Whisperings...

Wow!  It's been a while since I wrote here.  I guess I sort of gave up on it.  Did I give up on me??  No.  I didn't.  Never have, never will.  As the blog name states, it's a journey.  I just got thrown off track a little.  All part of the process, right?

So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey".  Since I am a photographer, Yes, I think of myself that way now.  Awesome, right?! I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography.  But, curiously,  I have been pulled to words instead.  I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here.  Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page?  Well, a computer screen actually.  I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again.  I'm excited!

The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, my spiritual journey, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together.  I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time.  Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being.

Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues.  Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old.  I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, knock on wood, and am excited about the future.  After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time.  Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.

When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings".  I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go".  Huh.  That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in.  That was a whispering.

I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me.  It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. In my soul??   That is how my whisperings come to me.  Another way is niggling feelings.  Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc.  Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere.  I am not always aware of the niggling.  Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe??   I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related.  Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"."

It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook.  Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace".  And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame.  Letting go of control is a major step.

One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists.  I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn.  I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on".  Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity.  They needed to "let go", physically.

So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go.  And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom".  Cool.  More synchronicity. 

I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams.  Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings.  I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them.  They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.

Am I just sounding like a kook now?  Are these ramblings going anywhere?

I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog.  I feel more... integrous. Is that even a word?  More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside.  Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind.  That's a big step.  Feels good.  So important at this stage of a woman's life.  I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me.  And I don't apologize for any of it.  I am who I am.  Like it or leave it.

That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace".  Peace is something I strive for.  I don't mean world peace.  I mean within myself.  That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling.  My question is: Is peace the goal?  Everyone's goal?  The ultimate goal?

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

Alakazam...

Again with the excuses... with the girls' new schedule this term and Ron working from home, I'm finding it hard to get enough privacy to get into my own headspace.  There seems to always be someone around, coming to talk with me etc.  All of that is fine when I'm staying in the "here and now" but it's not as conducive to being alone with my thoughts and being able to think deeper on whatever it is I let my mind wander to.  (I know in a few years, after the kids have moved out I will miss that though).  Over the last couple of weeks I thought of a number of topics that I would love to delve into here, but haven't had the time.  Urgh.  I meant to jot down the ideas, but then I know that I would get a big long list and would probably feel pressured by the list.  As I have said before, I find what works best for me is, if I just let myself sit down when I know I will have a couple of hours privacy and just relax and let my mind and fingers flow. 

A few times lately the topic of meditation has been put in front of me.  I just realized as I wrote the paragraph above that writing here feels to me, like a form of meditation.  I'm sure musicians feel the same way.  And people who do yoga.  And runners and cyclists. And chefs and artists.  Okay, okay.  You get what I mean.  I get excited about the chance to spend this time.  I look forward to it and feel restless and... all jumbled up, if I don't.  I suppose it's the same with anything someone loves doing.  A passion.  It feels like an extravagence though.  Like I should be doing other things.  I know that a big part of it is because it doesn't make me any money and it isn't "productive".  I don't even share it with many people.  But it has merit for me.  And that should be good enough.  The to-do list can wait.  Enough with the excuses...

One thing I have been wanting to mention here is something kinda cool that I noticed recently. You know how I wrote my list back in October about what I deserve and desire in my life?  And that I was putting it out there to the universe to "make it so" even though I had no idea how any of it was going to come about?  Well, here's the cool part.  Some of it actually has happened!  And in unexpected weird ways too!

Example 1:  I had mentioned that I want to spend more time with my husband and have us enjoy the time together. POOF! I was referred and I signed up to be a "mystery shopper".  My first assignment was to go to a nice restaurant.  I HAD to bring another adult and we HAD to order drinks and an appetizer and meals and dessert, and it would all be paid for (I just have to fill out a questionnaire afterwards).

Example 2:  I had said that I want to have a nice reliable car (the one I have now is old and ugly and is on it's last legs).  BAM!  A few weeks ago my car was in a small accident (no one hurt, no real big deal) but the cost to repair it will be more than the car is worth. I'm just going to use the money from the insurance company for a downpayment on another car.

Example 3: This wasn't on my list but has been on my I-want-it-but-can't-ask-for-it list.  An iPad.  I don't need one, but I'd love to get my hands on one to fiddle with it and see what it can do (I love technology). KAZAM! My youngest daughter has been chosen out of her school of 2000 kids to be one of seven kids to get an iPad as part of a research study on iPad use as an aid to learning.

Example 4: I wanted a good tripod (ball head instead of the usual two or three-way panhead). ABRACADABRA! Over Christmas my sister mentioned that she had one just sitting around not being used and of course I could use it.

I guess you've just gotta put it out there.  I would never have been able to guess or plan any of these solutions that arose.  I didn't directly make any of them happen. 

I think that's called faith.  It's a vulnerable feeling.  Putting your trust out there like that.  But come to think of it, that is SO much better than not being able to trust in anyone or anything... not having any hope, and feeling like you have to do it all by yourself.  That's exhausting.  I know.

A bible verse just came to mind.  I had to look it up.  It's from the book of Matthew.  I remember hearing it years ago.  

  25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*As I've said before, references to God can also be thought of as putting stuff out there to "The Universe", and just not feeling all alone.

Getting back to the topic of meditation... I have learned recently that meditation is the process of quieting your mind so that you can listen, and hear your inner voice and your guiding voice (God).  Prayer is when we do all the talking.  Meditation is when we listen for the answer.  I think I find writing to be meditative because in it, I do both.  Through writing about things that come to mind, I become aware of what is concerning or intriguing me and then I flow through with realizations and conclusions.  Huh.  How cool is that!