I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life. Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.
Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up. We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc. And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.
I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself. I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own? Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady? I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that. I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.
For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it. I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done. I'm not sure what I will do. I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way. I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing. And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh). I am going to have to make an effort to go out. I will probably get together with my sisters a few times. I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff.
When I was in university it was a very social time for me. I loved it. Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people. Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university. I moved by myself and lived by myself. I had to learn to be my own best friend. I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood. And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did touristy things, etc.
I am comfortable being by myself. Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird". I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself. I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt. I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company. (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)
Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with. I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new. Hmmm. Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further. Hmmm. Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years. Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm.
Stuff to think about for sure.
