Nesting Instinct...

    My Shadow 

When she was young

She was my shadow.

She would stay close

Hold my hand

Cling to me. 

As she grew

Time passed.

My shadow shifted

Moving from behind me

To beside me.

We would walk along

Side by side

My shadow and me. 

More time passed

She grew some more.

Taller than me now.

Faster than me.

She is now in front

Leading me

While I tag along

Behind

Reaching for her hand. 

Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here.  I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long.   'Nuff of that.

An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go.  Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids.  They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go. 

A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong.  When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be.  But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages.  When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings.  I was learning life lessons and building memories.

A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together.  I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe.  We actually have lots of fun together.  My parents were much more distant and detatched.  They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was.  And they never asked! 

So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios?  I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin.  I know what to expect.  But how do I align that with my own feelings?  I tend to be more emotional than intellectual. 

Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with.  My parents just didn't offer that.  Our relationship didn't offer that.  I had no one to ask for advice.  No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug.  I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go.  I never want children to feel alone or uncared for. 

I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old.  Then her dad died when she was 20.  She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own.  She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless.  She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one.  They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations.  So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on.  I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.

So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood.  Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage.  Aha!  I said it.  I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together.  I know, I sound pitiful.  When I got married my husband was my best friend.  Then we had kids.  Having three kids in five years was a lot of work.  It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me.  Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends.  I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself.  

Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel.  I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go.  So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am.  Me.  Anne. Who am I??  What do I enjoy?  What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future?  My dreams... not anyone elses.  What do I want?

Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown.  So far I've been good at being a mom.  So what now?  Was I hiding behind my kids?  And before that was I hiding behind my husband?  At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me.  I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.

Back to the issue of letting go of my kids...  I gotta do it.  I know I do.  It's the natural evolution of things.  I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection.  I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision...  My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands.  We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough.  They still ask my advice.  Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons.  I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint.  I support them emotionally with love.  I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (I hope I can do that) and just trust them.  They are good, smart kids.  They will be good smart adults.  I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.

Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it.  God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some interesting memories.  Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me.  There's the rub.  It's my problem... I can't make it theirs.  I also can't let it ruin our relationship.

Just let them go Anne.  In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (not only when I am ready).  It's gotta be about them.  Not about me.  It's their turn.  Time to spread their wings and soar!

Thinkable Thoughts...

• "When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.  When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

• "We are so accustomed to disguising our true nature from others, that we end up disguising it from ourselves."

• "Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." 
• BUT...

•  "Do something today that your future self will thank you for."

• "You are you not meant for crawling, so don't.  You have wings. Learn to use them and fly. You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings."

• "If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." ~ Dennis Waitley

•  “If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

• "You become what you do.  Life molds itself into the shape of your actions.  Do something long enough and you become it. Fighting for peace makes more war. Loving for peace makes more peace."

• "Love is the way.  In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."

• "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."

• "As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become."

• "Happiness is a state of being, and comes from the inside of you. By the law of attraction you must become on the inside what you want on the outside."

• "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." ~ Charlie Parker, jazz saxaphonist

• "When you feel listless and lethargic, do something different.  Instead of staying in your routine, go to a park or a movie or to lunch with a friend. Change your routine a bit. Sometimes a little change of scenery does wonders."

• "Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of crazy."

• "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain

• "Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter. " ~ Susan Cain

• "We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be." 

• “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”—Carl Jung 

• "Take a closer look at the word responsibility and you will notice that it is made up of two root words… response and ability. In essence, you have the ability to choose your response to any and all events that take place in your life.  Accepting personal responsibility is recognizing that the Calvary isn’t coming. While you may and will need the help of others to reach your goals, the onus is on you to orchestrate your own rescue. As they say, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me!” "

• "You can't change the wind, but you can change your sails"

• "A peaceful man is not completely free from the pinch of life's aggravations. He simply declines to give them power and refuses to be held captive by them."

• "Begin each day with a prayer for peace and happiness. “Thank you, inner guide, for reminding me of all the love and light in my life. I welcome positive support throughout this day. I expect miracles.” This daily practice will jump-start your day with a miracle mindset and awaken your consciousness to the greatness around you."

• "Your talent is the Universe's gift to you.  What you do with it is your gift back to the Universe." 

• "How bad things may look right now means nothing.  It's how good they can be that counts.  In life you can absolutely count on one thing; everything can turn around in one day,  In one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up.  You might be a moment away from a windfall."

• "All is well.  All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."