tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58724799214729743452024-03-13T10:18:52.612-07:00A Grateful JourneyThe literary ramblings of a stay-at-home mum, who, as her children journey through adolescence and into young adulthood, finds her role changing.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-75536788749171610912017-04-29T16:34:00.000-07:002017-05-02T12:03:06.368-07:00Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack...<div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">To get up to speed: Ok, so now my youngest is away and the other two are back, and I work two days a week at my husband's business.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">So, yeah, I am still alive and haven't imploded with worry. Things are fine. After some initial panic and terror and regret (all hers, not mine) and tearful calls back home, my youngest is now happy and doing well on the other side of the world. I was the one saying "no, you didn't make a mistake. You are where you need to be and you are fine. Give it time." She has been gone for two months. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">Oh, I need to insert a funny story here; just to share a mom story. After my daughter landed at her destination after a gruelling 2 days of flights and layovers in foreign countries, she was messaging me in the middle of the night (her daytime) in tears saying she was nauseous and couldn't eat and was scared and having panic attacks etc. Then my other daughter who was still travelling, was on a boat in SE Asia and had bad diarrhea. She had had it for 2 days. They didn't want to pay for a cabin for the 3 day long journey so were sleeping on deck, on the floor. It was pouring rain. Now her travel companion was starting to throw up and have diarrhea as well, and "Mum, what should we do?" Then my oldest daughter was getting upset with me because I wasn't listening attentively enough to her while she cried to me about problems with her friends. I handled it though. I got this. I kept my cool, as we Mum's do, and gave each of them the attention and advice that they needed. Crises averted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">But now all is calm. For now at least. My youngest is settling down to find a job and a place to live while my other two are settling back into working life back home and thinking of their next big adventures. My youngest doesn't communicate with me as much as I'd like. But I can't ask for more. I knew she'd be like that even though she swore she wouldn't be. But she's happy and safe, and that's what matters.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">So, back to me now. Letting go. That's still what it's all about. That's still my job at this point. Train them, then trust them, then let them go. Trust the universe. Trust that I've done my job right. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">I had a realization this morning that I wanted to write about. I guess I had assumed that travelling as my middle daughter did, for three months in countries very different than our own, that she would come back a changed person. More worldly. More... compassionate. Full of introspection and realizations about herself and the world. But she didn't really. If anything (how do I say this in a kind way?) she came back more egocentric and more judgemental than she was before. Just a slight shift. And skyping with my youngest last night I saw the same thing in her. Maybe not the judgemental thing but definitely the egocentricity. At first I saw that negatively and was caught off guard by it, but after mulling it over I realized that it's is perfectly natural and to be expected. It is the pulling away from family; going from Us to Me. From being part of a group to being an individual. From having to take consideration of others to just having to consider oneself. It's all good. Letting go. They are, and so am I. Then reflecting more, I realized that I too must be going through the same process. Less having to consider the needs of the many and just having to consider myself, in many situations. We are all in transition. All on a journey. All trying to figure out who we are, what we like and what we want in life and our future, and then confidently saying to the world "This is who I am".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 1em;">It's about giving each other space. Yes, letting go, but also keeping the channels open. Moving on and forward, but not burning bridges or slamming doors behind you.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-16692563444906455152017-04-02T16:27:00.000-07:002017-04-29T17:13:33.267-07:00A New Normal...<div>
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I sit here. Alone.</div>
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At a place where I used to come with you. </div>
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It's the same... but different.</div>
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Still my "happy place", but now tinged with sadness. </div>
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But that's ok. My new reality. </div>
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You would enjoy this. You always did. </div>
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After a while I won't think that way anymore. </div>
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I will just enjoy it on my own. In my own way. </div>
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I won't save shells for you, or comment on oddly shaped driftwood. </div>
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No one to tell it to. To share it with. </div>
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But that's ok. </div>
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I still like it here. </div>
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I hesitated to come though. All this way; such a long drive, just for me. </div>
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But it's what my soul craved. Needed. </div>
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The ocean. The wind. The dunes. </div>
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Soon I will bring my camera again. After I get past feeling that my photos lack interest if a loved one isn't in them.</div>
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My urge to take pictures will return. </div>
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New sights will catch my eye. New subject matter. </div>
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And that's ok. </div>
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A new normal. </div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-89650240219022515142017-03-08T16:15:00.000-08:002017-04-29T17:13:42.478-07:00Holes...<div>
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I hurt. </div>
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A piece of me is gone. </div>
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I don't like this feeling.</div>
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My body is tearing away. Piece by piece.</div>
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Leaving holes.</div>
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That's what it feels like as my children leave. Like a part of my physical being is gone.</div>
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What do I do now?</div>
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Part of me is elsewhere. I am torn.</div>
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I am not a whole. I have a hole.</div>
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I am assuming... I am told... </div>
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Eventually the hole will heal. It will close and heal over. </div>
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Filling with other things. Other people.</div>
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But all I can do for now is ache.</div>
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Go through the motions of my day.</div>
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Being reminded periodically of the absence.</div>
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The ache swells.</div>
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Swells and subsides.</div>
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The dance of parenting continues.</div>
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Holding tight and letting go.</div>
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To their rhythm.</div>
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Not mine.</div>
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Let them go.</div>
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Let them grow.</div>
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I have to.</div>
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Give up that piece of me. Let it go.</div>
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Accept the void. Look for ways to fill it.</div>
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Turn the hole back into a whole.</div>
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It's been a long time.</div>
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A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.</div>
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Doing the dance.</div>
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All together we were the whole.</div>
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Moving in step.</div>
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This is just another part of the dance.</div>
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Inevitable.</div>
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They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.</div>
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Ready or not.</div>
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But for now...</div>
I ache.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-41400933797282124782017-01-04T13:38:00.000-08:002017-01-04T13:52:17.367-08:00Flying Away...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Wow... Another long break from writing here. Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself. Sorry for not writing or journaling. I know it is good for me. I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.<br />
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So yes... time has passed. A brief catch-up is in order...<br />
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I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's. They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so. I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people. All three of them still live at home. As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me". I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away. I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.<br />
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At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months. <i>Deep breath. </i>I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out. One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months. I trust that they are capable and safe. My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year! That totally freaks me out. She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know. And she doesn't want my help or input with planning. It terrifies me. She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together. It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip. I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree. I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends. My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well. She seems to have found balance though.<br />
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I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip. I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her. She is 20. She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way. I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay. <i>(There is that "letting go" again)</i>. Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20. He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person. Perhaps she is too. Maybe that's where the difference lies. <br />
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She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this. Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't. She needs something big of her own.<br />
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So I have to let her go. My baby. <i>Wipe a tear...</i><br />
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So all of this is preparing me for my future. My empty nest. I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me. The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me. I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff. They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day. All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually. They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can. That they don't need me. I need to know that too. Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.<br />
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Wow, so much to say and to talk about. To vent. To process. <br />
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All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband. We have both changed so much over the years. And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart. I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common. Sad, I know. And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation. I have no career to go back to. Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway. I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial. At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself. I don't like that feeling. <br />
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So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own. I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together. I hope we can. Reconnect, that is.<br />
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Where has the time gone? The days may be long but the years are short. Fleeting.Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-74354180829485856872015-04-16T16:33:00.001-07:002015-04-16T16:45:09.955-07:00Whisperings...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Wow! It's been a while since I wrote here. I guess I sort of gave up on it. <i>Did I give up on me?? </i>No. I didn't. Never have, never will. As the blog name states, it's a journey. I just got thrown off track a little. All part of the process, right?<br />
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So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey". Since I am a photographer,<i> Yes, I think of myself that way now. Awesome, right?! </i>I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography. But, curiously, I have been pulled to words instead. I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here. Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page? <i>Well, a computer screen actually. </i>I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again. I'm excited!<br />
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The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, <i>my spiritual journey</i>, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together. I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time. Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being. <br />
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Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues. Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old. I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, <i>knock on wood,</i> and am excited about the future. After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time. Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.<br />
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When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings". I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go". <i>Huh</i>. That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in. That was a whispering. <br />
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I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me. It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. <i>In my soul?? </i> That is how my whisperings come to me. Another way is niggling feelings. Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc. Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere. I am not always aware of the niggling. Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe<i>?? </i> I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related. Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"." <br />
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It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook. Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace". And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame. Letting go of control is a major step.<br />
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One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists. I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn. I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on". Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity. They needed to "let go", physically. <br />
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So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go. And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom". <i>Cool. More synchronicity. </i><br />
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I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams. Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings. I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them. They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.<br />
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<i>Am I just sounding like a kook now? Are these ramblings going anywhere?</i><br />
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I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog. I feel more... integrous. <i>Is that even a word? </i>More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside. Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind. That's a big step. Feels good. So important at this stage of a woman's life. I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me. And I don't apologize for any of it. I am who I am. Like it or leave it. <br />
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That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace". Peace is something I strive for. I don't mean world peace. I mean within myself. That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling. My question is: Is peace the goal? Everyone's goal? The ultimate goal?Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-39826188216139616892013-10-22T16:34:00.000-07:002015-04-16T16:46:46.032-07:00On Turning 50...<div>
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I love this time of year. I always have.</div>
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The colours. The cool, crisp air. The cozy sweaters.</div>
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This autumn has been less rainy than usual, here on the West Coast.</div>
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We have been able to enjoy sunshine, blue skies and crunchy fallen leaves.</div>
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Glorious.</div>
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The contrast of the colours of the leaves against the blue sky is breathtaking.</div>
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As I was driving along the other day the thought occurred to me that I want to shine like autumn trees do.</div>
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I've been through the early years of sprouting and growing. Emerging. </div>
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Everything new. Everything fresh.</div>
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Then came the years of blossoming and flowering. </div>
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Full of colour and beauty. </div>
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My three daughters are in that phase now. </div>
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Discovering themselves. Opening themselves up to the world.</div>
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Eventually they too will be fruitful and multiply.</div>
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I would like to think that I am still in my summer years... at the tail end I admit. </div>
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But I am turning 50 in a few months.</div>
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I can sense the coming of the passing of the reigns. The turning of the leaves. </div>
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The seeds falling so that the next generation can start anew.</div>
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But before that happens I would like to be a blaze of glorious colour.</div>
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To make people turn and look. Catching sight of me out the corner of their eye.</div>
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Causing them to pause and take comfort in my quiet, peaceful offerings.</div>
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I have always loved trees. Felt an affinity to them.</div>
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When I think of autumn trees I sense an air of confidence. Of peaceful, unpretentious beauty.</div>
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I imagine them smiling when the sun warms their expressive leaves.</div>
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I would like to be like that. Be thought of like that, in my autumn years.</div>
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When I reach them.</div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-29546041752999116342013-08-14T14:57:00.000-07:002013-08-14T15:01:31.561-07:00A Year Later...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6e8mUnOpk3Y/Ugv7IpLniOI/AAAAAAAAAFg/G-c_b2Sg18s/s1600/20130419_0029.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6e8mUnOpk3Y/Ugv7IpLniOI/AAAAAAAAAFg/G-c_b2Sg18s/s640/20130419_0029.jpg" width="417" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now. As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts. Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else. Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block. Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about. And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But now it's summer again. The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere. Those are all definitely things to be grateful for. My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen. And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age. Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much. But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern. Afraid to take steps forward. As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful. Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident. But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some. My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe. Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that! I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life. I believed it. And I felt good. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then the set-back.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Perhaps I should just say what it is... I found out that I have issues going on with my heart. It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age. I'm only freakin' 49. And it scares me. And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places. And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational. But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems. And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems. I'm scared. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids. And I want to be around to be their grandmother. I will be an awesome grandma. I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this? Me finally letting them go? Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me. Realizing that it's not all about me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I look fine. Same as before. And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself. Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc. And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do. Hopefully it is. And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hey, I want to tell you a quick story. Change the mood here. Something that happened to me this winter. Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with. In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women. I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek. Perfect for simple long exposures. As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek. It was a man. Huh. As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over. I went about my business. I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc. Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same level of knowledge and interest in photography. It was refreshing. After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk. So I did. We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce. I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing. When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures. Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks. At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved. He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then. After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me. Well. Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10. Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well. When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard 2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman 3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage 4. I can go for hikes and up hills 5. There are people out there who I can be friends with 6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals) 7. I should get out of the house more 8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All of these things I am grateful for. I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.</span>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-479939822162341332012-09-05T21:23:00.000-07:002013-06-13T17:18:18.100-07:00A Summer of Growing...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d-eoyYf1g-I/UblJ9ILpAuI/AAAAAAAAAEw/3oSuKuYTRKs/s1600/20120731_0903.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="625" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d-eoyYf1g-I/UblJ9ILpAuI/AAAAAAAAAEw/3oSuKuYTRKs/s640/20120731_0903.jpg" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118); color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;">Hey I'm back! Sorry for the "absence". Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way. Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So my kids were all away for ten days in early July. I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years! And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude. Essentially I was saying <em>"I don't wanna grow up"</em>, even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, you know what happened? I grew up! I did... and I quite like it. I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day. When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not. I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though. I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another thing happended while my kids were away; My husband and I reconnected! That surprised me. He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times. We talked. We spent time together. We had fun together. And actually, we continue to do so. It's like we are starting from the here and now. Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc. Now he has started doing the same thing! And he is feeling much better about himself. He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me. And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money. He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen. But now they work together and are buddies. He is getting back to being the man who I married; Albiet a wiser version. He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic. I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is? I know I certainly am not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time. I came to enjoy the freedom. If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly. I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere. I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day. I had some tender areas for a few days after.) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then my kids came home. Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do. I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere<em> fun</em> and <em>new</em> each day. I often just wanted to get my errands done. Now that I have had a taste of <em>growing up</em> I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it. And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what. (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes I want to still be a great mom. And I am. And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what. And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes. But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list). And, I want to become the best possible <em>Me</em> I can become. To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being. Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing. I didn't notice it at first. After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends. I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave. But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking. Now people even approach me to chat! It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.) I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago. She was away for four months. If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long. However we are both still alive and well. We made it. Another step in the journey, for both of us. She seems pretty much the same as when she left. Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing. Four months went by with her out of my sight. I don't know a lot of what went on. That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go. But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers. She is a good kid. And she still is. And she still loves me. And I still love her. But we are both a little bit more independent now. I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return. It's all for the good though. For all of us.</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-74280729765568572252012-06-30T21:16:00.002-07:002013-06-13T17:22:06.007-07:00What Now?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2QDw6ZSJ4Sg/UblI5gxnP2I/AAAAAAAAAEg/JmHuWjbnG14/s1600/20120626_0508.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2QDw6ZSJ4Sg/UblI5gxnP2I/AAAAAAAAAEg/JmHuWjbnG14/s640/20120626_0508.JPG" width="458" /></a></div>
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<span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118); color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.294118); color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;">I guess it's like being laid off from a job that you've had for a long time. Being "let go". Made redundant. Whether you are ready or not, it is your new reality. I suppose some would say it's more like retirement. You know it's coming. Some would say that you have "earned" it, as if it something to look forward to. And I'm sure many do! I'm sure many people have lists and lists of plans and things that they have been putting on the back burner, until they have time to themselves.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Perhaps all these years, while my girls have been growing and maturing and developing strong feathers to carry them as they fly from the nest, I was just too busy enjoying it all. As I have heard; "the days are long, but the years are short." Maybe I was supposed to be doing some growing up too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, I'm whining. Today is the first day of my premature childlessness. As I have told you, my middle daughter has moved away for the summer (and is having a marvelous time might I add. Making lots of money, working hard, learning to wake surf and sail, enjoying the company of her best friend and her boyfriend and learning from her own mistakes and successes). But today my other two girls left on a ten day trip. And I do have lists of plans and ideas. I do. And I hope to accomplish them... well some of them at least. But I am wallowing right now. The weather isn't making me feel much better though. We have been having a chilly, grey and wet summer so far. Lets face it... rain is like tears and sunshine is like smiles. and here on the west coast of Canada we get more rain than sun. What the heck am I doing here?! "Bloom where you are planted", right? Find gratitude and happiness where ever you be. Okay. I'll do that. And I do. Really I do. But the rain and grey do encourage moody, internal reflection and contemplation rather than outdoor, external type activities. Maybe that's just me though. I dunno. Excuses, excuses.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A realization I made last time I wrote (but forgot to get around to mentioning) is that I am a social person, even though I am shy and introverted. Go figure. I love having good times with other people. I love chatting and discussing and laughing and sharing. And with my girls readily available I have someone to do that with, basically 24/7. My husband is not a talker. At all. He sometimes tells me things about work, but doesn't like me asking questions or giving my opinion. He looks totally annoyed if I do and will often cut the conversation short, acting as if I have interrupted him. But if you know me at all you know that's what I do...I ask questions. I give my opinion. And no, I am not challenging him on what he is saying or picking fights or being judgemental... I am just trying to have a conversation. But over time I have learned (though I occassionally slip up) to just listen to him and either agree or keep my mouth shut. I don't mean to be complaining here. I am just trying to explain why it feels so lonely when my girls are gone. I'm not ready to be quiet yet. My husband also doesn't enjoy the things I like to do. He won't go for walks or to street festivals or art shows etc. He would never just sit on a beach, especially if it's raining. He hates the style of music that I like. And he doesn't "get" my photography or poetry. So I have stopped showing him. Lately I have been trying a new technique with my photography. I call it "Photo Art". My daughter calls it "Phart". When I showed my favourite piece to my husband he pulled his head back and said "Ew. It gives me a headache." Hmmm. I guess I am complaining. I don't like to do that, but I just want you to understand my life. I am very grateful for him though for many reasons. Perhaps I will devote another post to saying good things about him. I will post a "Phart" piece with this post. On facebook I have been getting wonderful feedback on them, and someone even asked me to blow one up for him and sell it to him!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So something I have learned is that I just have to believe in myself. Figure out who I am and what I like and what I enjoy and just go ahead and do it! Life is too short, not to enjoy it or to hold back in fear of offending someone. Spend time doing things that make you feel good. Be with people who accept you as you are. So that is how I have been living my last few years. Being me, instead of just my husband's wife. I lived like that for years. But now that my girls are stepping away... I am left trying to figure out what to do with myself (as I said in my last post). I don't think I would say that I have gone from merely being "my husband's wife" to being "my children's mother". I am definitely me. I just hang out with my girls a lot and we enjoy each others company and are a lot alike. Hmmm. It's not who I am (?) but it's how I spend my time. (I'll have to think about that).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, Just thought I'd check in here. The start of my trial period. My premature (practice) retirement. Wish me luck! (I'd love to hear from you.)</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-77830358831642972612012-06-20T21:07:00.001-07:002013-06-13T17:26:18.945-07:00Time to Pause and Reflect...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life. Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up. We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc. And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself. I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own? Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady? I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that. I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it. I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done. I'm not sure what I will do. I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way. I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing. And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh). I am going to have to make an effort to go out. I will probably get together with my sisters a few times. I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I was in university it was a very social time for me. I loved it. Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people. Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university. I moved by myself and lived by myself. I had to learn to be my own best friend. I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood. And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did touristy things, etc. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am comfortable being by myself. Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird". I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself. I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt. I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company. (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with. I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new. Hmmm. Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further. Hmmm. Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years. Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stuff to think about for sure.</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-50234235548803193082012-05-25T21:02:00.000-07:002013-06-13T17:27:32.719-07:00So Delicate...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y9PmFSnge_g/UblE_HhU3-I/AAAAAAAAAEA/3HAOmMYyYxA/s1600/20120421_0525.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="436" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y9PmFSnge_g/UblE_HhU3-I/AAAAAAAAAEA/3HAOmMYyYxA/s640/20120421_0525.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A delicate flower...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Soft pink and fragrant</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">with translucent petals,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">that demurely glow</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">when touched by sunlight.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The flower's stamen (or is it pistol, I don't even know)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">protruding from the centre of the flower</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">with tiny specks of pollen</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">precariously clinging to it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It blows my mind...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">it sits there quietly;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">so fragile</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">so seemingly insignificant,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">so unobtrusive or demanding...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">on the brink of destruction.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So beautiful and so fragile.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet it serves a purpose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's a part of the ecosystem...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">the grand scheme as it were.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It bobs along in the wind</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">beautiful and perfect</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">emanating happiness and... actually, faith.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We too are intricately designed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Beautiful and fragile.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Complex and precarious.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So much... effort, or design, or...thought</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">in each living thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yet, life is so easily taken away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We too are part of the bigger picture.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We too have a purpose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Each of us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">However It is not ours for understanding</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">or for worrying about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It is ours to hold,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">to cherish,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">to trust,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">to rest in</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and to be thankful.</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-10214028793110341552012-05-11T20:44:00.000-07:002013-06-13T17:28:40.460-07:00Mother's Day...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well I just spent 2 hours writing an emotional post, but it didn't save. Ugh.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The gist... Em is moving away for three and a half months on Sunday. My other two girls left on a camping trip today. It was very sad to watch them say goodbye. Hard for me to say goodbye.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Time for me to grow up and get a life. Ready or not.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Happy Mother's Day.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-6373294463097177192012-02-23T16:22:00.000-08:002013-06-13T17:31:25.102-07:00Nesting Instinct...<br />
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<a href="http://agratefuljourney.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/20120102_0036-scaled10001.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="20120102_0036" height="640" src="http://agratefuljourney.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/20120102_0036-scaled10001.jpg?w=200" width="426" /></a></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">My Shadow</span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">When she was young</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">She was my shadow.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">She would stay close</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Hold my hand</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Cling to me.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">As she grew</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Time passed.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">My shadow shifted</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Moving from behind me</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">To beside me.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">We would walk along</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Side by side</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">My shadow and me.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">More time passed</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">She grew some more.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Taller than me now.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Faster than me.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">She is now in front</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Leading me</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">While I tag along</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Behind</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Reaching for her hand. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here. I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long. 'Nuff of that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go. Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids. They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong. When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be. But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages. When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... <em>sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing</em>, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings. I was learning life lessons and building memories.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together. I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe. We actually have lots of fun together. My parents were much more distant and detatched. They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was. And they never asked! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios? I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin. I know what to expect. But how do I align that with my own feelings? I tend to be more emotional than intellectual. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with. My parents just didn't offer that. Our relationship didn't offer that. I had no one to ask for advice. No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug. I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go. I never want children to feel alone or uncared for. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old. Then her dad died when she was 20. She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own. She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless. She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one. They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations. So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on. I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood. Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage. Aha! I said it. I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together. <em>I know, I sound pitiful.</em> When I got married my husband was my best friend. Then we had kids. Having three kids in five years was a lot of work. It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me. Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends. I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel. I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go. So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am. Me. Anne. Who am I?? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future? My dreams... not anyone elses. What do I want?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown. So far I've been good at being a mom. So what now? Was I hiding behind my kids? And before that was I hiding behind my husband? At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me. I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Back to the issue of letting go of my kids... I gotta do it. I know I do. It's the natural evolution of things. I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection. I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision... My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands. We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough. They still ask my advice. Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons. I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint. I support them emotionally with love. I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (<em>I hope I can do that</em>) and just trust them. They are good, smart kids. They will be good smart adults. I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it. God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some <em>interesting</em> memories. Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me. There's the rub. It's my problem... I can't make it theirs. I also can't let it ruin our relationship.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just let them go Anne. In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (<em>not only when I am ready</em>). It's gotta be about them. Not about me. It's their turn. Time to spread their wings and soar!</span><br />
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-7577419028647748352012-02-03T14:46:00.000-08:002013-06-13T17:32:39.378-07:00Thinkable Thoughts...<br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"We are so accustomed to disguising our true nature from others, that we end up disguising it from ourselves."</span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">BUT...</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "Do something today that your future self will thank you for."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You are you not meant for crawling, so don't. You have wings. Learn to use them and fly. You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." ~ Dennis Waitley</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> “If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You become what you do. Life molds itself into the shape of your actions. Do something long enough and you become it. Fighting for peace makes more war. Loving for peace makes more peace."</span></li>
</ul>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Love is the way. In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Happiness is a state of being, and comes from the inside of you. By the law of attraction you must become on the inside what you want on the outside."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." ~ Charlie Parker, jazz saxaphonist</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When you feel listless and lethargic, do something different. Instead of staying in your routine, go to a park or a movie or to lunch with a friend. Change your routine a bit. Sometimes a little change of scenery does wonders."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of crazy."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"The two most important days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter. " ~ Susan Cain</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be." </span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”—Carl Jung </span></li>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Take a closer look at the word responsibility and you will notice that it is made up of two root words… <em>response</em> and <em>ability</em>. In essence, you have the ability to choose your response to any and all events that take place in your life. Accepting personal responsibility is recognizing that the Calvary isn’t coming. While you may and will need the help of others to reach your goals, the onus is on you to orchestrate your own rescue. As they say, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me!” "</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You can't change the wind, but you can change your sails"</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"A peaceful man is not completely free from the pinch of life's aggravations. He simply declines to give them power and refuses to be held captive by them."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Begin each day with a prayer for peace and happiness. “Thank you, inner guide, for reminding me of all the love and light in my life. I welcome positive support throughout this day. I expect miracles.” This daily practice will jump-start your day with a miracle mindset and awaken your consciousness to the greatness around you."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Your talent is the Universe's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to the Universe." </span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"How bad things may look right now means nothing. It's how good they can be that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing; everything can turn around in one day, In one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up. You might be a moment away from a windfall."</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"All is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."</span></li>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-4095336395940146142012-01-25T14:34:00.000-08:002013-06-13T17:34:01.570-07:00Alakazam...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Again with the excuses... with the girls' new schedule this term and Ron working from home, I'm finding it hard to get enough privacy to get into my own headspace. There seems to always be someone around, coming to talk with me etc. All of that is fine when I'm staying in the "here and now" but it's not as conducive to being alone with my thoughts and being able to think deeper on whatever it is I let my mind wander to. (I know in a few years, after the kids have moved out I will miss that though). Over the last couple of weeks I thought of a number of topics that I would love to delve into here, but haven't had the time. Urgh. I meant to jot down the ideas, but then I know that I would get a big long list and would probably feel pressured by the list. As I have said before, I find what works best for me is, if I just let myself sit down when I know I will have a couple of hours privacy and just relax and let my mind and fingers flow. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A few times lately the topic of meditation has been put in front of me. I just realized as I wrote the paragraph above that writing here feels to me, like a form of meditation. I'm sure musicians feel the same way. And people who do yoga. And runners and cyclists. And chefs and artists. Okay, okay. You get what I mean. I get excited about the chance to spend this time. I look forward to it and feel restless and... all jumbled up, if I don't. I suppose it's the same with anything someone loves doing. A passion. It feels like an extravagence though. Like I should be doing other things. I know that a big part of it is because it doesn't make me any money and it isn't "productive". I don't even share it with many people. But it has merit for me. And that should be good enough. The to-do list can wait. Enough with the excuses...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One thing I have been wanting to mention here is something kinda cool that I noticed recently. You know how I wrote <em>my list</em> back in October about what I <em>deserve and desire</em> in my life? And that I was putting it out there to <em>the universe </em>to "make it so" even though I had no idea how any of it was going to come about? Well, here's the cool part. Some of it actually has happened! And in unexpected weird ways too!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Example 1: I had mentioned that I want to spend more time with my husband and have us enjoy the time together. POOF! I was referred and I signed up to be a "mystery shopper". My first assignment was to go to a nice restaurant. I HAD to bring another adult and we HAD to order drinks and an appetizer and meals and dessert, and it would all be paid for (I just have to fill out a questionnaire afterwards).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Example 2: I had said that I want to have a nice reliable car (the one I have now is old and ugly and is on it's last legs). BAM! A few weeks ago my car was in a small accident (no one hurt, no real big deal) but the cost to repair it will be more than the car is worth. I'm just going to use the money from the insurance company for a downpayment on another car.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Example 3: This wasn't on my list but has been on my I-want-it-but-can't-ask-for-it list. An iPad. I don't need one, but I'd love to get my hands on one to fiddle with it and see what it can do (I love technology). KAZAM! My youngest daughter has been chosen out of her school of 2000 kids to be one of seven kids to get an iPad as part of a research study on iPad use as an aid to learning.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Example 4: I wanted a good tripod (ball head instead of the usual two or three-way panhead). ABRACADABRA! Over Christmas my sister mentioned that she had one just sitting around not being used and of course I could use it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess you've just gotta put it out there. I would never have been able to guess or plan any of these solutions that arose. I didn't directly make any of them happen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think that's called faith. It's a vulnerable feeling. Putting your trust out there like that. But come to think of it, that is SO much better than not being able to trust in anyone or anything... not having any hope, and feeling like you have to do it all by yourself. That's exhausting. I know.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A bible verse just came to mind. I had to look it up. It's from the book of Matthew. I remember hearing it years ago. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: small;"><em> 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?</em></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em> 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">*As I've said before, references to God can also be thought of as putting stuff out there to "The Universe", and just not feeling all alone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Getting back to the topic of meditation... I have learned recently that meditation is the process of quieting your mind so that you can listen, and hear your inner voice and your guiding voice (God). Prayer is when we do all the talking. Meditation is when we listen for the answer. I think I find writing to be meditative because in it, I do both. Through writing about things that come to mind, I become aware of what is concerning or intriguing me and then I flow through with realizations and conclusions. Huh. How cool is that!</span><br />
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-8665633112517678372012-01-12T12:21:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:05:56.447-07:00Loosening Up...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I've been noticing how easy it is to walk through life with clenched fists, trying to hold on to things we're afraid to lose ... but with clenched fists we can neither give nor receive." ~ J.B.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is a quote a friend posted on facebook a few months ago. I find I have been thinking about it a fair bit. I realized I do that... when I tune into myself I realize I often have gently clenched fists. Huh. Perhaps I am trying to "hold on". To maintain my privacy? To stay inside of myself instead of opening myself to my surroundings? Hmmm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For the last couple of years I have had trouble with my shoulders. Frozen shoulder; which causes a restricted range of motion and pain. The doctors, physios and literature say that frozen shoulder will just "undo" itself after 1 to 3 years. Since reading this quote I am wondering if being tense and "clenched" is one of the causes of this. Part of it of course is more of a symptom... I clench my shoulders to avoid pain. At this point I don't know which came first, the tension or the injury. Hmm. The pain started after we moved into the house we are in now. I assumed (and so does my sports medicine doctor) that it occurred because I stopped lifting weights after we moved... I have a big Bowflex kind of thing that I used to work out on regularly, mainly working my arms and shoulders. But to move the machine, it was disassembled and my husband never found the time to reassemble it after the move (I tried but it was too complex). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The reason we moved was because we had to sell our house that we loved and had been living in for 12 years. The economic downturn hitting the country affected our business negatively and we lost pretty much everything. So ya, that caused me stress. It stressed our finances, our marriage and our children. Hey! Maybe subconsciously I am clenching my fists and shoulders to "hold on" to what we have left. Our posessions. Our marriage. My sanity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So getting back to JB's quote, all this "holding on" has been restricting my flow of energy, not only within my body but with my surroundings as well. Since reading that quote a few months ago I have been making a conscious effort to release my shoulders and hands whenever I become aware of tension. It has helped! My left shoulder seems to be releasing. Halleluiah! I was dreading going back to see my sports medicine doctor because he says that the next option is surgery, if they don't release on their own. Yikes. But now I am excited to go back and see him tomorrow so he can measure the improvement.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Also helping with tension release, over the last couple of years I have been working on finding joy and beauty in my world. It has been amazing actually. I won't go on about it now though because if you have read this far I'm sure you are ready for this post to come to a close. I should write a post about a dream I had about all this once. Oh, and about my theories about dream analysis too. Ha ha. Getting ahead of myself. Hush now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So in summary; let go of your tension. Do it now... take a deep breath... lower your shoulders, shake out your hands... look around the room. There. Now get on with your day and enjoy your surroundings.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-39693521404260776322012-01-09T12:02:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:06:55.729-07:00Opening Gifts...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wow, it feels like forever since I've written here. Or written at all really... I mean, sat and had time to be in my own headspace. I'm out of the habit. I keep thinking about my to do list and things I need to get done this week, now that I finally get some time to myself. My kids are all back in school, but with two in university their schedules are all over the place, with days off and one class per day some days. Ok... shake it off... here and now... I have time alone... it's quiet... I know I need to start the laundry... shhh... hush...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over the holidays I was surprised to find I felt down some days. And a bit short tempered on some. It could be because I didn't get my alone time. It could be all the expectations tied to the holidays... entertaining, baking, shopping, decorating, house guests, etc. Thinking back I really enjoyed most of that. I do know though that I get stressed when we have house guests. Not just the cleaning or the cooking or the hosting and entertaining... it's the pressure to be "on" all the time. To be chatty and social and witty etc. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am an introvert. And introverts get their energy from being alone, whereas extroverts get their energy from being around other people. The rest of my immediate family is pretty much introverted as well... with the exception of enjoying spending time together. I was going to say that perhaps sharing our genetics, our blood, that that predisposes us to feeling that we are part of a shared unit. But I sure don't feel that way with my bro and sis's. In a way it is more relaxing to spend time with strangers or aquaintances than with my siblings or my mother. Extended family members come with an intimacy (even though we are not very close) that allows them to judge and question and comment on me and my life, that others don't. Or maybe I just feel judged and compared and measured. Hmmm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of my daughter's is a bit more extroverted than the rest of us. She is the first of my daughter's to have a boyfriend. It is a new experience for all of us. She is a good kid with a level head and so I don't worry about her (after a few reassuring talks we've had, that is). Her boyfriend however doesn't live nearby. They live a ferry ride (about 4 hour trip door to door) apart. I won't get into how they met but the majority of their relationship since meeting is carried out via text and skype. He is a nice boy and we get along really well. (The girls have always told each other that they all have to approve of each other's boyfriends/husbands... and luckily this one fits). But anyway, this boy came to visit over the holidays. He stayed 6 days. It was only supposed to be for 4 days but my daughter talked me into allowing an extended visit. Then as soon as he left, actually even before, that same daughter had a friend over who prefers being at our house to being at her own. So she comes over, or they go out together... but she always stays until 10 or 11 pm. She just sits down at the dinner table at dinner time, helps herself to food in the kitchen whenever she wants... makes herself quite at home. (Oh dear, I'm getting worked up and whining... ugh). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My point is, I am grateful that my daughter's have friends, and that they are really great kids. I am grateful that we all like the majority of their friends. I am grateful that they feel comfortable at our house and feel welcome. I am grateful that they like me as a person and don't just see me as a typical mom. They think I'm cool and like going on outings with me. I am blessed that my kids love hanging out with me and we have tons of fun together... and I guess it is a compliment when their friends envy us and want to join us. I know that including them is the good "christian" thing to do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Over the years we have had a number of friends like this. Friends of my three daughters who latch on to us and spend a lot of time with us. One such friend was a boy who was was in foster care and wasn't happy in his foster home. He would drop by just before dinner most nights and we would just set a plate for him and take smaller portions. He also would sleep over at our house two or three nights a week (of course getting permission from his foster mom). He kept a number of items at our house (we were in a bigger house then). We took him with us on our outings... he probably would never have a chance to go to many of the places we took him otherwise. Another friend who, years later, frequently joined us on out outings, later said that the times he spent with us were the happiest times of his life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I guess where this is going (I never know until I start writing... or even what topic I'm going to ramble about) is to realize for myself that it is a good thing to put my own introversion aside and to welcome these people with open arms into our/my life. My psychology background makes me empathize with these kids (well, some are in their 20's). Some of them open up to me. One girl said she felt more comfortable talking to me than to her own mother. Not to sound boastful, but I suppose I was given a gift (many, if you include my car, my home, my children, the food I can provide, my freedom to go on outings, etc) and I should use my gift unselfishly. Gifts are meant to be shared. Comfort zones sometimes need to be breached. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, this isn't at all what I thought I was going to write about today. I had a few other ideas brewing, but I find this free flow is the best way for me. Perhaps it gets out what needs to get out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now to tackle the laundry.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-49826513900319646272011-12-20T20:58:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:07:46.885-07:00Tis the Season...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I keep trying to think of a way to say what I've been thinking about lately. But since it's Christmas holidays and the kids are home and I am busy with all sorts of preparations, I have been unable to find the time to have my head space to myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love having everyone home and getting to do stuff altogether... Even just hanging out in our jammies doing a jigsaw puzzle. That is what I love most about the Christmas season.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lately I have been trying to work through some stuff in my head. Stuff about friends and letting go. But I only get bits and pieces of time and headspace. I work better when I can focus in silence. I guess it can wait. Perhaps if it just bounces around in my head long enough it will somehow sort itself out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just wanted to put something down here so that you know I am still thinking about all this stuff, and am still on my journey. Sorry for the confusion and neglect. All is good. Tis the season to be grateful. And I am.</span>Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-46413915198963019192011-12-06T12:54:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:10:50.860-07:00Sands of Time...<div style="margin-bottom: 0; margin-top: 0;">
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">All around us</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Every moment....</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Can you see it,</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">This world</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">But I also have children.</span></div>
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</span><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;">
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px;">Keep coming back to shore.</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-26619951755374181632011-12-03T15:47:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:16:07.244-07:00"Would You Tell Me Please..."<div style="padding-left: 60px;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself." ~ Thomas Merton</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Everybody else has a script for your life that they want you to live. The most important thing you can do is write your own. People will get mad. Do it anyways." ~ Blog of Impossible Things</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Somewhere along the line, "nice" becomes a goal. We become embroiled in the sea of sameness as we waddle towards the central line of mediocrity." ~ Blog of Impossible Things</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"The best we can do is to be the very best version of ourselves - in all our imperfect glory. To love all of our mistakes, all of our blemishes, and all of our fears. They are the very things that propel us forward and keep it interesting. After all, there is no one else exactly like me." ~ Ingrid Mathieu</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "What is within you crying out to be birthed into the world right now? What talent do you have that is ready to be used? What project have you been endlessly thinking about that is ready to be birthed into physical reality? And what dreams do you have for this precious planet?" ~ GWYTK</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />Hmmm... interesting. Reading over the quotes that I have been collecting over the last week or so, once again, a common thread, or theme was evident. A message I need to hear I guess. Above are some of those quotes. Oh, and here's one more that ties in...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Positivity Blog</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My background in psychology wants me to figure out why I have always had low self esteem. And why I am shy. But I suppose that the past doesn't matter, right? It's what I do today that matters. And today, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me that I am ok as I am. I am a worthy and interesting individual. Period. </span><br />
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A few days ago I was on facebook and an old high school friend popped up to chat with me. Well, I can hardly call him a friend because he was more of a crush that I had, and being the shy teenager that I was I barely even ever spoke with him. In the course of our conversation he said something about me always being clever. He also said that he wished that he had walked home from school with me, but he was too shy back then. I never even knew he noticed me, let alone thought I was clever or had considered walking with me! And I was always clever? Since when? I never knew I spoke enough to give that impression. Interesting. Okay... the psychologist in me is saying that when I was in high school I was living at home with my family, and I never felt like I measured up with them. I didn't see myself as clever... but perhaps I was! and perhaps it was evident to others. (<em>Oh man... this stream of consciousness rambling is leading me on tangents left and right...anyway... carry on...) </em>Not sure why I brought this up... I'm sure there is a reason. It does tie in the first quote above. And also with the idea of the consistent core self.</span><br />
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At a number of points in my life I have had the urge to step outside of myself to see how I appear to others. To just know the "truth". Am I attractive or not? Am I smart or not? Am I fat or not? Someone please tell me! But now I am seeing that...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (William Shakespeare).</span></div>
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Getting back to the quotes above.... I am beginning to realize that I am a person that I like. I like who I am. The basics. The core me. And I like that I don't just try to be like everyone else and that I don't worry about ticking people off by sticking to my own principles. But, so okay... what now? As the last quote asks, what dreams do I have for my future? What part of me do I want to develop further? What are my hidden desires and life goals? That's where I draw a blank. My inner psychologist wonders if it's from being a middle child and being bossed around by my older and more dazzling siblings, that I can't come up with any dreams of my own. Now my analytical self is telling me to stick with the present...stay in the here and now <em>(fighting with myself again... ugh). </em></span><br />
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Back when I was in university and was trying to figure out what to do with my life my dad sent me a quote by mail (<em>Ah, that's where I get my love of quotes from...). </em>It was from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Alice:</strong> Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?<br /><strong>The Cat:</strong> That depends a good deal on where you want to get to<br /><strong>Alice:</strong> I don't much care where.<br /><strong>The Cat:</strong> Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.<br /><strong>Alice:</strong> …so long as I get somewhere.<br /><strong>The Cat:</strong> Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.</span></div>
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So I suppose my next step is to figure out what I want. I just found out that who I want to be is who I already am. It only took me 47 years to figure that one out!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I'll take small steps... I know I want to be healthy and happy... I know I want money... I know I want to travel... I know I enjoy photography... I know I have a passion to write... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For me a big thing is confidence and squashing my fears. Believing in myself. Knowing I can do it. Another step to take I suppose. Onward and upward.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-29434192859919934872011-11-24T17:15:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:17:53.095-07:00I Am Thankful...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's American Thanksgiving today. I am Canadian and we had our Thanksgiving last month. But regardless of the date these days remind us to be thankful and to reflect on blessings in our life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">On Canadian Thanksgiving I was busy preparing the big family feast and creating the festive atmosphere in my home. Today instead I find I am able to sit back and enjoy the energy of the season from a more detatched vantage point. American Thanksgiving feels like the beginning of the full blown pre-Christmas season. Knowing my American friends are having family gatherings and enjoying a long weekend is a vicariously warm feeling. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am thankful for my friends, new and old. For lessons I have learned. For the blessing of each new day (sorry to sound corny, but I am!). For my family and my home. For my health, and that of those I love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh... I could put it this way...</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> "For this day and it's light.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For rest and shelter through the night.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For health and food,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">love, family and friends.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">For every gift your goodness sends,</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I thank you Lord.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Amen."</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Ralph Waldo Emerson </span> </span></em></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-74165321929416134312011-11-16T12:35:00.000-08:002013-06-13T11:20:39.442-07:00I Need Constant Reminders...<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> I put quotes here in my blog that resonate with me personally. I find I often need reminders and boosts and kicks in the butt. I am on a journey... and this blog documents my ongoing struggle with learning new thought processes and methods of living my daily life. It ain't all that easy to teach old dogs new tricks. I like what I read online the other day in <em>The Positivity Blog; </em>"It's not about life being perfect or positive or awesome all the time. That is just perfectionism rearing its ugly head. It is about replacing unhelpful habits with better ones. It is about raising the percentages of times where you can handle things in a better way both in your everyday life and when big things happen. But there are still natural valleys and peaks in life. And a bad day will sometimes just be a bad day. And that is OK. That’s life."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"> I found I was avoiding writing here when I was feeling down or negative. But I have to remind myself, the focus of this blog is not only optimism and sharing of knowledge... it is my journey. My journal. My cognitive internal ramblings. My struggle, along with my true desire to be a better and happier me.</span></span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;">"Of all the gifts you can give a friend, the truthful sharing of who you are, and where you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is the most beautiful and valuable gift of all. It’s this honest sharing that serves as the thread that sews a friendship into the warm quilt it can be, to wrap around you when life feels cold and unforgiving." ~ by Sandra Kring</span></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~ Bob Moawad</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You can TURN OFF the sun but I'm still gonna SHINE." ~ PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I CHOOSE...to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes, not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others." ~ PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"It's not who you are that holds you back. It is who you think you are not." ~ PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are." ~ PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." ~ Frank A. Clark</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Don't sweat someone else getting a gold... go for your own!" ~ TS</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~ Mark Twain</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What vibe are you giving off?" ~TS</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Your job is you and only you. When you are working in harmony with the law, no-one can come between you and the Universe. However if you think another person can get in the way of what you want, then you have done a flip to the negative. Focus on creating what you want." ~ TS</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You are the center of divine operation in your life, and your partner is the Universe. No one can get in the way of your creation." ~ TS</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Stop feeding whatever's bugging you and it will fly away." ~PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." ~ Dr Martin Luther King Jr</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"On days when you feel like a motherless child, go outside. Feel the wind stroke your hair like a good mother should, and let the sun kiss your cheeks and warm you. Then sit on the ground as if it were her lap, and tell your troubles to the good Mother Earth who feeds you." ~ Sandra Kring</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us." ~ Earl Nightingale</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ by Diane Ackerman</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Good thoughts and actions always produce good results, sometimes in unusual ways. Just focus on doing what you can, and leave the results up to God." ~PO</span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Your pain and sorrow can in retrospect be a gift. Your sorrow expands the spectrum of human experience, understanding and emotions for you. You become more grateful because of your sorrow. The sorrow carves deeper. And the deeper it carves, the more joy you will also be able to contain. The sad times make the happy times even sweeter." ~ The Positivity </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I have a pessimistic mood or low energy or no motivation or all of them then that can help me to think in new ways about things. My lowest days often turn out to be some of my most creative days. The bad day may not feel good, but I know that it often will bring me positive things." ~ The Positivity Blog</span></li>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-44398776788011372942011-11-14T11:33:00.000-08:002013-06-13T16:15:49.350-07:00Ages and Stages...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Even though I have said that at this stage in my life I am reaching out to others and trying to make social connections, it is also a time for internal reflection. Being me, I seem to be focussing more on the internal reflection part, than the reaching out part. It's all a process right? Baby steps, as I have said before. Actually, now that I really think about it I have been a bit more socially engaged... or at least more socially open than I have been in the past. Huh. Good to realize.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That is why it's a good idea to write down a list of one's goals. Then, at a later point... or even when you are feeling like you are making no progress, you can go back and re-read your list and see that in fact you most likely have made progress. Even if just baby step. It reminds me of the idea that I heard years ago about keeping a "prayer journal". I was part of a "home group" set up by my church for small groupings of people to get together weekly to experience a more personal and interactive experience. At the close of each meeting we would share our prayer requests, with the idea that we would pray for each other. I kept a prayer journal for the group, and after a few months went back and found that indeed, most of our prayers were answered in one way or another, at least to some degree.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway to get back on track to what I initially meant to write about... (<em>see how I ramble? But this is what I meant this writing experience to be about for me... my wandering thoughts. See how I also argue with myself a lot?... ugh</em>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, even though I have found myself turning inward to reflection, I realize that I am still "teaching" my girls. Even though they are teens and young adults, and don't need me in the same way they used to, they still watch and learn from their mother. But it is different than how they used to view me and my ways... instead of just seeing their mum and seeing me as an authority figure who is all knowing and perfect, they now think for themselves and may or may not agree with my opinions and ways. Along with their own thought processes, they have friends, teachers, professors, and even Youtube stars helping them analyse the world around them. I've noticed that they see Youtube stars as almost friends. That is kinda scary. They can (and do) interact with these stars through adding comments, "friending" them on Facebook and "chatting" when they do livestream stuff. They watch these people going through their daily lives and speaking directly to the camera (read: the viewer) often about personal and/or big matters. Values, opinions, how to act, what family life is supposed to be like, how to manage your finances, etc. I trust my girls, and I know they watch youtubers with good values for the most part. They have gravitated towards the youtubers with similar values to ours... humour, family, fun, creativity, appreciation of the small things, health... But still...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I mean I know that friends and tv etc have always been a huge influences on kids' lives... but now... I guess it's my kids' age and their maturity level that make them open their eyes to my faults. I dunno what I'm trying to say here... writing it out, I see it's a good thing. It's awesome. I guess my point is that I can't take their respect for granted anymore. It's got nothing to do with Youtube. They are emerging young women on the awesome progression towards being independent adults. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am grateful for my three beautiful, intelligent, awesome daughters. I am grateful for their emerging independence. I am grateful that I can be a part of it. I am grateful that they respect me and my opinions and truly like me (and I, them). Actually, I am grateful that they do have these other influences in their lives. I know I haven't done everything right and that my opinions aren't always the healthiest. They are taking in all the information around them and digesting it... helping them to formulate their own opinions and ways. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, I have come to realize that all this stuff about working on myself and my attitudes etc is also about helping form my daughters' attitudes, dreams and sense of power. I may have been feeling like it's a time to step aside and let them go, but... they are still here, watching and asking my opinions. I may have faults, and they may see them more clearly now... but they can also see that I am trying to change... and we can now discuss these new opinions, values and ways logically and critically together. How awesome is that?!</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-74922054905801747042011-11-08T12:55:00.000-08:002013-06-13T16:17:48.454-07:00I Am...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A friend tells me that, when put together, those are the two most powerful words in the english language. "I am". When following the principles of "<em>The Secret</em>" it makes total sense. By stating what indeed "I am", I am setting my limits and predetermining my destiny. On a subconscious level I am stating a perceived account, or fact as it were, about myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's funny, I have always been a big skeptic, but... just say to yourself "I am tired". Now how do you feel? Tired, I bet. Now say "I am happy". Don't you feel better now? Weird how it works, but who are we to try to understand the intricacies of the human psyche? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We can use "I am" statements to kick ourselves in the butt. Even if you don't feel a certain way, doing this can steer you in a chosen direction. We can choose our mood, our thoughts and supposedly, our destiny.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am happy</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am a good person</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am likeable</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am a great mom</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am going to contribute financially to my household this year</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am a good photographer</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am intelligent</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When I am feeling a little insecure or not quite as "up" as I'd like to be I have a harder time saying positive things about myself. When that happens I try really hard not to say negative "I am" statements. To not put myself down. Not limit myself. I try to at least say some positive ones... even the most basic ones... like "I am grateful for my kids".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That is one reason keeping a gratitude journal is so helpful in shaping my view. I just take a few moments at the end of each day to jot down three things that I was grateful for that day. Even on "bad days" I can always come up with something... I may just have to think a little harder. "I am grateful that it didn't rain today". "I am grateful for my cozy sweater". "I am grateful my kids are healthy". See how easy it is? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It isn't necessary to do big "I am" statements. You don't have to jump directly to "I am going to be a millionaire by the time I am 50" or "I am gorgeous". You can take baby steps. Start small. "I am going to contribute financially" and "I have pretty eyes". The Universe knows me. I can go at my own pace. With my own style. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's funny, since I have started trying to incorporate this stuff into my thinking I found I was having times of... well... a blank mind. I'd just find myself not thinking about anything. It's not happening so much anymore but I noticed it a few weeks ago. I realized after a few days that it was occurring because I was so used to thinking negative things. Dwelling on negativity. Stewing in it. Now that I had told myself not to do that anymore, there were empty spaces where those thoughts used to reside. I laughed when I realized what was happening.</span></div>
Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872479921472974345.post-29269519099725352232011-10-31T14:05:00.000-07:002013-06-13T16:19:55.432-07:00The Bigger Picture...<div class="uiAttachmentTitle">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I feel that there is a thought, or a feeling... or a revelation brewing within my mind... but I need to just sit down and have a moment here to sort it out. Other things always seem to come first...the busyness of our days. Even though I have pared down my life and keep it pretty simple I still seem to be busy with stuff. The everlasting to-do list. The bottomless list. As a stay-at-home mum other people add to my list too. It is my job after all. So here are a few thoughts, in a few minutes, between... stuff.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As part of this recent journey that I am on I am trying to listen more to inner voices, as well as outer voices whom I would have previously brushed aside. One thing that's been niggling at me led to this need to sort through my thoughts. Just this morning I came to realize that over the last week or so a number of the inspirational emails and apps that I subscribe to, along with some other emails and messages I have received are all coming together to bring me a message.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From my <em>Daily Teachings from The Secret </em>I was told that "Many of us were taught to put ourselves last, and as a consequence we attracted feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. You must change that thinking." And last night I read an email regarding raising teenagers which stated that teenagers become selfish unless they are encouraged to do more things for themselves. So here I am giving myself a moment today to work on myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One quote I read yesterday confirmed nicely what I wrote here in my last blog entry; “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other p<span class="text_exposed_show">eople won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another; "It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you." (MFG)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That got me thinking... what/who am I hiding from? And why? Why don't I want to be "seen"?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's crazy... I was watching a dumb show the other day... <em>Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. </em>(disclaimer: The only reason I started watching it is because I went to school with Tracy, who is often on the show.) Garbage one would think, but some good stuff is dealt with in that show. In the episode I watched Gene was going through a pre-marriage bootcamp. One thing the counsellors honed in on was his relationships with his mother and his deceased father. He adored his mother and resented his father. The counsellors made him go through the exercise of forgiving his father. Not for the father's sake but for Gene's sake... and also for his fiance's sake. He had to let go of his anger. We also saw that Gene's attitude towards women was based on how he saw his mother. He put her on a pedestal, as he subsequently does with his fiance. And he sees himself as the bad, hurtful jerk that his dad was. Interesting. It made me realize that I tend to get along with men better than with women because I got along better with my dad. I also have been unable to love myself because I was unloved by my mum and she, I am assuming, doesn't love herself. After the show I thought about this and I quietly, in my own mind (but now I realize, to the Universe) forgave my mum. Since then (I realize now) I have accepted myself more. I am a good person. I am worthy. I deserve to be loved. And I am a likeable person too. I'm kinda neat (cool neat that is, not tidy neat).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So my point is, that since I am finding I like myself more now, I am feeling less of a need to hide. Why not show my true self to the world? Making this blog a public blog was a big step for me. I haven't gone so far as to tell anyone that I know about it... and I'm sure no one other than me has read it... but I'm still showing more of myself than I would have in the past.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The sermon series at church over the last few weeks can be summed up with the message that we don't have to earn God's love, we have it already. And that we don't have to behave perfectly and follow all the right rules, we just have to trust that God is on our side and is leading us somewhere good. Just trust God. Trust the Universe. It's on our side. Even if my mum wasn't on my side, God is. The whole freaking universe is on my side! I can forgive my mum, realize she did the best she could and move on, with the universe holding me up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm sure there's more to this thought branch than I was able to clarify, but I'm glad I got some of it down on paper (well... keyboard).</span></div>
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Annehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05817438084090079598noreply@blogger.com0