Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack...

To get up to speed: Ok, so now my youngest is away and the other two are back, and I work two days a week at my husband's business.

So, yeah, I am still alive and haven't imploded with worry. Things are fine. After some initial panic and terror and regret (all hers, not mine) and tearful calls back home, my youngest is now happy and doing well on the other side of the world. I was the one saying "no, you didn't make a mistake. You are where you need to be and you are fine. Give it time." She has been gone for two months.

Oh, I need to insert a funny story here; just to share a mom story. After my daughter landed at her destination after a gruelling 2 days of flights and layovers in foreign countries, she was messaging me in the middle of the night (her daytime) in tears saying she was nauseous and couldn't eat and was scared and having panic attacks etc. Then my other daughter who was still travelling, was on a boat in SE Asia and had bad diarrhea. She had had it for 2 days. They didn't want to pay for a cabin for the 3 day long journey so were sleeping on deck, on the floor. It was pouring rain. Now her travel companion was starting to throw up and have diarrhea as well, and "Mum, what should we do?" Then my oldest daughter was getting upset with me because I wasn't listening attentively enough to her while she cried to me about problems with her friends. I handled it though. I got this. I kept my cool, as we Mum's do, and gave each of them the attention and advice that they needed. Crises averted.

But now all is calm. For now at least. My youngest is settling down to find a job and a place to live while my other two are settling back into working life back home and thinking of their next big adventures. My youngest doesn't communicate with me as much as I'd like. But I can't ask for more. I knew she'd be like that even though she swore she wouldn't be. But she's happy and safe, and that's what matters.

So, back to me now. Letting go. That's still what it's all about. That's still my job at this point. Train them, then trust them, then let them go. Trust the universe. Trust that I've done my job right.

I had a realization this morning that I wanted to write about. I guess I had assumed that travelling as my middle daughter did, for three months in countries very different than our own, that she would come back a changed person. More worldly. More... compassionate. Full of introspection and realizations about herself and the world. But she didn't really. If anything (how do I say this in a kind way?) she came back more egocentric and more judgemental than she was before. Just a slight shift. And skyping with my youngest last night I saw the same thing in her. Maybe not the judgemental thing but definitely the egocentricity. At first I saw that negatively and was caught off guard by it, but after mulling it over I realized that it's is perfectly natural and to be expected. It is the pulling away from family; going from Us to Me. From being part of a group to being an individual. From having to take consideration of others to just having to consider oneself. It's all good. Letting go. They are, and so am I. Then reflecting more, I realized that I too must be going through the same process. Less having to consider the needs of the many and just having to consider myself, in many situations. We are all in transition. All on a journey. All trying to figure out who we are, what we like and what we want in life and our future, and then confidently saying to the world "This is who I am".

It's about giving each other space. Yes, letting go, but also keeping the channels open. Moving on and forward, but not burning bridges or slamming doors behind you.

Holes...

I hurt. 

A piece of me is gone. 

I don't like this feeling.

My body is tearing away.  Piece by piece.

Leaving holes.

That's what it feels like as my children leave.  Like a part of my physical being is gone.

What do I do now?

Part of me is elsewhere.  I am torn.

I am not a whole.  I have a hole.

I am assuming... I am told... 

Eventually the hole will heal.  It will close and heal over.  

Filling with other things.  Other people.

But all I can do for now is ache.

Go through the motions of my day.

Being reminded periodically of the absence.

The ache swells.

Swells and subsides.

The dance of parenting continues.

Holding tight and letting go.

To their rhythm.

Not mine.

Let them go.

Let them grow.

I have to.

Give up that piece of me.  Let it go.

Accept the void.  Look for ways to fill it.

Turn the hole back into a whole.

It's been a long time.

A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.

Doing the dance.

All together we were the whole.

Moving in step.

This is just another part of the dance.

Inevitable.

They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.

Ready or not.

But for now...

I ache.

Whisperings...

Wow!  It's been a while since I wrote here.  I guess I sort of gave up on it.  Did I give up on me??  No.  I didn't.  Never have, never will.  As the blog name states, it's a journey.  I just got thrown off track a little.  All part of the process, right?

So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey".  Since I am a photographer, Yes, I think of myself that way now.  Awesome, right?! I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography.  But, curiously,  I have been pulled to words instead.  I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here.  Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page?  Well, a computer screen actually.  I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again.  I'm excited!

The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, my spiritual journey, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together.  I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time.  Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being.

Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues.  Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old.  I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, knock on wood, and am excited about the future.  After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time.  Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.

When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings".  I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go".  Huh.  That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in.  That was a whispering.

I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me.  It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. In my soul??   That is how my whisperings come to me.  Another way is niggling feelings.  Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc.  Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere.  I am not always aware of the niggling.  Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe??   I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related.  Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"."

It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook.  Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace".  And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame.  Letting go of control is a major step.

One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists.  I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn.  I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on".  Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity.  They needed to "let go", physically.

So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go.  And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom".  Cool.  More synchronicity. 

I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams.  Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings.  I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them.  They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.

Am I just sounding like a kook now?  Are these ramblings going anywhere?

I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog.  I feel more... integrous. Is that even a word?  More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside.  Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind.  That's a big step.  Feels good.  So important at this stage of a woman's life.  I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me.  And I don't apologize for any of it.  I am who I am.  Like it or leave it.

That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace".  Peace is something I strive for.  I don't mean world peace.  I mean within myself.  That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling.  My question is: Is peace the goal?  Everyone's goal?  The ultimate goal?

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

Thinkable Thoughts...

• "When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.  When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

• "We are so accustomed to disguising our true nature from others, that we end up disguising it from ourselves."

• "Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." 
• BUT...

•  "Do something today that your future self will thank you for."

• "You are you not meant for crawling, so don't.  You have wings. Learn to use them and fly. You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings."

• "If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." ~ Dennis Waitley

•  “If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

• "You become what you do.  Life molds itself into the shape of your actions.  Do something long enough and you become it. Fighting for peace makes more war. Loving for peace makes more peace."

• "Love is the way.  In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."

• "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."

• "As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become."

• "Happiness is a state of being, and comes from the inside of you. By the law of attraction you must become on the inside what you want on the outside."

• "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." ~ Charlie Parker, jazz saxaphonist

• "When you feel listless and lethargic, do something different.  Instead of staying in your routine, go to a park or a movie or to lunch with a friend. Change your routine a bit. Sometimes a little change of scenery does wonders."

• "Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of crazy."

• "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain

• "Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter. " ~ Susan Cain

• "We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be." 

• “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”—Carl Jung 

• "Take a closer look at the word responsibility and you will notice that it is made up of two root words… response and ability. In essence, you have the ability to choose your response to any and all events that take place in your life.  Accepting personal responsibility is recognizing that the Calvary isn’t coming. While you may and will need the help of others to reach your goals, the onus is on you to orchestrate your own rescue. As they say, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me!” "

• "You can't change the wind, but you can change your sails"

• "A peaceful man is not completely free from the pinch of life's aggravations. He simply declines to give them power and refuses to be held captive by them."

• "Begin each day with a prayer for peace and happiness. “Thank you, inner guide, for reminding me of all the love and light in my life. I welcome positive support throughout this day. I expect miracles.” This daily practice will jump-start your day with a miracle mindset and awaken your consciousness to the greatness around you."

• "Your talent is the Universe's gift to you.  What you do with it is your gift back to the Universe." 

• "How bad things may look right now means nothing.  It's how good they can be that counts.  In life you can absolutely count on one thing; everything can turn around in one day,  In one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up.  You might be a moment away from a windfall."

• "All is well.  All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

What are you so afraid of?

I realize I am a fearful person.  Afraid of what others think, afraid of failure, afraid of losing control, afraid of strong emotion, afraid of confrontation.  It has held me back a lot in my life.  All of these fears.

I am diabetic, so my fears of being somewhere and running into blood sugar issues is a legitimate concern, but also one that can be dealt with with good preplanning.  I know my body pretty well.  Things can happen unexpectedly but I should be able to cover those, again, with preplanning.

Ok... so who cares what others think?  Really I don't, now that I think about it.  And no one else really cares if I fail at something.  Is that fear really a good reason to avoid even starting in the first place?  The next three previously mentioned fears probably are a result of past experiences but they have led to the point of me avoiding many situations or resolving issues that really should be faced.  Not really serving my best interest. Hmmm.... thinking about it I am afraid of confrontation in certain areas of my life because I know they would lead to anxiety.

I guess that's a big thing for me.  I'm scared of feeling anxious.  I just want to be happy.  So I have simplified my life and my interactions to avoid anxiety. To the point that my life is very limited and predictable.  I'm no kook... I just am not living my life to the extent that I, and those around me deserve.  Ok... I am also afraid of change.  Confrontation and openness would lead to change most likely.  I'd have to step out of my comfort zone.  My little coccoon.  My box. Hmmm...

How does this relate to gratitude?  Hmmm... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I want to feel more control in my life.  I have heard that one can determine how their life goes... they can think it into existence.  I have always blown that off as being... umm... dishonest?  Ungenuine?  Not facing the truth or the facts in front of you and living a dellusional smiley fluffy headed existence.  But ya know... what if it works?  They say it does.  In a way it's what I've already been doing by avoiding looking at the painful parts of my life.  Is it the same thing?  Or is it different? 

Am I aiming for happiness over truth?  Is that what everyone is doing?  Is that what we should be doing?  Or is that what has led to the economical state of the world today?

I get a giddy feeling every once in a while that if I focus on the happy stuff and the stuff I am grateful for ... then I will feel good... and that leads to energy and confidence... and that leads to action... which leads to results!  So if we (read: I) control our thoughts that will in hand control our emotions... and the rest will just follow.  Oh I hope so.  And I hope I can not get hit by a bad day (grey, or hormonal, or from something external happening, or from not feeling well, etc) and give it all up.

I have always believed that if one has an emotion they should just experience it... let it happen and it will pass when it is over.  I remember having a discussion about this with a man about 15 years ago... before all this power of positive thinking stuff had gone mainstream.  He said that no, you shouldn't dwell on your feelings, you should push past them, supress them and get on with it.  Maybe he was onto something. 

I know that since starting this blog/journal I have been feeling better.  I am not as judgemental or negative (not perfect of course, but I hope to improve).  I keep feeling like I need to say "so I hope all those other feelings don't come back and I don't just slip back"... but isn't this about taking control?!  I should not (read: am not) going to let that happen.

So... here I stand (sit really) grateful for where, and who I am today.  Recently I decided that I do like myself.  And that I'm not a bad person.  I've just let myself slip and fade away. 

No more.  I am me.  I am good.  I am nice.  I am healthy.  I have a good life.  I have great kids.  God made me the way I am way for a reason.  He made me a perfect me... with the world and life spread out in front of me for me to experience and enjoy.  Exciting stuff, huh?!  It is!  All the possibilities! I was going to say "where is life going to lead me?"  But I guess the real question is where shall I lead my life? 

I have never been good at making decisions... or knowing what I want I guess.  I'm sure again, that is tied to my past, but the cause is not the issue.  That's over and done with.  I have the power to choose now.  Hmmm... mind boggling.  No it's not!  That is defeatist attitude... saying my mind can't handle it.  It all starts with baby steps.  Small decisions...I don't have to make the big decisions now.  Focus on the now... on the good stuff in the now.  "Bloom where you are planted" as the fridge magnet my daughter made me 10 or so years ago says.  The past is over and unchangeable, the future is unknown but the here and now is the "present"!  It's the only thing any of us can work with.

So as you can see I tend to blab on and on.  But writing things down like this helps me.  It helps me to lay my thoughts out on the table, as it were.  Clears the cobwebs.  I suppose it also is a way to hold myself accountable. 

I have no idea if anyone else is reading this.  If you are, I hope my ramblings help you in some way, or at least make you think.  I know they are helping me.  If you have any input or feedback I'd love to hear from you.