I feel that there is a thought, or a feeling... or a revelation brewing within my mind... but I need to just sit down and have a moment here to sort it out. Other things always seem to come first...the busyness of our days. Even though I have pared down my life and keep it pretty simple I still seem to be busy with stuff. The everlasting to-do list. The bottomless list. As a stay-at-home mum other people add to my list too. It is my job after all. So here are a few thoughts, in a few minutes, between... stuff.
As part of this recent journey that I am on I am trying to listen more to inner voices, as well as outer voices whom I would have previously brushed aside. One thing that's been niggling at me led to this need to sort through my thoughts. Just this morning I came to realize that over the last week or so a number of the inspirational emails and apps that I subscribe to, along with some other emails and messages I have received are all coming together to bring me a message.
From my Daily Teachings from The Secret I was told that "Many of us were taught to put ourselves last, and as a consequence we attracted feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. You must change that thinking." And last night I read an email regarding raising teenagers which stated that teenagers become selfish unless they are encouraged to do more things for themselves. So here I am giving myself a moment today to work on myself.
One quote I read yesterday confirmed nicely what I wrote here in my last blog entry; “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
Another; "It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you." (MFG)
That got me thinking... what/who am I hiding from? And why? Why don't I want to be "seen"?
It's crazy... I was watching a dumb show the other day... Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. (disclaimer: The only reason I started watching it is because I went to school with Tracy, who is often on the show.) Garbage one would think, but some good stuff is dealt with in that show. In the episode I watched Gene was going through a pre-marriage bootcamp. One thing the counsellors honed in on was his relationships with his mother and his deceased father. He adored his mother and resented his father. The counsellors made him go through the exercise of forgiving his father. Not for the father's sake but for Gene's sake... and also for his fiance's sake. He had to let go of his anger. We also saw that Gene's attitude towards women was based on how he saw his mother. He put her on a pedestal, as he subsequently does with his fiance. And he sees himself as the bad, hurtful jerk that his dad was. Interesting. It made me realize that I tend to get along with men better than with women because I got along better with my dad. I also have been unable to love myself because I was unloved by my mum and she, I am assuming, doesn't love herself. After the show I thought about this and I quietly, in my own mind (but now I realize, to the Universe) forgave my mum. Since then (I realize now) I have accepted myself more. I am a good person. I am worthy. I deserve to be loved. And I am a likeable person too. I'm kinda neat (cool neat that is, not tidy neat).
So my point is, that since I am finding I like myself more now, I am feeling less of a need to hide. Why not show my true self to the world? Making this blog a public blog was a big step for me. I haven't gone so far as to tell anyone that I know about it... and I'm sure no one other than me has read it... but I'm still showing more of myself than I would have in the past.
The sermon series at church over the last few weeks can be summed up with the message that we don't have to earn God's love, we have it already. And that we don't have to behave perfectly and follow all the right rules, we just have to trust that God is on our side and is leading us somewhere good. Just trust God. Trust the Universe. It's on our side. Even if my mum wasn't on my side, God is. The whole freaking universe is on my side! I can forgive my mum, realize she did the best she could and move on, with the universe holding me up.
I'm sure there's more to this thought branch than I was able to clarify, but I'm glad I got some of it down on paper (well... keyboard).
