A New Normal...

I sit here. Alone.

 At a place where I used to come with you.

It's the same... but different.

Still my "happy place", but now tinged with sadness.

But that's ok. My new reality.

You would enjoy this. You always did. 

After a while I won't think that way anymore. 

I will just enjoy it on my own. In my own way.

I won't save shells for you, or comment on oddly shaped driftwood. 

No one to tell it to. To share it with.

But that's ok.

I still like it here. 

I hesitated to come though. All this way; such a long drive, just for me. 

But it's what my soul craved. Needed.

The ocean. The wind. The dunes.

Soon I will bring my camera again. After I get past feeling that my photos lack interest if a loved one isn't in them.

My urge to take pictures will return. 

New sights will catch my eye. New subject matter.

And that's ok. 

A new normal.

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

Time to Pause and Reflect...

I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life.  Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.

Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up.  We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc.  And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.

I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself.  I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own?  Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady?  I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that.  I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.

For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it.  I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done.  I'm not sure what I will do.  I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way.  I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing.  And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh).  I am going to have to make an effort to go out.  I will probably get together with my sisters a few times.  I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff. 

When I was in university it was a very social time for me.  I loved it.  Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people.  Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university.  I moved by myself and lived by myself.  I had to learn to be my own best friend.  I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood.  And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did  touristy things, etc. 

I am comfortable being by myself.  Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird".  I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself.  I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt.  I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company.  (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)

Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with.  I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new.  Hmmm.  Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further.  Hmmm.  Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years.  Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm.  

Stuff to think about for sure.

So Delicate...

A delicate flower...

Soft pink and fragrant

with translucent petals,

that demurely glow

when touched by sunlight.

The flower's stamen (or is it pistol, I don't even know)

protruding from the centre of the flower

with tiny specks of pollen

precariously clinging to it.

It blows my mind...

it sits there quietly;

so fragile

so seemingly insignificant,

so unobtrusive or demanding...

on the brink of destruction.

So beautiful and so fragile.

Yet it serves a purpose.

It's a part of the ecosystem...

the grand scheme as it were.

It bobs along in the wind

beautiful and perfect

emanating happiness and... actually, faith.

We too are intricately designed.

Beautiful and fragile.

Complex and precarious.

So much... effort, or design, or...thought

in each living thing.

Yet, life is so easily taken away.

We too are part of the bigger picture.

We too have a purpose.

Each of us.

However It is not ours for understanding

or for worrying about.

It is ours to hold,

to cherish,

to trust,

to rest in

and to be thankful.

Thinkable Thoughts...

• "When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.  When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

• "We are so accustomed to disguising our true nature from others, that we end up disguising it from ourselves."

• "Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." 
• BUT...

•  "Do something today that your future self will thank you for."

• "You are you not meant for crawling, so don't.  You have wings. Learn to use them and fly. You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings."

• "If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." ~ Dennis Waitley

•  “If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

• "You become what you do.  Life molds itself into the shape of your actions.  Do something long enough and you become it. Fighting for peace makes more war. Loving for peace makes more peace."

• "Love is the way.  In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."

• "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."

• "As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become."

• "Happiness is a state of being, and comes from the inside of you. By the law of attraction you must become on the inside what you want on the outside."

• "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." ~ Charlie Parker, jazz saxaphonist

• "When you feel listless and lethargic, do something different.  Instead of staying in your routine, go to a park or a movie or to lunch with a friend. Change your routine a bit. Sometimes a little change of scenery does wonders."

• "Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of crazy."

• "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain

• "Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter. " ~ Susan Cain

• "We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be." 

• “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”—Carl Jung 

• "Take a closer look at the word responsibility and you will notice that it is made up of two root words… response and ability. In essence, you have the ability to choose your response to any and all events that take place in your life.  Accepting personal responsibility is recognizing that the Calvary isn’t coming. While you may and will need the help of others to reach your goals, the onus is on you to orchestrate your own rescue. As they say, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me!” "

• "You can't change the wind, but you can change your sails"

• "A peaceful man is not completely free from the pinch of life's aggravations. He simply declines to give them power and refuses to be held captive by them."

• "Begin each day with a prayer for peace and happiness. “Thank you, inner guide, for reminding me of all the love and light in my life. I welcome positive support throughout this day. I expect miracles.” This daily practice will jump-start your day with a miracle mindset and awaken your consciousness to the greatness around you."

• "Your talent is the Universe's gift to you.  What you do with it is your gift back to the Universe." 

• "How bad things may look right now means nothing.  It's how good they can be that counts.  In life you can absolutely count on one thing; everything can turn around in one day,  In one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up.  You might be a moment away from a windfall."

• "All is well.  All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."