Wow! It's been a while since I wrote here. I guess I sort of gave up on it. Did I give up on me?? No. I didn't. Never have, never will. As the blog name states, it's a journey. I just got thrown off track a little. All part of the process, right?
So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey". Since I am a photographer, Yes, I think of myself that way now. Awesome, right?! I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography. But, curiously, I have been pulled to words instead. I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here. Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page? Well, a computer screen actually. I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again. I'm excited!
The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, my spiritual journey, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together. I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time. Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being.
Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues. Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old. I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, knock on wood, and am excited about the future. After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time. Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.
When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings". I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go". Huh. That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in. That was a whispering.
I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me. It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. In my soul?? That is how my whisperings come to me. Another way is niggling feelings. Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc. Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere. I am not always aware of the niggling. Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe?? I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related. Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"."
It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook. Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace". And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame. Letting go of control is a major step.
One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists. I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn. I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on". Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity. They needed to "let go", physically.
So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go. And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom". Cool. More synchronicity.
I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams. Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings. I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them. They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.
Am I just sounding like a kook now? Are these ramblings going anywhere?
I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog. I feel more... integrous. Is that even a word? More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside. Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind. That's a big step. Feels good. So important at this stage of a woman's life. I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me. And I don't apologize for any of it. I am who I am. Like it or leave it.
That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace". Peace is something I strive for. I don't mean world peace. I mean within myself. That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling. My question is: Is peace the goal? Everyone's goal? The ultimate goal?
