Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack...

To get up to speed: Ok, so now my youngest is away and the other two are back, and I work two days a week at my husband's business.

So, yeah, I am still alive and haven't imploded with worry. Things are fine. After some initial panic and terror and regret (all hers, not mine) and tearful calls back home, my youngest is now happy and doing well on the other side of the world. I was the one saying "no, you didn't make a mistake. You are where you need to be and you are fine. Give it time." She has been gone for two months.

Oh, I need to insert a funny story here; just to share a mom story. After my daughter landed at her destination after a gruelling 2 days of flights and layovers in foreign countries, she was messaging me in the middle of the night (her daytime) in tears saying she was nauseous and couldn't eat and was scared and having panic attacks etc. Then my other daughter who was still travelling, was on a boat in SE Asia and had bad diarrhea. She had had it for 2 days. They didn't want to pay for a cabin for the 3 day long journey so were sleeping on deck, on the floor. It was pouring rain. Now her travel companion was starting to throw up and have diarrhea as well, and "Mum, what should we do?" Then my oldest daughter was getting upset with me because I wasn't listening attentively enough to her while she cried to me about problems with her friends. I handled it though. I got this. I kept my cool, as we Mum's do, and gave each of them the attention and advice that they needed. Crises averted.

But now all is calm. For now at least. My youngest is settling down to find a job and a place to live while my other two are settling back into working life back home and thinking of their next big adventures. My youngest doesn't communicate with me as much as I'd like. But I can't ask for more. I knew she'd be like that even though she swore she wouldn't be. But she's happy and safe, and that's what matters.

So, back to me now. Letting go. That's still what it's all about. That's still my job at this point. Train them, then trust them, then let them go. Trust the universe. Trust that I've done my job right.

I had a realization this morning that I wanted to write about. I guess I had assumed that travelling as my middle daughter did, for three months in countries very different than our own, that she would come back a changed person. More worldly. More... compassionate. Full of introspection and realizations about herself and the world. But she didn't really. If anything (how do I say this in a kind way?) she came back more egocentric and more judgemental than she was before. Just a slight shift. And skyping with my youngest last night I saw the same thing in her. Maybe not the judgemental thing but definitely the egocentricity. At first I saw that negatively and was caught off guard by it, but after mulling it over I realized that it's is perfectly natural and to be expected. It is the pulling away from family; going from Us to Me. From being part of a group to being an individual. From having to take consideration of others to just having to consider oneself. It's all good. Letting go. They are, and so am I. Then reflecting more, I realized that I too must be going through the same process. Less having to consider the needs of the many and just having to consider myself, in many situations. We are all in transition. All on a journey. All trying to figure out who we are, what we like and what we want in life and our future, and then confidently saying to the world "This is who I am".

It's about giving each other space. Yes, letting go, but also keeping the channels open. Moving on and forward, but not burning bridges or slamming doors behind you.

Holes...

I hurt. 

A piece of me is gone. 

I don't like this feeling.

My body is tearing away.  Piece by piece.

Leaving holes.

That's what it feels like as my children leave.  Like a part of my physical being is gone.

What do I do now?

Part of me is elsewhere.  I am torn.

I am not a whole.  I have a hole.

I am assuming... I am told... 

Eventually the hole will heal.  It will close and heal over.  

Filling with other things.  Other people.

But all I can do for now is ache.

Go through the motions of my day.

Being reminded periodically of the absence.

The ache swells.

Swells and subsides.

The dance of parenting continues.

Holding tight and letting go.

To their rhythm.

Not mine.

Let them go.

Let them grow.

I have to.

Give up that piece of me.  Let it go.

Accept the void.  Look for ways to fill it.

Turn the hole back into a whole.

It's been a long time.

A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.

Doing the dance.

All together we were the whole.

Moving in step.

This is just another part of the dance.

Inevitable.

They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.

Ready or not.

But for now...

I ache.

Flying Away...

Wow... Another long break from writing here.  Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself.  Sorry for not writing or journaling.  I know it is good for me.  I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.

So yes... time has passed.  A brief catch-up is in order...

I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's.  They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so.  I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people.  All three of them still live at home.  As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me".  I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although  I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away.  I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.

At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months.  Deep breath.  I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out.  One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months.  I trust that they are capable and safe.  My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year!  That totally freaks me out.  She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know.  And she doesn't want my help or input with planning.  It terrifies me.  She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together.  It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip.  I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree.  I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends.  My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well.  She seems to have found balance though.

I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip.  I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her.  She is 20.  She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way.  I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay.  (There is that "letting go" again).  Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20.  He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person.  Perhaps she is too.  Maybe that's where the difference lies.

She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this.  Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't.  She needs something big of her own.

So I have to let her go.  My baby. Wipe a tear...

So all of this is preparing me for my future.  My empty nest.  I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me.  The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me.  I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff.  They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day.  All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually.  They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can.  That they don't need me.  I need to know that too.  Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.

Wow, so much to say and to talk about.  To vent.  To process.

All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband.  We have both changed so much over the years.  And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart.  I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common.  Sad, I know.  And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation.  I have no career to go back to.  Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway.  I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial.  At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself.  I don't like that feeling.

So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own.  I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together.  I hope we can.  Reconnect, that is.

Where has the time gone?  The days may be long but the years are short.  Fleeting.

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

What are you so afraid of?

I realize I am a fearful person.  Afraid of what others think, afraid of failure, afraid of losing control, afraid of strong emotion, afraid of confrontation.  It has held me back a lot in my life.  All of these fears.

I am diabetic, so my fears of being somewhere and running into blood sugar issues is a legitimate concern, but also one that can be dealt with with good preplanning.  I know my body pretty well.  Things can happen unexpectedly but I should be able to cover those, again, with preplanning.

Ok... so who cares what others think?  Really I don't, now that I think about it.  And no one else really cares if I fail at something.  Is that fear really a good reason to avoid even starting in the first place?  The next three previously mentioned fears probably are a result of past experiences but they have led to the point of me avoiding many situations or resolving issues that really should be faced.  Not really serving my best interest. Hmmm.... thinking about it I am afraid of confrontation in certain areas of my life because I know they would lead to anxiety.

I guess that's a big thing for me.  I'm scared of feeling anxious.  I just want to be happy.  So I have simplified my life and my interactions to avoid anxiety. To the point that my life is very limited and predictable.  I'm no kook... I just am not living my life to the extent that I, and those around me deserve.  Ok... I am also afraid of change.  Confrontation and openness would lead to change most likely.  I'd have to step out of my comfort zone.  My little coccoon.  My box. Hmmm...

How does this relate to gratitude?  Hmmm... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I want to feel more control in my life.  I have heard that one can determine how their life goes... they can think it into existence.  I have always blown that off as being... umm... dishonest?  Ungenuine?  Not facing the truth or the facts in front of you and living a dellusional smiley fluffy headed existence.  But ya know... what if it works?  They say it does.  In a way it's what I've already been doing by avoiding looking at the painful parts of my life.  Is it the same thing?  Or is it different? 

Am I aiming for happiness over truth?  Is that what everyone is doing?  Is that what we should be doing?  Or is that what has led to the economical state of the world today?

I get a giddy feeling every once in a while that if I focus on the happy stuff and the stuff I am grateful for ... then I will feel good... and that leads to energy and confidence... and that leads to action... which leads to results!  So if we (read: I) control our thoughts that will in hand control our emotions... and the rest will just follow.  Oh I hope so.  And I hope I can not get hit by a bad day (grey, or hormonal, or from something external happening, or from not feeling well, etc) and give it all up.

I have always believed that if one has an emotion they should just experience it... let it happen and it will pass when it is over.  I remember having a discussion about this with a man about 15 years ago... before all this power of positive thinking stuff had gone mainstream.  He said that no, you shouldn't dwell on your feelings, you should push past them, supress them and get on with it.  Maybe he was onto something. 

I know that since starting this blog/journal I have been feeling better.  I am not as judgemental or negative (not perfect of course, but I hope to improve).  I keep feeling like I need to say "so I hope all those other feelings don't come back and I don't just slip back"... but isn't this about taking control?!  I should not (read: am not) going to let that happen.

So... here I stand (sit really) grateful for where, and who I am today.  Recently I decided that I do like myself.  And that I'm not a bad person.  I've just let myself slip and fade away. 

No more.  I am me.  I am good.  I am nice.  I am healthy.  I have a good life.  I have great kids.  God made me the way I am way for a reason.  He made me a perfect me... with the world and life spread out in front of me for me to experience and enjoy.  Exciting stuff, huh?!  It is!  All the possibilities! I was going to say "where is life going to lead me?"  But I guess the real question is where shall I lead my life? 

I have never been good at making decisions... or knowing what I want I guess.  I'm sure again, that is tied to my past, but the cause is not the issue.  That's over and done with.  I have the power to choose now.  Hmmm... mind boggling.  No it's not!  That is defeatist attitude... saying my mind can't handle it.  It all starts with baby steps.  Small decisions...I don't have to make the big decisions now.  Focus on the now... on the good stuff in the now.  "Bloom where you are planted" as the fridge magnet my daughter made me 10 or so years ago says.  The past is over and unchangeable, the future is unknown but the here and now is the "present"!  It's the only thing any of us can work with.

So as you can see I tend to blab on and on.  But writing things down like this helps me.  It helps me to lay my thoughts out on the table, as it were.  Clears the cobwebs.  I suppose it also is a way to hold myself accountable. 

I have no idea if anyone else is reading this.  If you are, I hope my ramblings help you in some way, or at least make you think.  I know they are helping me.  If you have any input or feedback I'd love to hear from you.