A New Normal...

I sit here. Alone.

 At a place where I used to come with you.

It's the same... but different.

Still my "happy place", but now tinged with sadness.

But that's ok. My new reality.

You would enjoy this. You always did. 

After a while I won't think that way anymore. 

I will just enjoy it on my own. In my own way.

I won't save shells for you, or comment on oddly shaped driftwood. 

No one to tell it to. To share it with.

But that's ok.

I still like it here. 

I hesitated to come though. All this way; such a long drive, just for me. 

But it's what my soul craved. Needed.

The ocean. The wind. The dunes.

Soon I will bring my camera again. After I get past feeling that my photos lack interest if a loved one isn't in them.

My urge to take pictures will return. 

New sights will catch my eye. New subject matter.

And that's ok. 

A new normal.

Time to Pause and Reflect...

I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life.  Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.

Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up.  We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc.  And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.

I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself.  I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own?  Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady?  I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that.  I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.

For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it.  I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done.  I'm not sure what I will do.  I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way.  I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing.  And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh).  I am going to have to make an effort to go out.  I will probably get together with my sisters a few times.  I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff. 

When I was in university it was a very social time for me.  I loved it.  Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people.  Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university.  I moved by myself and lived by myself.  I had to learn to be my own best friend.  I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood.  And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did  touristy things, etc. 

I am comfortable being by myself.  Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird".  I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself.  I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt.  I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company.  (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)

Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with.  I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new.  Hmmm.  Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further.  Hmmm.  Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years.  Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm.  

Stuff to think about for sure.

Alakazam...

Again with the excuses... with the girls' new schedule this term and Ron working from home, I'm finding it hard to get enough privacy to get into my own headspace.  There seems to always be someone around, coming to talk with me etc.  All of that is fine when I'm staying in the "here and now" but it's not as conducive to being alone with my thoughts and being able to think deeper on whatever it is I let my mind wander to.  (I know in a few years, after the kids have moved out I will miss that though).  Over the last couple of weeks I thought of a number of topics that I would love to delve into here, but haven't had the time.  Urgh.  I meant to jot down the ideas, but then I know that I would get a big long list and would probably feel pressured by the list.  As I have said before, I find what works best for me is, if I just let myself sit down when I know I will have a couple of hours privacy and just relax and let my mind and fingers flow. 

A few times lately the topic of meditation has been put in front of me.  I just realized as I wrote the paragraph above that writing here feels to me, like a form of meditation.  I'm sure musicians feel the same way.  And people who do yoga.  And runners and cyclists. And chefs and artists.  Okay, okay.  You get what I mean.  I get excited about the chance to spend this time.  I look forward to it and feel restless and... all jumbled up, if I don't.  I suppose it's the same with anything someone loves doing.  A passion.  It feels like an extravagence though.  Like I should be doing other things.  I know that a big part of it is because it doesn't make me any money and it isn't "productive".  I don't even share it with many people.  But it has merit for me.  And that should be good enough.  The to-do list can wait.  Enough with the excuses...

One thing I have been wanting to mention here is something kinda cool that I noticed recently. You know how I wrote my list back in October about what I deserve and desire in my life?  And that I was putting it out there to the universe to "make it so" even though I had no idea how any of it was going to come about?  Well, here's the cool part.  Some of it actually has happened!  And in unexpected weird ways too!

Example 1:  I had mentioned that I want to spend more time with my husband and have us enjoy the time together. POOF! I was referred and I signed up to be a "mystery shopper".  My first assignment was to go to a nice restaurant.  I HAD to bring another adult and we HAD to order drinks and an appetizer and meals and dessert, and it would all be paid for (I just have to fill out a questionnaire afterwards).

Example 2:  I had said that I want to have a nice reliable car (the one I have now is old and ugly and is on it's last legs).  BAM!  A few weeks ago my car was in a small accident (no one hurt, no real big deal) but the cost to repair it will be more than the car is worth. I'm just going to use the money from the insurance company for a downpayment on another car.

Example 3: This wasn't on my list but has been on my I-want-it-but-can't-ask-for-it list.  An iPad.  I don't need one, but I'd love to get my hands on one to fiddle with it and see what it can do (I love technology). KAZAM! My youngest daughter has been chosen out of her school of 2000 kids to be one of seven kids to get an iPad as part of a research study on iPad use as an aid to learning.

Example 4: I wanted a good tripod (ball head instead of the usual two or three-way panhead). ABRACADABRA! Over Christmas my sister mentioned that she had one just sitting around not being used and of course I could use it.

I guess you've just gotta put it out there.  I would never have been able to guess or plan any of these solutions that arose.  I didn't directly make any of them happen. 

I think that's called faith.  It's a vulnerable feeling.  Putting your trust out there like that.  But come to think of it, that is SO much better than not being able to trust in anyone or anything... not having any hope, and feeling like you have to do it all by yourself.  That's exhausting.  I know.

A bible verse just came to mind.  I had to look it up.  It's from the book of Matthew.  I remember hearing it years ago.  

  25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*As I've said before, references to God can also be thought of as putting stuff out there to "The Universe", and just not feeling all alone.

Getting back to the topic of meditation... I have learned recently that meditation is the process of quieting your mind so that you can listen, and hear your inner voice and your guiding voice (God).  Prayer is when we do all the talking.  Meditation is when we listen for the answer.  I think I find writing to be meditative because in it, I do both.  Through writing about things that come to mind, I become aware of what is concerning or intriguing me and then I flow through with realizations and conclusions.  Huh.  How cool is that!