My Shadow
When she was young
She was my shadow.
She would stay close
Hold my hand
Cling to me.
As she grew
Time passed.
My shadow shifted
Moving from behind me
To beside me.
We would walk along
Side by side
My shadow and me.
More time passed
She grew some more.
Taller than me now.
Faster than me.
She is now in front
Leading me
While I tag along
Behind
Reaching for her hand.
Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here. I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long. 'Nuff of that.
An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go. Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids. They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go.
A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong. When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be. But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages. When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings. I was learning life lessons and building memories.
A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together. I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe. We actually have lots of fun together. My parents were much more distant and detatched. They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was. And they never asked!
So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios? I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin. I know what to expect. But how do I align that with my own feelings? I tend to be more emotional than intellectual.
Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with. My parents just didn't offer that. Our relationship didn't offer that. I had no one to ask for advice. No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug. I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go. I never want children to feel alone or uncared for.
I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old. Then her dad died when she was 20. She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own. She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless. She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one. They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations. So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on. I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.
So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood. Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage. Aha! I said it. I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together. I know, I sound pitiful. When I got married my husband was my best friend. Then we had kids. Having three kids in five years was a lot of work. It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me. Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends. I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself.
Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel. I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go. So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am. Me. Anne. Who am I?? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future? My dreams... not anyone elses. What do I want?
Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown. So far I've been good at being a mom. So what now? Was I hiding behind my kids? And before that was I hiding behind my husband? At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me. I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.
Back to the issue of letting go of my kids... I gotta do it. I know I do. It's the natural evolution of things. I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection. I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision... My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands. We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough. They still ask my advice. Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons. I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint. I support them emotionally with love. I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (I hope I can do that) and just trust them. They are good, smart kids. They will be good smart adults. I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.
Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it. God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some interesting memories. Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me. There's the rub. It's my problem... I can't make it theirs. I also can't let it ruin our relationship.
Just let them go Anne. In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (not only when I am ready). It's gotta be about them. Not about me. It's their turn. Time to spread their wings and soar!
