Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack...

To get up to speed: Ok, so now my youngest is away and the other two are back, and I work two days a week at my husband's business.

So, yeah, I am still alive and haven't imploded with worry. Things are fine. After some initial panic and terror and regret (all hers, not mine) and tearful calls back home, my youngest is now happy and doing well on the other side of the world. I was the one saying "no, you didn't make a mistake. You are where you need to be and you are fine. Give it time." She has been gone for two months.

Oh, I need to insert a funny story here; just to share a mom story. After my daughter landed at her destination after a gruelling 2 days of flights and layovers in foreign countries, she was messaging me in the middle of the night (her daytime) in tears saying she was nauseous and couldn't eat and was scared and having panic attacks etc. Then my other daughter who was still travelling, was on a boat in SE Asia and had bad diarrhea. She had had it for 2 days. They didn't want to pay for a cabin for the 3 day long journey so were sleeping on deck, on the floor. It was pouring rain. Now her travel companion was starting to throw up and have diarrhea as well, and "Mum, what should we do?" Then my oldest daughter was getting upset with me because I wasn't listening attentively enough to her while she cried to me about problems with her friends. I handled it though. I got this. I kept my cool, as we Mum's do, and gave each of them the attention and advice that they needed. Crises averted.

But now all is calm. For now at least. My youngest is settling down to find a job and a place to live while my other two are settling back into working life back home and thinking of their next big adventures. My youngest doesn't communicate with me as much as I'd like. But I can't ask for more. I knew she'd be like that even though she swore she wouldn't be. But she's happy and safe, and that's what matters.

So, back to me now. Letting go. That's still what it's all about. That's still my job at this point. Train them, then trust them, then let them go. Trust the universe. Trust that I've done my job right.

I had a realization this morning that I wanted to write about. I guess I had assumed that travelling as my middle daughter did, for three months in countries very different than our own, that she would come back a changed person. More worldly. More... compassionate. Full of introspection and realizations about herself and the world. But she didn't really. If anything (how do I say this in a kind way?) she came back more egocentric and more judgemental than she was before. Just a slight shift. And skyping with my youngest last night I saw the same thing in her. Maybe not the judgemental thing but definitely the egocentricity. At first I saw that negatively and was caught off guard by it, but after mulling it over I realized that it's is perfectly natural and to be expected. It is the pulling away from family; going from Us to Me. From being part of a group to being an individual. From having to take consideration of others to just having to consider oneself. It's all good. Letting go. They are, and so am I. Then reflecting more, I realized that I too must be going through the same process. Less having to consider the needs of the many and just having to consider myself, in many situations. We are all in transition. All on a journey. All trying to figure out who we are, what we like and what we want in life and our future, and then confidently saying to the world "This is who I am".

It's about giving each other space. Yes, letting go, but also keeping the channels open. Moving on and forward, but not burning bridges or slamming doors behind you.

Holes...

I hurt. 

A piece of me is gone. 

I don't like this feeling.

My body is tearing away.  Piece by piece.

Leaving holes.

That's what it feels like as my children leave.  Like a part of my physical being is gone.

What do I do now?

Part of me is elsewhere.  I am torn.

I am not a whole.  I have a hole.

I am assuming... I am told... 

Eventually the hole will heal.  It will close and heal over.  

Filling with other things.  Other people.

But all I can do for now is ache.

Go through the motions of my day.

Being reminded periodically of the absence.

The ache swells.

Swells and subsides.

The dance of parenting continues.

Holding tight and letting go.

To their rhythm.

Not mine.

Let them go.

Let them grow.

I have to.

Give up that piece of me.  Let it go.

Accept the void.  Look for ways to fill it.

Turn the hole back into a whole.

It's been a long time.

A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.

Doing the dance.

All together we were the whole.

Moving in step.

This is just another part of the dance.

Inevitable.

They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.

Ready or not.

But for now...

I ache.

Flying Away...

Wow... Another long break from writing here.  Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself.  Sorry for not writing or journaling.  I know it is good for me.  I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.

So yes... time has passed.  A brief catch-up is in order...

I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's.  They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so.  I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people.  All three of them still live at home.  As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me".  I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although  I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away.  I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.

At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months.  Deep breath.  I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out.  One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months.  I trust that they are capable and safe.  My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year!  That totally freaks me out.  She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know.  And she doesn't want my help or input with planning.  It terrifies me.  She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together.  It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip.  I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree.  I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends.  My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well.  She seems to have found balance though.

I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip.  I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her.  She is 20.  She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way.  I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay.  (There is that "letting go" again).  Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20.  He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person.  Perhaps she is too.  Maybe that's where the difference lies.

She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this.  Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't.  She needs something big of her own.

So I have to let her go.  My baby. Wipe a tear...

So all of this is preparing me for my future.  My empty nest.  I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me.  The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me.  I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff.  They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day.  All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually.  They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can.  That they don't need me.  I need to know that too.  Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.

Wow, so much to say and to talk about.  To vent.  To process.

All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband.  We have both changed so much over the years.  And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart.  I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common.  Sad, I know.  And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation.  I have no career to go back to.  Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway.  I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial.  At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself.  I don't like that feeling.

So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own.  I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together.  I hope we can.  Reconnect, that is.

Where has the time gone?  The days may be long but the years are short.  Fleeting.

A Summer of Growing...

Hey I'm back!  Sorry for the "absence".  Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way.  Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?"  

I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...

So my kids were all away for ten days in early July.  I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years!  And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude.  Essentially I was saying "I don't wanna grow up", even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.

Well, you know what happened?  I grew up!  I did... and I quite like it.  I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day.  When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not.  I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though.  I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless.  

Another thing happended while my kids were away;  My husband and I reconnected!  That surprised me.  He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times.  We talked.  We spent time together.  We had fun together.  And actually, we continue to do so.  It's like we are starting from the here and now.  Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.

My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc.  Now he has started doing the same thing!  And he is feeling much better about himself.  He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me.  And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money.  He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen.  But now they work together and are buddies.  He is getting back to being the man who I married;  Albiet a wiser version.  He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic.  I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is?  I know I certainly am not. 

While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time.  I came to enjoy the freedom.  If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly.  I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere.  I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day.  I had some tender areas for a few days after.) 

Then my kids came home.  Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do.  I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere fun and new each day.  I often just wanted to get my errands done.  Now that I have had a taste of growing up I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it.  And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what.  (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).

Yes I want to still be a great mom.  And I am.  And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what.  And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes.  But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list).  And, I want to become the best possible Me I can become.  To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being.  Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife.  

Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing.  I didn't notice it at first.  After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends.  I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave.  But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking.  Now people even approach me to chat!  It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.)  I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.

So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago.  She was away for four months.  If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long.  However we are both still alive and well. We made it.  Another step in the journey, for both of us.  She seems pretty much the same as when she left.  Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing.  Four months went by with her out of my sight.  I don't know a lot of what went on.  That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go.  But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers.  She is a good kid.  And she still is.  And she still loves me.  And I still love her.  But we are both a little bit more independent now.  I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return.  It's all for the good though. For all of us.

What Now?

I guess it's like being laid off from a job that you've had for a long time. Being "let go". Made redundant. Whether you are ready or not, it is your new reality. I suppose some would say it's more like retirement. You know it's coming. Some would say that you have "earned" it, as if it something to look forward to. And I'm sure many do! I'm sure many people have lists and lists of plans and things that they have been putting on the back burner, until they have time to themselves.

Perhaps all these years, while my girls have been growing and maturing and developing strong feathers to carry them as they fly from the nest, I was just too busy enjoying it all. As I have heard; "the days are long, but the years are short." Maybe I was supposed to be doing some growing up too.

Okay, I'm whining. Today is the first day of my premature childlessness. As I have told you, my middle daughter has moved away for the summer (and is having a marvelous time might I add. Making lots of money, working hard, learning to wake surf and sail, enjoying the company of her best friend and her boyfriend and learning from her own mistakes and successes). But today my other two girls left on a ten day trip. And I do have lists of plans and ideas. I do. And I hope to accomplish them... well some of them at least. But I am wallowing right now. The weather isn't making me feel much better though. We have been having a chilly, grey and wet summer so far. Lets face it... rain is like tears and sunshine is like smiles. and here on the west coast of Canada we get more rain than sun. What the heck am I doing here?! "Bloom where you are planted", right? Find gratitude and happiness where ever you be. Okay. I'll do that. And I do. Really I do. But the rain and grey do encourage moody, internal reflection and contemplation rather than outdoor, external type activities. Maybe that's just me though. I dunno. Excuses, excuses.

A realization I made last time I wrote (but forgot to get around to mentioning) is that I am a social person, even though I am shy and introverted. Go figure. I love having good times with other people. I love chatting and discussing and laughing and sharing. And with my girls readily available I have someone to do that with, basically 24/7. My husband is not a talker. At all. He sometimes tells me things about work, but doesn't like me asking questions or giving my opinion. He looks totally annoyed if I do and will often cut the conversation short, acting as if I have interrupted him. But if you know me at all you know that's what I do...I ask questions. I give my opinion. And no, I am not challenging him on what he is saying or picking fights or being judgemental... I am just trying to have a conversation. But over time I have learned (though I occassionally slip up) to just listen to him and either agree or keep my mouth shut. I don't mean to be complaining here. I am just trying to explain why it feels so lonely when my girls are gone. I'm not ready to be quiet yet. My husband also doesn't enjoy the things I like to do. He won't go for walks or to street festivals or art shows etc. He would never just sit on a beach, especially if it's raining. He hates the style of music that I like. And he doesn't "get" my photography or poetry. So I have stopped showing him. Lately I have been trying a new technique with my photography. I call it "Photo Art". My daughter calls it "Phart". When I showed my favourite piece to my husband he pulled his head back and said "Ew. It gives me a headache." Hmmm. I guess I am complaining. I don't like to do that, but I just want you to understand my life. I am very grateful for him though for many reasons. Perhaps I will devote another post to saying good things about him. I will post a "Phart" piece with this post. On facebook I have been getting wonderful feedback on them, and someone even asked me to blow one up for him and sell it to him!

So something I have learned is that I just have to believe in myself. Figure out who I am and what I like and what I enjoy and just go ahead and do it! Life is too short, not to enjoy it or to hold back in fear of offending someone. Spend time doing things that make you feel good. Be with people who accept you as you are. So that is how I have been living my last few years. Being me, instead of just my husband's wife. I lived like that for years. But now that my girls are stepping away... I am left trying to figure out what to do with myself (as I said in my last post). I don't think I would say that I have gone from merely being "my husband's wife" to being "my children's mother". I am definitely me. I just hang out with my girls a lot and we enjoy each others company and are a lot alike. Hmmm. It's not who I am (?) but it's how I spend my time. (I'll have to think about that).

Anyway, Just thought I'd check in here. The start of my trial period. My premature (practice) retirement. Wish me luck! (I'd love to hear from you.)

Tis the Season...

I keep trying to think of a way to say what I've been thinking about lately.  But since it's Christmas holidays and the kids are home and I am busy with all sorts of preparations, I have been unable to find the time to have my head space to myself.

I love having everyone home and getting to do stuff altogether... Even just hanging out in our jammies doing a jigsaw puzzle. That is what I love most about the Christmas season.

Lately I have been trying to work through some stuff in my head. Stuff about friends and letting go.  But I only get bits and pieces of time and headspace. I work better when I can focus in silence. I guess it can wait. Perhaps if it just bounces around in my head long enough it will somehow sort itself out.

I just wanted to put something down here so that you know I am still thinking about all this stuff, and am still on my journey.  Sorry for the confusion and neglect. All is good. Tis the season to be grateful. And I am.