What Now?

I guess it's like being laid off from a job that you've had for a long time. Being "let go". Made redundant. Whether you are ready or not, it is your new reality. I suppose some would say it's more like retirement. You know it's coming. Some would say that you have "earned" it, as if it something to look forward to. And I'm sure many do! I'm sure many people have lists and lists of plans and things that they have been putting on the back burner, until they have time to themselves.

Perhaps all these years, while my girls have been growing and maturing and developing strong feathers to carry them as they fly from the nest, I was just too busy enjoying it all. As I have heard; "the days are long, but the years are short." Maybe I was supposed to be doing some growing up too.

Okay, I'm whining. Today is the first day of my premature childlessness. As I have told you, my middle daughter has moved away for the summer (and is having a marvelous time might I add. Making lots of money, working hard, learning to wake surf and sail, enjoying the company of her best friend and her boyfriend and learning from her own mistakes and successes). But today my other two girls left on a ten day trip. And I do have lists of plans and ideas. I do. And I hope to accomplish them... well some of them at least. But I am wallowing right now. The weather isn't making me feel much better though. We have been having a chilly, grey and wet summer so far. Lets face it... rain is like tears and sunshine is like smiles. and here on the west coast of Canada we get more rain than sun. What the heck am I doing here?! "Bloom where you are planted", right? Find gratitude and happiness where ever you be. Okay. I'll do that. And I do. Really I do. But the rain and grey do encourage moody, internal reflection and contemplation rather than outdoor, external type activities. Maybe that's just me though. I dunno. Excuses, excuses.

A realization I made last time I wrote (but forgot to get around to mentioning) is that I am a social person, even though I am shy and introverted. Go figure. I love having good times with other people. I love chatting and discussing and laughing and sharing. And with my girls readily available I have someone to do that with, basically 24/7. My husband is not a talker. At all. He sometimes tells me things about work, but doesn't like me asking questions or giving my opinion. He looks totally annoyed if I do and will often cut the conversation short, acting as if I have interrupted him. But if you know me at all you know that's what I do...I ask questions. I give my opinion. And no, I am not challenging him on what he is saying or picking fights or being judgemental... I am just trying to have a conversation. But over time I have learned (though I occassionally slip up) to just listen to him and either agree or keep my mouth shut. I don't mean to be complaining here. I am just trying to explain why it feels so lonely when my girls are gone. I'm not ready to be quiet yet. My husband also doesn't enjoy the things I like to do. He won't go for walks or to street festivals or art shows etc. He would never just sit on a beach, especially if it's raining. He hates the style of music that I like. And he doesn't "get" my photography or poetry. So I have stopped showing him. Lately I have been trying a new technique with my photography. I call it "Photo Art". My daughter calls it "Phart". When I showed my favourite piece to my husband he pulled his head back and said "Ew. It gives me a headache." Hmmm. I guess I am complaining. I don't like to do that, but I just want you to understand my life. I am very grateful for him though for many reasons. Perhaps I will devote another post to saying good things about him. I will post a "Phart" piece with this post. On facebook I have been getting wonderful feedback on them, and someone even asked me to blow one up for him and sell it to him!

So something I have learned is that I just have to believe in myself. Figure out who I am and what I like and what I enjoy and just go ahead and do it! Life is too short, not to enjoy it or to hold back in fear of offending someone. Spend time doing things that make you feel good. Be with people who accept you as you are. So that is how I have been living my last few years. Being me, instead of just my husband's wife. I lived like that for years. But now that my girls are stepping away... I am left trying to figure out what to do with myself (as I said in my last post). I don't think I would say that I have gone from merely being "my husband's wife" to being "my children's mother". I am definitely me. I just hang out with my girls a lot and we enjoy each others company and are a lot alike. Hmmm. It's not who I am (?) but it's how I spend my time. (I'll have to think about that).

Anyway, Just thought I'd check in here. The start of my trial period. My premature (practice) retirement. Wish me luck! (I'd love to hear from you.)

Nesting Instinct...

    My Shadow 

When she was young

She was my shadow.

She would stay close

Hold my hand

Cling to me. 

As she grew

Time passed.

My shadow shifted

Moving from behind me

To beside me.

We would walk along

Side by side

My shadow and me. 

More time passed

She grew some more.

Taller than me now.

Faster than me.

She is now in front

Leading me

While I tag along

Behind

Reaching for her hand. 

Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here.  I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long.   'Nuff of that.

An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go.  Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids.  They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go. 

A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong.  When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be.  But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages.  When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings.  I was learning life lessons and building memories.

A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together.  I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe.  We actually have lots of fun together.  My parents were much more distant and detatched.  They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was.  And they never asked! 

So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios?  I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin.  I know what to expect.  But how do I align that with my own feelings?  I tend to be more emotional than intellectual. 

Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with.  My parents just didn't offer that.  Our relationship didn't offer that.  I had no one to ask for advice.  No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug.  I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go.  I never want children to feel alone or uncared for. 

I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old.  Then her dad died when she was 20.  She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own.  She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless.  She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one.  They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations.  So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on.  I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.

So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood.  Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage.  Aha!  I said it.  I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together.  I know, I sound pitiful.  When I got married my husband was my best friend.  Then we had kids.  Having three kids in five years was a lot of work.  It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me.  Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends.  I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself.  

Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel.  I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go.  So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am.  Me.  Anne. Who am I??  What do I enjoy?  What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future?  My dreams... not anyone elses.  What do I want?

Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown.  So far I've been good at being a mom.  So what now?  Was I hiding behind my kids?  And before that was I hiding behind my husband?  At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me.  I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.

Back to the issue of letting go of my kids...  I gotta do it.  I know I do.  It's the natural evolution of things.  I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection.  I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision...  My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands.  We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough.  They still ask my advice.  Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons.  I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint.  I support them emotionally with love.  I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (I hope I can do that) and just trust them.  They are good, smart kids.  They will be good smart adults.  I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.

Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it.  God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some interesting memories.  Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me.  There's the rub.  It's my problem... I can't make it theirs.  I also can't let it ruin our relationship.

Just let them go Anne.  In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (not only when I am ready).  It's gotta be about them.  Not about me.  It's their turn.  Time to spread their wings and soar!

I Am Thankful...

It's American Thanksgiving today.  I am Canadian and we had our Thanksgiving last month.  But regardless of the date these days remind us to be thankful and to reflect on blessings in our life. 

On Canadian Thanksgiving I was busy preparing the big family feast and creating the festive atmosphere in my home.  Today instead I find I am able to sit back and enjoy the energy of the season from a more detatched vantage point.  American Thanksgiving feels like the beginning of the full blown pre-Christmas season.  Knowing my American friends are having family gatherings and enjoying a long weekend is a vicariously warm feeling. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For lessons I have learned.  For the blessing of each new day (sorry to sound corny, but I am!). For my family and my home. For my health, and that of those I love.

Oh... I could put it this way...

 "For this day and it's light.

For rest and shelter through the night.

For health and food,

love, family and friends.

For every gift your goodness sends,

I thank you Lord.

Amen."

Ralph Waldo Emerson              

Cheerleaders...

I deserve to be happy.  Everyone says so.  Well, I have a few friends who tell me so.  I am grateful for those who say so... and even just think so.  I am grateful for my cheerleaders.  Those quiet, and not so quiet friends who cheer me on.  They help me more than they know.

 I am grateful for those who compliment my photography.  The ones who think I can do something with it.  It builds up, to help me believe it. 

I am thankful for those who cheer me on in the small every day tasks.  Last night I put on my facebook status that I was on the treadmill for the second day in a row.  I had a number of friends cheer me on.  Feels good.  I have to learn to put myself out there more.  I need to show/tell others what I am doing to give them the opportunity to show their support.  I need to realize people are on my side.  No need to be shy.

Ha ha... as I was writing the last sentence I got a notification that one more friend commented on my status. 

Thanks.