Tis the Season...

I keep trying to think of a way to say what I've been thinking about lately.  But since it's Christmas holidays and the kids are home and I am busy with all sorts of preparations, I have been unable to find the time to have my head space to myself.

I love having everyone home and getting to do stuff altogether... Even just hanging out in our jammies doing a jigsaw puzzle. That is what I love most about the Christmas season.

Lately I have been trying to work through some stuff in my head. Stuff about friends and letting go.  But I only get bits and pieces of time and headspace. I work better when I can focus in silence. I guess it can wait. Perhaps if it just bounces around in my head long enough it will somehow sort itself out.

I just wanted to put something down here so that you know I am still thinking about all this stuff, and am still on my journey.  Sorry for the confusion and neglect. All is good. Tis the season to be grateful. And I am.

Sands of Time...

 

All around us

Every day

Every moment....

Can you feel it?

Can you see it,

Taste it,

Smell it?

This world

So sensual.

So beautiful.

Even the minute details of minute things.

I close my eyes

Rest my head back...

I feel the wind caress my body

The scent of the ocean fills my nostrils.

I can hear children squealing with laughter,

Boats motor past.

Reminiscent of childhood summers lazing at the beach

with not a care in the world.

I have cares now

And worries

But I also have children.

And I will always have the beach.

I keep coming back

Just as the waves

Keep coming back to shore.

I come back with the next generation

Helping to build their memory bank,

Fill their souls

with sounds and smells that they will carry with them

Forever. 

"Would You Tell Me Please..."

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette

"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself." ~ Thomas Merton

"Everybody else has a script for your life that they want you to live.  The most important thing you can do is write your own.  People will get mad.  Do it anyways."  ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"Somewhere along the line, "nice" becomes a goal. We become embroiled in the sea of sameness as we waddle towards the central line of mediocrity." ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"The best we can do is to be the very best version of ourselves - in all our imperfect glory.  To love all of our mistakes, all of our blemishes, and all of our fears.  They are the very things that propel us forward and keep it interesting.  After all, there is no one else exactly like me." ~ Ingrid Mathieu

 "What is within you crying out to be birthed into the world right now? What talent do you have that is ready to be used? What project have you been endlessly thinking about that is ready to be birthed into physical reality? And what dreams do you have for this precious planet?" ~ GWYTK

Hmmm... interesting. Reading over the quotes that I have been collecting over the last week or so, once again, a common thread, or theme was evident.  A message I need to hear I guess. Above are some of those quotes.  Oh, and here's one more that ties in...

 "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Positivity Blog

My background in psychology wants me to figure out why I have always had low self esteem.  And why I am shy. But I suppose that the past doesn't matter, right?  It's what I do today that matters.  And today, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me that I am ok as I am.  I am a worthy and interesting individual.  Period. 

 A few days ago I was on facebook and an old high school friend popped up to chat with me.  Well, I can hardly call him a friend because he was more of a crush that I had, and being the shy teenager that I was I barely even ever spoke with him. In the course of our conversation he said something about me always being clever.  He also said that he wished that he had walked home from school with me, but he was too shy back then.  I never even knew he noticed me, let alone thought I was clever or had considered walking with me!  And I was always clever?  Since when?  I never knew I spoke enough to give that impression.  Interesting.  Okay... the psychologist in me is saying that when I was in high school I was living at home with my family, and I never felt like I measured up with them.  I didn't see myself as clever... but perhaps I was!  and perhaps it was evident to others.  (Oh man... this stream of consciousness rambling is leading me on tangents left and right...anyway... carry on...) Not sure why I brought this up... I'm sure there is a reason. It does tie in the first quote above. And also with the idea of the consistent core self.

 At  a number of points in my life I have had the urge to step outside of myself to see how I appear to others.  To just know the "truth".  Am I attractive or not?  Am I smart or not?  Am I fat or not?  Someone please tell me!  But now I am seeing that...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (William Shakespeare).

Getting back to the quotes above....  I am beginning to realize that I am a person that I like.  I like who I am.  The basics.  The core me. And I like that I don't just try to be like everyone else and that I don't worry about ticking people off by sticking to my own principles. But, so okay... what now?  As the last quote asks, what dreams do I have for my future? What part of me do I want to develop further?  What are my hidden desires and life goals?  That's where I draw a blank.  My inner psychologist wonders if it's from being a middle child and being bossed around by my older and more dazzling siblings, that I can't come up with any dreams of my own. Now my analytical self is telling me to stick with the present...stay in the here and now (fighting with myself again... ugh). 

Back when I was in university and was trying to figure out what to do with my life my dad sent me a quote by mail (Ah, that's where I get my love of quotes from...).  It was from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland...

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

So I suppose my next step is to figure out what I want.  I just found out that who I want to be is who I already am.  It only took me 47 years to figure that one out!

So I'll take small steps... I know I want to be healthy and happy... I know I want money... I know I want to travel...  I know I enjoy photography... I know I have a passion to write...

For me a big thing is confidence and squashing my fears.  Believing in myself.  Knowing I can do it.  Another step to take I suppose.  Onward and upward.

I Am Thankful...

It's American Thanksgiving today.  I am Canadian and we had our Thanksgiving last month.  But regardless of the date these days remind us to be thankful and to reflect on blessings in our life. 

On Canadian Thanksgiving I was busy preparing the big family feast and creating the festive atmosphere in my home.  Today instead I find I am able to sit back and enjoy the energy of the season from a more detatched vantage point.  American Thanksgiving feels like the beginning of the full blown pre-Christmas season.  Knowing my American friends are having family gatherings and enjoying a long weekend is a vicariously warm feeling. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For lessons I have learned.  For the blessing of each new day (sorry to sound corny, but I am!). For my family and my home. For my health, and that of those I love.

Oh... I could put it this way...

 "For this day and it's light.

For rest and shelter through the night.

For health and food,

love, family and friends.

For every gift your goodness sends,

I thank you Lord.

Amen."

Ralph Waldo Emerson              

I Need Constant Reminders...

 I put quotes here in my blog that resonate with me personally.  I find I often need reminders and boosts and kicks in the butt.  I am on a journey... and this blog documents my ongoing struggle with learning new  thought processes and methods of living my daily life.  It ain't all that easy to teach old dogs new tricks.  I like what I read online the other day in The Positivity Blog; "It's not about life being perfect or positive or awesome all the time. That is just perfectionism rearing its ugly head. It is about replacing unhelpful habits with better ones. It is about raising the percentages of times where you can handle things in a better way both in your everyday life and when big things happen. But there are still natural valleys and peaks in life. And a bad day will sometimes just be a bad day. And that is OK. That’s life."

 I found I was avoiding writing here when I was feeling down or negative. But I have to remind myself, the focus of this blog is not only optimism and sharing of knowledge... it is my journey.  My journal.  My cognitive internal ramblings.  My struggle, along with my true desire to be a better and happier me.

•  "Of all the gifts you can give a friend, the truthful sharing of who you are, and where you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is the most beautiful and valuable gift of all. It’s this honest sharing that serves as the thread that sews a friendship into the warm quilt it can be, to wrap around you when life feels cold and unforgiving." ~ by Sandra Kring

• "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~ Bob Moawad 

• "You can TURN OFF the sun but I'm still gonna SHINE." ~ PO

• "I CHOOSE...to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes, not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others." ~ PO

• "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson

• "It's not who you are that holds you back. It is who you think you are not." ~ PO

• "Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are." ~ PO

• "Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." ~ Frank A. Clark

• "Don't sweat someone else getting a gold... go for your own!" ~ TS

• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~ Mark Twain

• "What vibe are you giving off?" ~TS

• "Your job is you and only you. When you are working in harmony with the law, no-one can come between you and the Universe. However if you think another person can get in the way of what you want, then you have done a flip to the negative. Focus on creating what you want." ~ TS

• "You are the center of divine operation in your life, and your partner is the Universe. No one can get in the way of your creation." ~ TS

• "Stop feeding whatever's bugging you and it will fly away." ~PO

• "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." ~ Dr Martin Luther King Jr

• "On days when you feel like a motherless child, go outside. Feel the wind stroke your hair like a good mother should, and let the sun kiss your cheeks and warm you. Then sit on the ground as if it were her lap, and tell your troubles to the good Mother Earth who feeds you." ~ Sandra Kring

• "Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us." ~ Earl Nightingale

• "I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ by Diane Ackerman

• "Good thoughts and actions always produce good results, sometimes in unusual ways. Just focus on doing what you can, and leave the results up to God." ~PO

• "Your pain and sorrow can in retrospect be a gift. Your sorrow expands the spectrum of human experience, understanding and emotions for you. You become more grateful because of your sorrow. The sorrow carves deeper. And the deeper it carves, the more joy you will also be able to contain. The sad times make the happy times even sweeter." ~ The Positivity  

• "When I have a pessimistic mood or low energy or no motivation or all of them then that can help me to think in new ways about things. My lowest days often turn out to be some of my most creative days.  The bad day may not feel good, but I know that it often will bring me positive things." ~ The Positivity Blog

Ages and Stages...

Even though I have said that at this stage in my life I am reaching out to others and trying to make social connections, it is also a time for internal reflection.  Being me, I seem to be focussing more on the internal reflection part, than the reaching out part.  It's all a process right?  Baby steps, as I have said before.  Actually, now that I really think about it I have been a bit more socially engaged... or at least more socially open than I have been in the past.  Huh.  Good to realize.

That is why it's a good idea to write down a list of one's goals.  Then, at a later point... or even when you are feeling like you are making no progress, you can go back and re-read your list and see that in fact you most likely have made progress.  Even if just baby step.  It reminds me of the idea that I heard years ago about keeping a "prayer journal".  I was part of a "home group" set up by my church for small groupings of people to get together weekly to experience a more personal and interactive experience.  At the close of each meeting we would share our prayer requests, with the idea that we would pray for each other.  I kept a prayer journal for the group, and after a few months went back and found that indeed, most of our prayers were answered in one way or another, at least to some degree.

Anyway to get back on track to what I initially meant to write about... (see how I ramble?  But this is what I meant this writing experience to be about for me... my wandering thoughts. See how I also argue with myself a lot?... ugh)

Anyway, even though I have found myself turning inward to reflection, I realize that I am still "teaching" my girls.  Even though they are teens and young adults, and don't need me in the same way they used to, they still watch and learn from their mother.  But it is different than how they used to view me and my ways... instead of just seeing their mum and seeing me as an authority figure who is all knowing and perfect, they now think for themselves and may or may not agree with my opinions and ways.  Along with their own thought processes, they have friends, teachers, professors, and even Youtube stars helping them analyse the world around them.  I've noticed that they see Youtube stars as almost friends.  That is kinda scary. They can (and do) interact with these stars through adding comments, "friending" them on Facebook and "chatting" when they do livestream stuff. They watch these people going through their daily lives and speaking directly to the camera (read: the viewer) often about personal and/or big matters.  Values, opinions, how to act, what family life is supposed to be like, how to manage your finances, etc.  I trust my girls, and I know they watch youtubers with good values for the most part. They have gravitated towards the youtubers with similar values to ours... humour, family, fun, creativity, appreciation of the small things, health...  But still...

I mean I know that friends and tv etc have always been a huge influences on kids' lives... but now... I guess it's my kids' age and their maturity level that make them open their eyes to my faults.  I dunno what I'm trying to say here...  writing it out, I see it's a good thing.  It's awesome.  I guess my point is that I can't take their respect for granted anymore.  It's got nothing to do with Youtube.  They are emerging young women on the awesome progression towards being independent adults. 

I am grateful for my three beautiful, intelligent, awesome daughters.  I am grateful for their emerging independence.  I am grateful that I can be a part of it.  I am grateful that they respect me and my opinions and truly like me (and I, them).  Actually, I am grateful that they do have these other influences in their lives.  I know I haven't done everything right and that my opinions aren't always the healthiest.  They are taking in all the information around them and digesting it... helping them to formulate their own opinions and ways. 

So, I have come to realize that all this stuff about working on myself and my attitudes etc is also about helping form my daughters' attitudes, dreams and sense of power.  I may have been feeling like it's a time to step aside and let them go, but... they are still here, watching and asking my opinions.  I may have faults, and they may see them more clearly now... but they can also see that I am trying to change... and we can now discuss these new opinions, values and ways logically and critically together.  How awesome is that?!

I Am...

A friend tells me that, when put together, those are the two most powerful words in the english language.  "I am".  When following the principles of "The Secret" it makes total sense. By stating what indeed "I am", I am setting my limits and predetermining my destiny. On a subconscious level I am stating a perceived account, or fact as it were, about myself. 

It's funny, I have always been a big skeptic, but... just say to yourself "I am tired".  Now how do you feel?  Tired, I bet.  Now say "I am happy".  Don't you feel better now?  Weird how it works, but who are we to try to understand the intricacies of the human psyche? 

We can use "I am" statements to kick ourselves in the butt.  Even if you don't feel a certain way, doing this can steer you in a chosen direction.  We can choose our mood, our thoughts and supposedly, our destiny.

• I am happy
• I am a good person
• I am likeable
• I am a great mom
• I am going to contribute financially to my household this year
• I am a good photographer
• I am intelligent

When I am feeling a little insecure or not quite as "up" as I'd like to be I have a harder time saying positive things about myself. When that happens I try really hard not to say negative  "I am" statements. To not put myself down.  Not limit myself. I try to at least say some positive ones... even the most basic ones... like "I am grateful for my kids".

That is one reason keeping a gratitude journal is so helpful in shaping my view.  I just take a few moments at the end of each day to jot down three things that I was grateful for that day.  Even on "bad days" I can always come up with something... I may just have to think a little harder.  "I am grateful that it didn't rain today".  "I am grateful for my cozy sweater".  "I am grateful my kids are healthy".  See how easy it is? 

It isn't necessary to do big "I am" statements.  You don't have to jump directly to "I am going to be a millionaire by the time I am 50" or "I am gorgeous".  You can take baby steps.  Start small.  "I am going to contribute financially"  and "I have pretty eyes".  The Universe knows me.  I can go at my own pace.  With my own style. 

It's funny, since I have started trying to incorporate this stuff into my thinking I found I was having times of... well... a blank mind.  I'd just find myself not thinking about anything.  It's not happening so much anymore but I noticed it a few weeks ago.  I realized after a few days that it was occurring because I was so used to thinking negative things.  Dwelling on negativity. Stewing in it.   Now that I had told myself not to do that anymore, there were empty spaces where those thoughts used to reside.  I laughed when I realized what was happening.

The Bigger Picture...

I feel that there is a thought, or a feeling... or a revelation brewing within my mind... but I need to just sit down and have a moment here to sort it out.  Other things always seem to come first...the busyness of our days. Even though I have pared down my life and keep it pretty simple I still seem to be busy with stuff. The everlasting to-do list. The bottomless list. As a stay-at-home mum other people add to my list too. It is my job after all. So here are a few thoughts, in a few minutes, between... stuff.

As part of this recent journey that I am on I am trying to listen more to inner voices, as well as outer voices whom I would have previously brushed aside. One thing that's been niggling at me led to this need to sort through my thoughts. Just this morning I came to realize that over the last week or so a number of the inspirational emails and apps that I subscribe to, along with some other emails and messages I have received are all coming together to bring me a message.

From my Daily Teachings from The Secret I was told that "Many of us were taught to put ourselves last, and as a consequence we attracted feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. You must change that thinking."  And last night I read an email regarding raising teenagers which stated that teenagers become selfish unless they are encouraged to do more things for themselves. So here I am giving myself a moment today to work on myself.

One quote I read yesterday confirmed nicely what I wrote here in my last blog entry;  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Another; "It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you." (MFG)

That got me thinking... what/who am I hiding from? And why? Why don't I want to be "seen"?

It's crazy... I was watching a dumb show the other day... Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. (disclaimer: The only reason I started watching it is because I went to school with Tracy, who is often on the show.) Garbage one would think, but some good stuff is dealt with in that show. In the episode I watched Gene was going through a pre-marriage bootcamp. One thing the counsellors honed in on was his relationships with his mother and his deceased father. He adored his mother and resented his father. The counsellors made him go through the exercise of forgiving his father. Not for the father's sake but for Gene's sake... and also for his fiance's sake. He had to let go of his anger. We also saw that Gene's attitude towards women was based on how he saw his mother. He put her on a pedestal, as he subsequently does with his fiance. And he sees himself as the bad, hurtful jerk that his dad was. Interesting. It made me realize that I tend to get along with men better than with women because I got along better with my dad. I also have been unable to love myself because I was unloved by my mum and she, I am assuming, doesn't love herself. After the show I thought about this and I quietly, in my own mind (but now I realize, to the Universe) forgave my mum. Since then (I realize now) I have accepted myself more. I am a good person. I am worthy. I deserve to be loved. And I am a likeable person too. I'm kinda neat (cool neat that is, not tidy neat).

So my point is, that since I am finding I like myself more now, I am feeling less of a need to hide. Why not show my true self to the world? Making this blog a public blog was a big step for me. I haven't gone so far as to tell anyone that I know about it... and I'm sure no one other than me has read it... but I'm still showing more of myself than I would have in the past.

The sermon series at church over the last few weeks can be summed up with the message that we don't have to earn God's love, we have it already. And that we don't have to behave perfectly and follow all the right rules, we just have to trust that God is on our side and is leading us somewhere good. Just trust God. Trust the Universe. It's on our side. Even if my mum wasn't on my side, God is. The whole freaking universe is on my side! I can forgive my mum, realize she did the best she could and move on, with the universe holding me up.

I'm sure there's more to this thought branch than I was able to clarify, but I'm glad I got some of it down on paper (well... keyboard).

It's My Time to Shine...

Over the last few years, as my kids have gotten older and taken less of my time and energy, I have started to reach out to others to build a support network.

I have always been a bit shy and stayed in my coccoon with my kids, but now I am lifting my head and realizing I would like more connections. Friends. I know saying I am shy is a limiting statement, but I am now saying I no longer want to be shy. I want to push out of that comfort zone. I want to let others into my life. I want new experiences and new connections. I want friends.

Most of these new friends have been online. I am a bit embarrassed to say this. But it is a start. And it opened my eyes to how rewarding it can feel to have friends. I have always been a bit of a loner. But I am at a place now where I would like more friends.

Through meeting and chatting with these friends I saw myself in a new light. I was seen as Anne instead of just a mom. One friend often would remind me to talk about myself, and not just about my kids. I am a separate entity. I am me. I was also informed that I am intelligent, interesting, insightful, witty and attractive. Who new?!! I sure didn't. But through hearing it from outsiders, over time, I began to absorb some of it. What a great feeling. It gave me confidence. Made me feel better about myself. Made me realize that I had more to offer than I had previously believed. I, Anne, am a likeable and worthwhile person.

I have had a couple of quotes floating around in my head for the last few days, that I knew I wanted to write down here. A few of the many, many things that my new found friends have encouraged me with. The one that has been resounding the loudest lately is;

• "Do something today that will make you shine." I love that one. (It shows up in photographs too.)


• "Get up and dance right now!"


• "Life is Good". I know that is an age old one but one friend keeps telling it to me and telling it to me. He has been a great source of wisdom and strength.


• "Anne, you rock and you know it! Stop being a pussy, stand up and say what you've got to say. I believe."

I know there a more, but those are the ones I have had swirling around in my head lately. It is great when I can hang onto friends like that. Carry the imprint of their hand on my life. Still feeling their support and love. No matter where they are.

My... List...

Ok, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do this... Do I call it a dream list? Or a wish list? Or my goals? Or do I just say "this is what's going to happen to me/with my life"? Or say "this is the way things are"? (which they aren't... but I know I'm supposed to act as if they are.) And am I allowed to "wish" things for other people? Life Optimizer tells me I should say "I deserve or I desire".

So here are some of the things that I desire and that I deserve. This is my ... list:

•have enough money to be able to live the lifestyle I want
•all five of us are happy
•own our own house
•have all our debts paid off
•have two reliable vehicles
•be healthy
•my kids and husband be healthy
•have energy
•be able to tithe (I know... I should anyway)
•be able to afford to go away on vacations
•be able to afford to go away for weekend get-aways
•have a good relationship with my husband
•enjoy spending time with my husband
•my husband enjoy spending time, and talking with me
•my kids have good friends
•my kids meet and marry good men someday
•be 117 lbs
•be able to go running and bike riding and play tennis with ease
•make money with my photography
•buy a really good camera, a good tripod and a zoom lens
•Megan to do well in school and with her learning
•have a flexible and painfree body
•have some friends
•have my diabetes in good control
•be friendly
•be really good at photography
•my girls have great lives and to do well in whatever they put their minds to
•my girls, my husband and me to be happy
•to be confident
•my husband to find and stick with and excel at a business he really enjoys
•pay for my kids' post secondary education
•give my kids some money
•spending time with my grandkids, when I have some
•getting out and meeting people
•all five of us have good laptop computers
•I have the most recent iPhone

Money and health. Those are the big ones. I guess they are for most people.

I can feel what it would be like to have "enough" money. Oh, it feels good. A big relief. A sense of peace. It is nice to be able to shop, and buy, and treat and go whenever I want. Oh that feels good. I can see sunshine and me smiling. Wearing new clothes. Buying stuff for my kids. My husband looking at me as we sit and chat. Seeing the lightness in his face and his smile. Knowing we can go on a trip if and when we want. Going on trips with my family and taking great pictures. Feeling lots of energy and agility and enthusiasm. Welcoming people to our home. Going out for lunch with my sisters or friends. Wow, all that feels so good.

I don't know the specifics of how this is all going to happen, but I understand that I don't need to know that part. Only that it is going to happen. Yay!

I also am unclear about what our house will look like etc. Hmmm...

•about 3000 to 3500 sq ft.
•4 spacious bedrooms with ensuites, on upper floor
•a family room
•big open kitchen with a big island
•lots and lots of windows and light
•good air flow
•a dining room
•an exercise room/ photo studio with good lighting, natural light, a good stereo and tv
•cable tv
•nicely landscaped
•fruit trees and bushes
•private back yard
•a nice deck
•open concept living areas
•a den for my husband
•a den for me where I keep my photo stuff, my desk, my files, my books but I have a laptop so I can work in there or on the kitchen island or whereever I want
•an attached double garage
•behind the garage is another heated area, just as big, as a workshop/ storage area for Ron - with garage doors separating it from the garage - so can back truck up to load up
•a games room with Wii, ping pong, pool table, good stereo, big screen tv

... I guess I wasn't unsure about it at all. Ha. I know what I want and what I like.

Inspiration Leads to Action...

Every morning I read a handful of blogs and newsfeeds. It takes a couple of hours to get through them all and it sometimes feels like a chore, but I always get something positive out of them. This morning I added five new blogs to my reading list. They are inspirational blogs. They look really good. Funny how they showed up just when I'm looking for that sort of thing.

Here is a quote that I liked from one of them...

"Thinking is great. But action makes things happen. One of the biggest differences with people that successfully grow, expand themselves, and reach their goals, is that they consistently take action. Action takes energy though, so where does that energy come from? It comes from within. Inspiration is a powerful force, and inspired action is one of the most powerful ways to motivate yourself. It beats “carrots and sticks.” Carrots and sticks are usually external forms of motivation. Instead, if you inspire yourself, you light your fire from the inside out." (Life Optimizer)

"By having a compelling vision, you have something to shoot for. Now instead of having to “push” yourself to something, you will literally be “pulled” by it. Like a magnet. The more compelling the vision, the stronger the “pull” will be." (LO)

Another good tip is to connect your action to one of your values. For example, I value family. So if I'm having a hard time committing to starting an exercise program, I could think of it as a way to stay healthy for my children, and my future grandchildren.

Ok, I don't want this to turn into me just reading stuff, then spouting it off here. I want it to be about me. My journey. And that's what it still is, I suppose. I am at the learning stage. I am collecting info and thinking about it.

As long as this inspiration leads to action! I can't get stuck in "analysis paralysis". Even just baby steps... as long as they are forward.

More Reminders...

- "Never let a day pass without looking for the good, feeling the good within you, praising, appreciating, blessing, and being grateful. Make it your life commitment, and you will stand in utter awe of what happens in your life." (TS)

- "Faith is trusting in the good. Fear is putting your trust in the bad." (TS)

- "Here is a checklist to make sure you have your receiving channels open: "Do you receive compliments well? Do you receive unexpected gifts easily? Do you accept help when it is offered? Do you accept your meal being paid for by a friend? These are little things, but they will help you know if you are open to receiving. Remember, the Universe is moving through everyone and every circumstance to give to you."(TS)

- "When you are at your weakest, God is strong. When you are down, God can lift you up. When all seems lost, God will help you win. Strength is available when you need it. Believe it, embrace it and rely on it." (GWYTK)

- "All you have to do is trust Jesus." (Rik Watts)

- "The fastest way to receive is to give, because giving starts the reciprocal action of receiving. We all receive according to how much we give. Give the best of you everywhere you go. Give a smile. Give thanks. Give kindness. Give love. Your giving should be a giving without expectation of return - a giving for the sheer joy of it." (TS)

- "Whatever you want to bring into your life, you must GIVE it. Do you want love? Then give it. Do you want appreciation? Then give it. Do you want understanding? Then give it. Do you want joy and happiness? Then give it to others. You have the ability to give so much love, appreciation, understanding, and happiness to so many people every single day!" (TS)

- "There is no past or future for the law of attraction, only the present, so stop referring to your life in the past as very difficult, or full of hardship and pain, or in any other negative way. Remember that the law only operates in the present, so when you speak of your past life negatively the law is receiving your words and sending those things back to you NOW." (TS)

- "You can limit yourself by the story you have created about you. Here are some simple examples of how the story we have created about ourselves can limit us: I am no good at math. I have never been able to dance. I am not a very good writer. I am very stubborn. I don't sleep well. I am very moody. I struggle with my weight. My English is not good. I am always late. I am not a very good driver. I can't see without my glasses. It is hard for me to make friends. Money seems to slip through my fingers. The moment you become aware of what you are saying, you can delete these things and rewrite your story!" (TS)

- "You will know when you have really found true gratitude, because you will become a giver. One who is truly grateful cannot be anything else." (TS)

-" When things change in our life, often we have resistance to the change. But if you understand the structure of the Universe, life, and creation, then you will understand that life is change, and nothing ever stands still. Everything is energy, and energy is in continual motion and change. If energy stood still you would be gone, and there would be no life. Change is always happening for the good of you and for everyone. It is the evolution of life." (TS)

-" When a big change occurs in your life it forces you to change direction. Sometimes the new path may not be easy, but you can be absolutely certain that there is magnificence for you on the new path. You can be absolutely certain that the new path contains things that you could not have experienced otherwise. When we look back at a negative event that occurred in the past, we often see how in fact it transformed our life." (TS)

-" Every human being on the planet wants to be happy. Anything that anyone desires is because they think their desire will make them happy. Whether it is health, money, a loving relationship, material things, accomplishments, a job, or anything at all, the desire for happiness is the bottom line of all of them. But remember that happiness is a state inside of us, and something on the outside can only bring fleeting happiness, because material things are impermanent. Permanent happiness comes from you choosing to be permanently happy. When you choose happiness, then you attract all the happy things as well. The happy things are the icing on the cake, but the cake is happiness." (TS)

-" The Universe is completely and utterly in love with you. No matter how many mistakes you make, no matter where you are in your life, no matter what you think of you, the Universe loves you for all eternity." (TS)

-" You are an electromagnetic being emitting a frequency. Only those things that are on the same frequency as the one you are emitting can come into your experience. Every single person, event, and circumstance in your day is telling you what frequency you are on. If your day is not going well, stop and deliberately change your frequency. If your day is going swimmingly, keep doing what you are doing." (TS)

-" You bring everything to you through the power of your imagination. The power of imagination is not something you have to acquire; you have it already! You think in images, and you use imagination or imaging every single day of your life. When you think about the past you are imagining. When you think about the future you are imagining. And as you imagine and concentrate on anything with feeling, you are bringing it to you. Walk like that now. Talk like that now. Act like that now. Feel the same as that, now. Become as happy as that person, now. Be that person, now! When you become the person in your imagined picture you have shifted yourself to the frequency of your desire, and it must and will appear. Your imagination is showing you precisely the person you need to become." (TS)

-" You can most certainly help others through your thoughts, and they can help you. Every good thought you send to another is a living force. However, the person you are sending the thought to has to be asking for the same thing you are sending. If the person does not want it, then they are not in harmony with your thought frequency, and it will not penetrate them. You cannot create in another's life against their will, but if it is something they want, your thoughts are a real force that helps them." (TS)

-" To help you have the true perspective of creation, no matter how big your desire may seem to you, think of it as the size of a dot! You may want a house, car, vacation, money, the perfect partner, your dream job or children. You may want to receive full health in your body. It doesn't matter what it is you want, think of it as the size of a dot, because for the force of the Universe, what you want is smaller than a dot! If you find your faith wavering, just put a dot in the center of a large circle and next to the dot write the name of your desire. As often as you like, look at your drawing of your dot in the circle, knowing your desire is the size of that dot for the force of the universe!" (TS)

-" Whether you know it or not, today you are placing an order for your tomorrows from the catalogue of the Universe. Your predominant thoughts and feelings today are creating a frequency that is automatically determining your life tomorrow. Feel good now and for the rest of the day, and make your tomorrows magnificent." (TS)

-" Any words you speak have a frequency, and the moment you speak them they are released into the Universe. The law of attraction responds to all frequencies, and so it is also responding to the words that you speak. When you use very strong words, such as "terrible", "shocking" and "horrible" to describe any situation in your life, you are sending out an equally strong frequency, and the law of attraction must respond by bringing that frequency back to you. The law is impersonal, and simply matches your frequency. Do you see how important it is for you to speak strongly about what you want, and not to use strong words about what you don't want?" (TS)

-" Your pain and misery does not help the world. But your joy and your life lived fully uplifts the world." (TS)

-" Money doesn't bring happiness - but happiness brings money." (TS)

-"Recording three things that you’re grateful for each night for a week, researchers found, increased happiness for at least six months afterwards." (Life Optimizer)

Today is a Good Day!

Today I became a "Professional Photographer"!  Well... kinda.  I got paid for one of my photos!  Kinda.  I mean I have sold some work before, and made money for charity with my photos, but today I finally sold a camera that I had won in a photography contest!  The camera was the prize but I sold it on CL for $300!!  Pretty close to the retail price of it!  I am pretty happy about that.  It's a start.

Also today I got it in my mind that I was going to invite my sisters and their families over for a bonfire/dinner tonight so I cleaned my house and tidied my yard all up.  They can't make it, but that's beside the point.  I cleaned and tidied!  That's a big deal for me.  I was able to do this because my kids are out, being entertained elsewhere.  Usually we go off on adventures together on Saturdays. 

It's also sunny today!  And I have exercised for the last three nights!  Sorry for all the exclamation marks.... just feeling good about these steps.  As one of the previously mentioned quotes says... each day only comes once; try to leave something good in it's place.  Or something like that.  It's a good one.

Oh I read another good quote today... "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need.  To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be".  I was wondering about that... if some of the people that have been in my life were given to me by God... or just a mistake of my own making.  I know I wouldn't be the same person that I am today without them.  And I know that I am a better person for having had them in my life.  Regardless of the hurt.  They seemed like a mistake... but maybe it was God's doing?  Maybe I wasn't straying from his path at all.  Maybe it is the path that I was supposed to take.  Interesting.  Makes me feel better.

Cheerleaders...

I deserve to be happy.  Everyone says so.  Well, I have a few friends who tell me so.  I am grateful for those who say so... and even just think so.  I am grateful for my cheerleaders.  Those quiet, and not so quiet friends who cheer me on.  They help me more than they know.

 I am grateful for those who compliment my photography.  The ones who think I can do something with it.  It builds up, to help me believe it. 

I am thankful for those who cheer me on in the small every day tasks.  Last night I put on my facebook status that I was on the treadmill for the second day in a row.  I had a number of friends cheer me on.  Feels good.  I have to learn to put myself out there more.  I need to show/tell others what I am doing to give them the opportunity to show their support.  I need to realize people are on my side.  No need to be shy.

Ha ha... as I was writing the last sentence I got a notification that one more friend commented on my status. 

Thanks.

What are you so afraid of?

I realize I am a fearful person.  Afraid of what others think, afraid of failure, afraid of losing control, afraid of strong emotion, afraid of confrontation.  It has held me back a lot in my life.  All of these fears.

I am diabetic, so my fears of being somewhere and running into blood sugar issues is a legitimate concern, but also one that can be dealt with with good preplanning.  I know my body pretty well.  Things can happen unexpectedly but I should be able to cover those, again, with preplanning.

Ok... so who cares what others think?  Really I don't, now that I think about it.  And no one else really cares if I fail at something.  Is that fear really a good reason to avoid even starting in the first place?  The next three previously mentioned fears probably are a result of past experiences but they have led to the point of me avoiding many situations or resolving issues that really should be faced.  Not really serving my best interest. Hmmm.... thinking about it I am afraid of confrontation in certain areas of my life because I know they would lead to anxiety.

I guess that's a big thing for me.  I'm scared of feeling anxious.  I just want to be happy.  So I have simplified my life and my interactions to avoid anxiety. To the point that my life is very limited and predictable.  I'm no kook... I just am not living my life to the extent that I, and those around me deserve.  Ok... I am also afraid of change.  Confrontation and openness would lead to change most likely.  I'd have to step out of my comfort zone.  My little coccoon.  My box. Hmmm...

How does this relate to gratitude?  Hmmm... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I want to feel more control in my life.  I have heard that one can determine how their life goes... they can think it into existence.  I have always blown that off as being... umm... dishonest?  Ungenuine?  Not facing the truth or the facts in front of you and living a dellusional smiley fluffy headed existence.  But ya know... what if it works?  They say it does.  In a way it's what I've already been doing by avoiding looking at the painful parts of my life.  Is it the same thing?  Or is it different? 

Am I aiming for happiness over truth?  Is that what everyone is doing?  Is that what we should be doing?  Or is that what has led to the economical state of the world today?

I get a giddy feeling every once in a while that if I focus on the happy stuff and the stuff I am grateful for ... then I will feel good... and that leads to energy and confidence... and that leads to action... which leads to results!  So if we (read: I) control our thoughts that will in hand control our emotions... and the rest will just follow.  Oh I hope so.  And I hope I can not get hit by a bad day (grey, or hormonal, or from something external happening, or from not feeling well, etc) and give it all up.

I have always believed that if one has an emotion they should just experience it... let it happen and it will pass when it is over.  I remember having a discussion about this with a man about 15 years ago... before all this power of positive thinking stuff had gone mainstream.  He said that no, you shouldn't dwell on your feelings, you should push past them, supress them and get on with it.  Maybe he was onto something. 

I know that since starting this blog/journal I have been feeling better.  I am not as judgemental or negative (not perfect of course, but I hope to improve).  I keep feeling like I need to say "so I hope all those other feelings don't come back and I don't just slip back"... but isn't this about taking control?!  I should not (read: am not) going to let that happen.

So... here I stand (sit really) grateful for where, and who I am today.  Recently I decided that I do like myself.  And that I'm not a bad person.  I've just let myself slip and fade away. 

No more.  I am me.  I am good.  I am nice.  I am healthy.  I have a good life.  I have great kids.  God made me the way I am way for a reason.  He made me a perfect me... with the world and life spread out in front of me for me to experience and enjoy.  Exciting stuff, huh?!  It is!  All the possibilities! I was going to say "where is life going to lead me?"  But I guess the real question is where shall I lead my life? 

I have never been good at making decisions... or knowing what I want I guess.  I'm sure again, that is tied to my past, but the cause is not the issue.  That's over and done with.  I have the power to choose now.  Hmmm... mind boggling.  No it's not!  That is defeatist attitude... saying my mind can't handle it.  It all starts with baby steps.  Small decisions...I don't have to make the big decisions now.  Focus on the now... on the good stuff in the now.  "Bloom where you are planted" as the fridge magnet my daughter made me 10 or so years ago says.  The past is over and unchangeable, the future is unknown but the here and now is the "present"!  It's the only thing any of us can work with.

So as you can see I tend to blab on and on.  But writing things down like this helps me.  It helps me to lay my thoughts out on the table, as it were.  Clears the cobwebs.  I suppose it also is a way to hold myself accountable. 

I have no idea if anyone else is reading this.  If you are, I hope my ramblings help you in some way, or at least make you think.  I know they are helping me.  If you have any input or feedback I'd love to hear from you.

Let's Start With The Obvious...

Things I'm grateful for:

My kids
My health
My eyesight
My mind
My husband
A roof over my head
Food on the table
God
Music
My parents and siblings
My past
People who love me
People who loved me in the past
Doctors who have helped me
Wine
The internet
Laughter
Nature
Trees
Sunshine
My photography eye
My photography skills
The sound of rain
My kid's love for me

Me

A Few Reminders...

Here are some quotes that I have read over the last little while that resonated with me personally. I'm sorry that I don't have them referenced... I was just collecting them for myself at first. If need be I could probably find the source. Let me know if you want them.

• Today is a whole day for you to do good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a whole day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in its place will be something that you had left behind... let it be something good.

• You can mouth the words of a prayer all day long and just waste your time, unless you also speak with your heart. And to speak with your heart means to embody first. If you pray for love, be loving. If you pray for wealth, be generous. If you pray for health, practice health yourself.

• You have so many gifts! - use them. God has given you so many gifts to sow love and to give hope, to shine light and to spread joy. Abundant gifts. Use them. Give to yourself and give to others. There is an endless spring where they come from.

• You feel pleasure when you want something and you get it. Or when you don't want something and you remove it. Pleasure is always relative. Happiness is absolute. Happiness is the understanding and acceptance of life as it is in this very moment as completely perfect, because every creation of God is perfect. The degree to which you do not accept life in all of the Divine forms is the degree to which you suffer.

• When people tell you nice things, stop shrugging them off as if they are nothing. The sincere compliments you receive are your jewels, - collect them in your heart, - they highlight the beauty of your being and empower you during challenging times. Never say 'oh, it's nothing' or shrug your shoulders when you hear a sincere compliment. Pause, breathe it in, and really feel its meaning.

• When we are quiet, we can hear God's messages to us. Sometimes these messages may be in the form of subtle intuition. Sometimes it may feel like an inner knowing. Sometimes we may hear a 'still, small voice.' If it feels right in your heart, trust that it is God speaking to you.

• When you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you will have more opportunities.

• This world was made for you too. Enjoy it, explore it, experience it. Don't hold back. It is God's gift to you. Don't be a wallflower in the dance of life.

• Fear won't get you where you want to go. It's not easy to head off into uncharted waters, but every journey starts with a first step. Fear will keep you from taking that first step, from untying the boat from the dock. Fear will also keep you from making new discoveries. Don't let fear keep you tied up, set sail and see what God has planned for you.

• You were created to be alive. You weren't made to simply survive until you die. Live it up, embrace life. This entire planet exists for all God's creatures, - and that includes you. Don't wait to start living, begin right now, with your very next breath. There are many wonderful experiences waiting for you, so get going.

• You matter. People need you. People you love and even people you have never met are depending on you. You matter to God as well. No one else can be the person you were created to be. Do not think for a minute that you are not important; - the world needs you. God needs you.

• You influence those around you. Think well about the seeds you are planting as you influence the people around you every day. You can plant seeds of impatience, fear, and frustration, or of love, contentment, and faith. It's up to you!

• You are created just right. Each kind of bird has a uniquely-shaped beak, wings, and even feather shape so that everything about it is perfect for the lifestyle it lives. The various wing shapes allow them to dart after a bug, soar miles above a field, or fly for months over the ocean. Just as God cares enough to give each bird exactly what it needs, so you have been given the exact talents and personality to live the life God has given you.

• There are just two directions in life, - to shrink or to grow.

• Great people talk about ideas, Average people talk about things and small people talk about other people.

• Every person has the power to make others happy.
  Some do it simply by entering a room -- others by leaving the room.
  Some individuals leave trails of gloom; others, trails of joy.
  Some leave trails of hate and bitterness; others, trails of love & harmony.
  Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism; others trails of faith and optimism.
  Some leave trails of criticism and resignation; others trails of gratitude and hope.
  
  What type of trails do you leave?