I realize I am a fearful person. Afraid of what others think, afraid of failure, afraid of losing control, afraid of strong emotion, afraid of confrontation. It has held me back a lot in my life. All of these fears.
I am diabetic, so my fears of being somewhere and running into blood sugar issues is a legitimate concern, but also one that can be dealt with with good preplanning. I know my body pretty well. Things can happen unexpectedly but I should be able to cover those, again, with preplanning.
Ok... so who cares what others think? Really I don't, now that I think about it. And no one else really cares if I fail at something. Is that fear really a good reason to avoid even starting in the first place? The next three previously mentioned fears probably are a result of past experiences but they have led to the point of me avoiding many situations or resolving issues that really should be faced. Not really serving my best interest. Hmmm.... thinking about it I am afraid of confrontation in certain areas of my life because I know they would lead to anxiety.
I guess that's a big thing for me. I'm scared of feeling anxious. I just want to be happy. So I have simplified my life and my interactions to avoid anxiety. To the point that my life is very limited and predictable. I'm no kook... I just am not living my life to the extent that I, and those around me deserve. Ok... I am also afraid of change. Confrontation and openness would lead to change most likely. I'd have to step out of my comfort zone. My little coccoon. My box. Hmmm...
How does this relate to gratitude? Hmmm... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I want to feel more control in my life. I have heard that one can determine how their life goes... they can think it into existence. I have always blown that off as being... umm... dishonest? Ungenuine? Not facing the truth or the facts in front of you and living a dellusional smiley fluffy headed existence. But ya know... what if it works? They say it does. In a way it's what I've already been doing by avoiding looking at the painful parts of my life. Is it the same thing? Or is it different?
Am I aiming for happiness over truth? Is that what everyone is doing? Is that what we should be doing? Or is that what has led to the economical state of the world today?
I get a giddy feeling every once in a while that if I focus on the happy stuff and the stuff I am grateful for ... then I will feel good... and that leads to energy and confidence... and that leads to action... which leads to results! So if we (read: I) control our thoughts that will in hand control our emotions... and the rest will just follow. Oh I hope so. And I hope I can not get hit by a bad day (grey, or hormonal, or from something external happening, or from not feeling well, etc) and give it all up.
I have always believed that if one has an emotion they should just experience it... let it happen and it will pass when it is over. I remember having a discussion about this with a man about 15 years ago... before all this power of positive thinking stuff had gone mainstream. He said that no, you shouldn't dwell on your feelings, you should push past them, supress them and get on with it. Maybe he was onto something.
I know that since starting this blog/journal I have been feeling better. I am not as judgemental or negative (not perfect of course, but I hope to improve). I keep feeling like I need to say "so I hope all those other feelings don't come back and I don't just slip back"... but isn't this about taking control?! I should not (read: am not) going to let that happen.
So... here I stand (sit really) grateful for where, and who I am today. Recently I decided that I do like myself. And that I'm not a bad person. I've just let myself slip and fade away.
No more. I am me. I am good. I am nice. I am healthy. I have a good life. I have great kids. God made me the way I am way for a reason. He made me a perfect me... with the world and life spread out in front of me for me to experience and enjoy. Exciting stuff, huh?! It is! All the possibilities! I was going to say "where is life going to lead me?" But I guess the real question is where shall I lead my life?
I have never been good at making decisions... or knowing what I want I guess. I'm sure again, that is tied to my past, but the cause is not the issue. That's over and done with. I have the power to choose now. Hmmm... mind boggling. No it's not! That is defeatist attitude... saying my mind can't handle it. It all starts with baby steps. Small decisions...I don't have to make the big decisions now. Focus on the now... on the good stuff in the now. "Bloom where you are planted" as the fridge magnet my daughter made me 10 or so years ago says. The past is over and unchangeable, the future is unknown but the here and now is the "present"! It's the only thing any of us can work with.
So as you can see I tend to blab on and on. But writing things down like this helps me. It helps me to lay my thoughts out on the table, as it were. Clears the cobwebs. I suppose it also is a way to hold myself accountable.
I have no idea if anyone else is reading this. If you are, I hope my ramblings help you in some way, or at least make you think. I know they are helping me. If you have any input or feedback I'd love to hear from you.
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