"Would You Tell Me Please..."

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette

"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself." ~ Thomas Merton

"Everybody else has a script for your life that they want you to live.  The most important thing you can do is write your own.  People will get mad.  Do it anyways."  ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"Somewhere along the line, "nice" becomes a goal. We become embroiled in the sea of sameness as we waddle towards the central line of mediocrity." ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"The best we can do is to be the very best version of ourselves - in all our imperfect glory.  To love all of our mistakes, all of our blemishes, and all of our fears.  They are the very things that propel us forward and keep it interesting.  After all, there is no one else exactly like me." ~ Ingrid Mathieu

 "What is within you crying out to be birthed into the world right now? What talent do you have that is ready to be used? What project have you been endlessly thinking about that is ready to be birthed into physical reality? And what dreams do you have for this precious planet?" ~ GWYTK

Hmmm... interesting. Reading over the quotes that I have been collecting over the last week or so, once again, a common thread, or theme was evident.  A message I need to hear I guess. Above are some of those quotes.  Oh, and here's one more that ties in...

 "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Positivity Blog

My background in psychology wants me to figure out why I have always had low self esteem.  And why I am shy. But I suppose that the past doesn't matter, right?  It's what I do today that matters.  And today, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me that I am ok as I am.  I am a worthy and interesting individual.  Period. 

 A few days ago I was on facebook and an old high school friend popped up to chat with me.  Well, I can hardly call him a friend because he was more of a crush that I had, and being the shy teenager that I was I barely even ever spoke with him. In the course of our conversation he said something about me always being clever.  He also said that he wished that he had walked home from school with me, but he was too shy back then.  I never even knew he noticed me, let alone thought I was clever or had considered walking with me!  And I was always clever?  Since when?  I never knew I spoke enough to give that impression.  Interesting.  Okay... the psychologist in me is saying that when I was in high school I was living at home with my family, and I never felt like I measured up with them.  I didn't see myself as clever... but perhaps I was!  and perhaps it was evident to others.  (Oh man... this stream of consciousness rambling is leading me on tangents left and right...anyway... carry on...) Not sure why I brought this up... I'm sure there is a reason. It does tie in the first quote above. And also with the idea of the consistent core self.

 At  a number of points in my life I have had the urge to step outside of myself to see how I appear to others.  To just know the "truth".  Am I attractive or not?  Am I smart or not?  Am I fat or not?  Someone please tell me!  But now I am seeing that...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (William Shakespeare).

Getting back to the quotes above....  I am beginning to realize that I am a person that I like.  I like who I am.  The basics.  The core me. And I like that I don't just try to be like everyone else and that I don't worry about ticking people off by sticking to my own principles. But, so okay... what now?  As the last quote asks, what dreams do I have for my future? What part of me do I want to develop further?  What are my hidden desires and life goals?  That's where I draw a blank.  My inner psychologist wonders if it's from being a middle child and being bossed around by my older and more dazzling siblings, that I can't come up with any dreams of my own. Now my analytical self is telling me to stick with the present...stay in the here and now (fighting with myself again... ugh). 

Back when I was in university and was trying to figure out what to do with my life my dad sent me a quote by mail (Ah, that's where I get my love of quotes from...).  It was from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland...

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

So I suppose my next step is to figure out what I want.  I just found out that who I want to be is who I already am.  It only took me 47 years to figure that one out!

So I'll take small steps... I know I want to be healthy and happy... I know I want money... I know I want to travel...  I know I enjoy photography... I know I have a passion to write...

For me a big thing is confidence and squashing my fears.  Believing in myself.  Knowing I can do it.  Another step to take I suppose.  Onward and upward.