Alakazam...

Again with the excuses... with the girls' new schedule this term and Ron working from home, I'm finding it hard to get enough privacy to get into my own headspace.  There seems to always be someone around, coming to talk with me etc.  All of that is fine when I'm staying in the "here and now" but it's not as conducive to being alone with my thoughts and being able to think deeper on whatever it is I let my mind wander to.  (I know in a few years, after the kids have moved out I will miss that though).  Over the last couple of weeks I thought of a number of topics that I would love to delve into here, but haven't had the time.  Urgh.  I meant to jot down the ideas, but then I know that I would get a big long list and would probably feel pressured by the list.  As I have said before, I find what works best for me is, if I just let myself sit down when I know I will have a couple of hours privacy and just relax and let my mind and fingers flow. 

A few times lately the topic of meditation has been put in front of me.  I just realized as I wrote the paragraph above that writing here feels to me, like a form of meditation.  I'm sure musicians feel the same way.  And people who do yoga.  And runners and cyclists. And chefs and artists.  Okay, okay.  You get what I mean.  I get excited about the chance to spend this time.  I look forward to it and feel restless and... all jumbled up, if I don't.  I suppose it's the same with anything someone loves doing.  A passion.  It feels like an extravagence though.  Like I should be doing other things.  I know that a big part of it is because it doesn't make me any money and it isn't "productive".  I don't even share it with many people.  But it has merit for me.  And that should be good enough.  The to-do list can wait.  Enough with the excuses...

One thing I have been wanting to mention here is something kinda cool that I noticed recently. You know how I wrote my list back in October about what I deserve and desire in my life?  And that I was putting it out there to the universe to "make it so" even though I had no idea how any of it was going to come about?  Well, here's the cool part.  Some of it actually has happened!  And in unexpected weird ways too!

Example 1:  I had mentioned that I want to spend more time with my husband and have us enjoy the time together. POOF! I was referred and I signed up to be a "mystery shopper".  My first assignment was to go to a nice restaurant.  I HAD to bring another adult and we HAD to order drinks and an appetizer and meals and dessert, and it would all be paid for (I just have to fill out a questionnaire afterwards).

Example 2:  I had said that I want to have a nice reliable car (the one I have now is old and ugly and is on it's last legs).  BAM!  A few weeks ago my car was in a small accident (no one hurt, no real big deal) but the cost to repair it will be more than the car is worth. I'm just going to use the money from the insurance company for a downpayment on another car.

Example 3: This wasn't on my list but has been on my I-want-it-but-can't-ask-for-it list.  An iPad.  I don't need one, but I'd love to get my hands on one to fiddle with it and see what it can do (I love technology). KAZAM! My youngest daughter has been chosen out of her school of 2000 kids to be one of seven kids to get an iPad as part of a research study on iPad use as an aid to learning.

Example 4: I wanted a good tripod (ball head instead of the usual two or three-way panhead). ABRACADABRA! Over Christmas my sister mentioned that she had one just sitting around not being used and of course I could use it.

I guess you've just gotta put it out there.  I would never have been able to guess or plan any of these solutions that arose.  I didn't directly make any of them happen. 

I think that's called faith.  It's a vulnerable feeling.  Putting your trust out there like that.  But come to think of it, that is SO much better than not being able to trust in anyone or anything... not having any hope, and feeling like you have to do it all by yourself.  That's exhausting.  I know.

A bible verse just came to mind.  I had to look it up.  It's from the book of Matthew.  I remember hearing it years ago.  

  25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*As I've said before, references to God can also be thought of as putting stuff out there to "The Universe", and just not feeling all alone.

Getting back to the topic of meditation... I have learned recently that meditation is the process of quieting your mind so that you can listen, and hear your inner voice and your guiding voice (God).  Prayer is when we do all the talking.  Meditation is when we listen for the answer.  I think I find writing to be meditative because in it, I do both.  Through writing about things that come to mind, I become aware of what is concerning or intriguing me and then I flow through with realizations and conclusions.  Huh.  How cool is that!

Loosening Up...

"I've been noticing how easy it is to walk through life with clenched fists, trying to hold on to things we're afraid to lose ... but with clenched fists we can neither give nor receive." ~ J.B.

This is a quote a friend posted on facebook a few months ago.  I find I have been thinking about it a fair bit.  I realized I do that... when I tune into myself I realize I often have gently clenched fists.  Huh.  Perhaps I am trying to "hold on".  To maintain my privacy? To stay inside of myself instead of opening myself to my surroundings?  Hmmm.

For the last couple of years I have had trouble with my shoulders.  Frozen shoulder; which causes a restricted range of motion and pain.  The doctors, physios and literature say that frozen shoulder will just "undo" itself after 1 to 3 years.  Since reading this quote I am wondering if being tense and "clenched" is one of the causes of this.  Part of it of course is more of a symptom... I clench my shoulders to avoid pain.  At this point I don't know which came first, the tension or the injury. Hmm.  The pain started after we moved into the house we are in now.  I assumed (and so does my sports medicine doctor) that it occurred because I stopped lifting weights after we moved... I have a big Bowflex kind of thing that I used to work out on regularly, mainly working my arms and shoulders.  But to move the machine, it was disassembled and my husband never found the time to reassemble it after the move (I tried but it was too complex). 

The reason we moved was because we had to sell our house that we loved and had been living in for 12 years. The economic downturn hitting the country affected our business negatively and we lost pretty much everything.  So ya, that caused me stress.  It stressed our finances, our marriage and our children.  Hey!  Maybe subconsciously I am clenching my fists and shoulders to "hold on" to what we have left.  Our posessions. Our marriage.  My sanity.

So getting back to JB's quote, all this "holding on" has been restricting my flow of energy, not only within my body but with my surroundings as well.  Since reading that quote a few months ago I have been making a conscious effort to release my shoulders and hands whenever I become aware of tension.  It has helped!  My left shoulder seems to be releasing.  Halleluiah!  I was dreading going back to see my sports medicine doctor because he says that the next option is surgery, if they don't release on their own.  Yikes.  But now I am excited to go back and see him tomorrow so he can measure the improvement.

Also helping with tension release, over the last couple of years I have been working on finding joy and beauty in my world. It has been amazing actually.  I won't go on about it now though because if you have read this far I'm sure you are ready for this post to come to a close.  I should write a post about a dream I had about all this once.  Oh, and about my theories about dream analysis too.  Ha ha.  Getting ahead of myself.  Hush now.

So in summary; let go of your tension.  Do it now... take a deep breath... lower your shoulders, shake out your hands... look around the room.  There.  Now get on with your day and enjoy your surroundings.

Opening Gifts...

Wow, it feels like forever since I've written here.  Or written at all really... I mean, sat and had time to be in my own headspace.  I'm out of the habit.  I keep thinking about my to do list and things I need to get done this week, now that I finally get some time to myself.  My kids are all back in school, but with two in university their schedules are all over the place, with days off and one class per day some days.  Ok... shake it off... here and now... I have time alone... it's quiet... I know I need to start the laundry... shhh... hush...

Over the holidays I was surprised to find I felt down some days. And a bit short tempered on some.  It could be because I didn't get my alone time. It could be all the expectations tied to the holidays... entertaining, baking, shopping, decorating, house guests, etc.  Thinking back I really enjoyed most of that.  I do know though that I get stressed when we have house guests.  Not just the cleaning or the cooking or the hosting and entertaining... it's the pressure to be "on" all the time.  To be chatty and social and witty etc. 

I am an introvert. And introverts get their energy from being alone, whereas extroverts get their energy from being around other people.  The rest of my immediate family is pretty much introverted as well... with the exception of enjoying spending time together.  I was going to say that perhaps sharing our genetics, our blood, that that predisposes us to feeling that we are part of a shared unit.  But I sure don't feel that way with my bro and sis's.  In a way it is more relaxing to spend time with strangers or aquaintances than with my siblings or my mother.  Extended family members come with an intimacy (even though we are not very close) that allows them to judge and question and comment on me and my life, that others don't.  Or maybe I just feel judged and compared and measured. Hmmm.

One of my daughter's is a bit more extroverted than the rest of us. She is the first of my daughter's to have a boyfriend.  It is a new experience for all of us.  She is a good kid with a level head and so I don't worry about her (after a few reassuring talks we've had, that is).  Her boyfriend however doesn't live nearby.  They live a ferry ride (about 4 hour trip door to door) apart.  I won't get into how they met but the majority of their relationship since meeting is carried out via text and skype.  He is a nice boy and we get along really well.  (The girls have always told each other that they all have to approve of each other's boyfriends/husbands... and luckily this one fits).  But anyway, this boy came to visit over the holidays.  He stayed 6 days.  It was only supposed to be for 4 days but my daughter talked me into allowing an extended visit.  Then as soon as he left, actually even before, that same daughter had a friend over who prefers being at our house to being at her own.  So she comes over, or they go out together... but she always stays until 10 or 11 pm.  She just sits down at the dinner table at dinner time, helps herself to food in the kitchen whenever she wants... makes herself quite at home.  (Oh dear, I'm getting worked up and whining... ugh). 

My point is, I am grateful that my daughter's have friends, and that they are really great kids.  I am grateful that we all like the majority of their friends.  I am grateful that they feel comfortable at our house and feel welcome.  I am grateful that they like me as a person and don't just see me as a typical mom.  They think I'm cool and like going on outings with me.  I am blessed that my kids love hanging out with me and we have tons of fun together... and I guess it is a compliment when their friends envy us and want to join us.  I know that including them is the good "christian" thing to do. 

Over the years we have had a number of friends like this.  Friends of my three daughters who latch on to us and spend a lot of time with us.  One such friend was a boy who was was in foster care and wasn't happy in his foster home.  He would drop by just before dinner most nights and we would just set a plate for him and take smaller portions.  He also would sleep over at our house two or three nights a week (of course getting permission from his foster mom).  He kept a number of items at our house (we were in a bigger house then).  We took him with us on our outings... he probably would never have a chance to go to many of the places we took him otherwise.  Another friend who, years later, frequently joined us on out outings, later said that the times he spent with us were the happiest times of his life.

So I guess where this is going (I never know until I start writing... or even what topic I'm going to ramble about) is to realize for myself that it is a good thing to put my own introversion aside and to welcome these people with open arms into our/my life.  My psychology background makes me empathize with these kids (well, some are in their 20's).  Some of them open up to me.  One girl said she felt more comfortable talking to me than to her own mother.  Not to sound boastful, but I suppose I was given a gift (many, if you include my car, my home, my children, the food I can provide, my freedom to go on outings, etc) and I should use my gift unselfishly.  Gifts are meant to be shared.  Comfort zones sometimes need to be breached. 

So, this isn't at all what I thought I was going to write about today.  I had a few other ideas brewing, but I find this free flow is the best way for me.  Perhaps it gets out what needs to get out.

Now to tackle the laundry.