Wow... Another long break from writing here. Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself. Sorry for not writing or journaling. I know it is good for me. I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.
So yes... time has passed. A brief catch-up is in order...
I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's. They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so. I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people. All three of them still live at home. As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me". I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away. I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.
At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months. Deep breath. I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out. One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months. I trust that they are capable and safe. My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year! That totally freaks me out. She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know. And she doesn't want my help or input with planning. It terrifies me. She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together. It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip. I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree. I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends. My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well. She seems to have found balance though.
I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip. I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her. She is 20. She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way. I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay. (There is that "letting go" again). Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20. He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person. Perhaps she is too. Maybe that's where the difference lies.
She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this. Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't. She needs something big of her own.
So I have to let her go. My baby. Wipe a tear...
So all of this is preparing me for my future. My empty nest. I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me. The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me. I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff. They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day. All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually. They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can. That they don't need me. I need to know that too. Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.
Wow, so much to say and to talk about. To vent. To process.
All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband. We have both changed so much over the years. And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart. I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common. Sad, I know. And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation. I have no career to go back to. Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway. I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial. At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself. I don't like that feeling.
So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own. I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together. I hope we can. Reconnect, that is.
Where has the time gone? The days may be long but the years are short. Fleeting.
