I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now. As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts. Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else. Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.
Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block. Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about. And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.
But now it's summer again. The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere. Those are all definitely things to be grateful for. My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.
Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen. And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age. Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much. But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.
I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern. Afraid to take steps forward. As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful. Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident. But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some. My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe. Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that! I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life. I believed it. And I felt good.
Then the set-back.
...
...
Perhaps I should just say what it is... I found out that I have issues going on with my heart. It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age. I'm only freakin' 49. And it scares me. And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places. And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational. But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems. And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems. I'm scared.
Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids. And I want to be around to be their grandmother. I will be an awesome grandma. I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.
Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this? Me finally letting them go? Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me. Realizing that it's not all about me.
I look fine. Same as before. And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself. Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc. And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do. Hopefully it is. And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.
Hey, I want to tell you a quick story. Change the mood here. Something that happened to me this winter. Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....
One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with. In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women. I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek. Perfect for simple long exposures. As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek. It was a man. Huh. As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over. I went about my business. I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc. Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same level of knowledge and interest in photography. It was refreshing. After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk. So I did. We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce. I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing. When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures. Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks. At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved. He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then. After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me. Well. Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10. Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well. When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.
Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard 2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman 3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage 4. I can go for hikes and up hills 5. There are people out there who I can be friends with 6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals) 7. I should get out of the house more 8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.
All of these things I am grateful for. I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.
