"Would You Tell Me Please..."

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette

"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself." ~ Thomas Merton

"Everybody else has a script for your life that they want you to live.  The most important thing you can do is write your own.  People will get mad.  Do it anyways."  ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"Somewhere along the line, "nice" becomes a goal. We become embroiled in the sea of sameness as we waddle towards the central line of mediocrity." ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"The best we can do is to be the very best version of ourselves - in all our imperfect glory.  To love all of our mistakes, all of our blemishes, and all of our fears.  They are the very things that propel us forward and keep it interesting.  After all, there is no one else exactly like me." ~ Ingrid Mathieu

 "What is within you crying out to be birthed into the world right now? What talent do you have that is ready to be used? What project have you been endlessly thinking about that is ready to be birthed into physical reality? And what dreams do you have for this precious planet?" ~ GWYTK

Hmmm... interesting. Reading over the quotes that I have been collecting over the last week or so, once again, a common thread, or theme was evident.  A message I need to hear I guess. Above are some of those quotes.  Oh, and here's one more that ties in...

 "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Positivity Blog

My background in psychology wants me to figure out why I have always had low self esteem.  And why I am shy. But I suppose that the past doesn't matter, right?  It's what I do today that matters.  And today, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me that I am ok as I am.  I am a worthy and interesting individual.  Period. 

 A few days ago I was on facebook and an old high school friend popped up to chat with me.  Well, I can hardly call him a friend because he was more of a crush that I had, and being the shy teenager that I was I barely even ever spoke with him. In the course of our conversation he said something about me always being clever.  He also said that he wished that he had walked home from school with me, but he was too shy back then.  I never even knew he noticed me, let alone thought I was clever or had considered walking with me!  And I was always clever?  Since when?  I never knew I spoke enough to give that impression.  Interesting.  Okay... the psychologist in me is saying that when I was in high school I was living at home with my family, and I never felt like I measured up with them.  I didn't see myself as clever... but perhaps I was!  and perhaps it was evident to others.  (Oh man... this stream of consciousness rambling is leading me on tangents left and right...anyway... carry on...) Not sure why I brought this up... I'm sure there is a reason. It does tie in the first quote above. And also with the idea of the consistent core self.

 At  a number of points in my life I have had the urge to step outside of myself to see how I appear to others.  To just know the "truth".  Am I attractive or not?  Am I smart or not?  Am I fat or not?  Someone please tell me!  But now I am seeing that...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (William Shakespeare).

Getting back to the quotes above....  I am beginning to realize that I am a person that I like.  I like who I am.  The basics.  The core me. And I like that I don't just try to be like everyone else and that I don't worry about ticking people off by sticking to my own principles. But, so okay... what now?  As the last quote asks, what dreams do I have for my future? What part of me do I want to develop further?  What are my hidden desires and life goals?  That's where I draw a blank.  My inner psychologist wonders if it's from being a middle child and being bossed around by my older and more dazzling siblings, that I can't come up with any dreams of my own. Now my analytical self is telling me to stick with the present...stay in the here and now (fighting with myself again... ugh). 

Back when I was in university and was trying to figure out what to do with my life my dad sent me a quote by mail (Ah, that's where I get my love of quotes from...).  It was from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland...

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

So I suppose my next step is to figure out what I want.  I just found out that who I want to be is who I already am.  It only took me 47 years to figure that one out!

So I'll take small steps... I know I want to be healthy and happy... I know I want money... I know I want to travel...  I know I enjoy photography... I know I have a passion to write...

For me a big thing is confidence and squashing my fears.  Believing in myself.  Knowing I can do it.  Another step to take I suppose.  Onward and upward.

I Am Thankful...

It's American Thanksgiving today.  I am Canadian and we had our Thanksgiving last month.  But regardless of the date these days remind us to be thankful and to reflect on blessings in our life. 

On Canadian Thanksgiving I was busy preparing the big family feast and creating the festive atmosphere in my home.  Today instead I find I am able to sit back and enjoy the energy of the season from a more detatched vantage point.  American Thanksgiving feels like the beginning of the full blown pre-Christmas season.  Knowing my American friends are having family gatherings and enjoying a long weekend is a vicariously warm feeling. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For lessons I have learned.  For the blessing of each new day (sorry to sound corny, but I am!). For my family and my home. For my health, and that of those I love.

Oh... I could put it this way...

 "For this day and it's light.

For rest and shelter through the night.

For health and food,

love, family and friends.

For every gift your goodness sends,

I thank you Lord.

Amen."

Ralph Waldo Emerson              

I Need Constant Reminders...

 I put quotes here in my blog that resonate with me personally.  I find I often need reminders and boosts and kicks in the butt.  I am on a journey... and this blog documents my ongoing struggle with learning new  thought processes and methods of living my daily life.  It ain't all that easy to teach old dogs new tricks.  I like what I read online the other day in The Positivity Blog; "It's not about life being perfect or positive or awesome all the time. That is just perfectionism rearing its ugly head. It is about replacing unhelpful habits with better ones. It is about raising the percentages of times where you can handle things in a better way both in your everyday life and when big things happen. But there are still natural valleys and peaks in life. And a bad day will sometimes just be a bad day. And that is OK. That’s life."

 I found I was avoiding writing here when I was feeling down or negative. But I have to remind myself, the focus of this blog is not only optimism and sharing of knowledge... it is my journey.  My journal.  My cognitive internal ramblings.  My struggle, along with my true desire to be a better and happier me.

•  "Of all the gifts you can give a friend, the truthful sharing of who you are, and where you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is the most beautiful and valuable gift of all. It’s this honest sharing that serves as the thread that sews a friendship into the warm quilt it can be, to wrap around you when life feels cold and unforgiving." ~ by Sandra Kring

• "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~ Bob Moawad 

• "You can TURN OFF the sun but I'm still gonna SHINE." ~ PO

• "I CHOOSE...to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes, not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others." ~ PO

• "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson

• "It's not who you are that holds you back. It is who you think you are not." ~ PO

• "Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are." ~ PO

• "Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." ~ Frank A. Clark

• "Don't sweat someone else getting a gold... go for your own!" ~ TS

• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~ Mark Twain

• "What vibe are you giving off?" ~TS

• "Your job is you and only you. When you are working in harmony with the law, no-one can come between you and the Universe. However if you think another person can get in the way of what you want, then you have done a flip to the negative. Focus on creating what you want." ~ TS

• "You are the center of divine operation in your life, and your partner is the Universe. No one can get in the way of your creation." ~ TS

• "Stop feeding whatever's bugging you and it will fly away." ~PO

• "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." ~ Dr Martin Luther King Jr

• "On days when you feel like a motherless child, go outside. Feel the wind stroke your hair like a good mother should, and let the sun kiss your cheeks and warm you. Then sit on the ground as if it were her lap, and tell your troubles to the good Mother Earth who feeds you." ~ Sandra Kring

• "Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us." ~ Earl Nightingale

• "I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ by Diane Ackerman

• "Good thoughts and actions always produce good results, sometimes in unusual ways. Just focus on doing what you can, and leave the results up to God." ~PO

• "Your pain and sorrow can in retrospect be a gift. Your sorrow expands the spectrum of human experience, understanding and emotions for you. You become more grateful because of your sorrow. The sorrow carves deeper. And the deeper it carves, the more joy you will also be able to contain. The sad times make the happy times even sweeter." ~ The Positivity  

• "When I have a pessimistic mood or low energy or no motivation or all of them then that can help me to think in new ways about things. My lowest days often turn out to be some of my most creative days.  The bad day may not feel good, but I know that it often will bring me positive things." ~ The Positivity Blog

Ages and Stages...

Even though I have said that at this stage in my life I am reaching out to others and trying to make social connections, it is also a time for internal reflection.  Being me, I seem to be focussing more on the internal reflection part, than the reaching out part.  It's all a process right?  Baby steps, as I have said before.  Actually, now that I really think about it I have been a bit more socially engaged... or at least more socially open than I have been in the past.  Huh.  Good to realize.

That is why it's a good idea to write down a list of one's goals.  Then, at a later point... or even when you are feeling like you are making no progress, you can go back and re-read your list and see that in fact you most likely have made progress.  Even if just baby step.  It reminds me of the idea that I heard years ago about keeping a "prayer journal".  I was part of a "home group" set up by my church for small groupings of people to get together weekly to experience a more personal and interactive experience.  At the close of each meeting we would share our prayer requests, with the idea that we would pray for each other.  I kept a prayer journal for the group, and after a few months went back and found that indeed, most of our prayers were answered in one way or another, at least to some degree.

Anyway to get back on track to what I initially meant to write about... (see how I ramble?  But this is what I meant this writing experience to be about for me... my wandering thoughts. See how I also argue with myself a lot?... ugh)

Anyway, even though I have found myself turning inward to reflection, I realize that I am still "teaching" my girls.  Even though they are teens and young adults, and don't need me in the same way they used to, they still watch and learn from their mother.  But it is different than how they used to view me and my ways... instead of just seeing their mum and seeing me as an authority figure who is all knowing and perfect, they now think for themselves and may or may not agree with my opinions and ways.  Along with their own thought processes, they have friends, teachers, professors, and even Youtube stars helping them analyse the world around them.  I've noticed that they see Youtube stars as almost friends.  That is kinda scary. They can (and do) interact with these stars through adding comments, "friending" them on Facebook and "chatting" when they do livestream stuff. They watch these people going through their daily lives and speaking directly to the camera (read: the viewer) often about personal and/or big matters.  Values, opinions, how to act, what family life is supposed to be like, how to manage your finances, etc.  I trust my girls, and I know they watch youtubers with good values for the most part. They have gravitated towards the youtubers with similar values to ours... humour, family, fun, creativity, appreciation of the small things, health...  But still...

I mean I know that friends and tv etc have always been a huge influences on kids' lives... but now... I guess it's my kids' age and their maturity level that make them open their eyes to my faults.  I dunno what I'm trying to say here...  writing it out, I see it's a good thing.  It's awesome.  I guess my point is that I can't take their respect for granted anymore.  It's got nothing to do with Youtube.  They are emerging young women on the awesome progression towards being independent adults. 

I am grateful for my three beautiful, intelligent, awesome daughters.  I am grateful for their emerging independence.  I am grateful that I can be a part of it.  I am grateful that they respect me and my opinions and truly like me (and I, them).  Actually, I am grateful that they do have these other influences in their lives.  I know I haven't done everything right and that my opinions aren't always the healthiest.  They are taking in all the information around them and digesting it... helping them to formulate their own opinions and ways. 

So, I have come to realize that all this stuff about working on myself and my attitudes etc is also about helping form my daughters' attitudes, dreams and sense of power.  I may have been feeling like it's a time to step aside and let them go, but... they are still here, watching and asking my opinions.  I may have faults, and they may see them more clearly now... but they can also see that I am trying to change... and we can now discuss these new opinions, values and ways logically and critically together.  How awesome is that?!

I Am...

A friend tells me that, when put together, those are the two most powerful words in the english language.  "I am".  When following the principles of "The Secret" it makes total sense. By stating what indeed "I am", I am setting my limits and predetermining my destiny. On a subconscious level I am stating a perceived account, or fact as it were, about myself. 

It's funny, I have always been a big skeptic, but... just say to yourself "I am tired".  Now how do you feel?  Tired, I bet.  Now say "I am happy".  Don't you feel better now?  Weird how it works, but who are we to try to understand the intricacies of the human psyche? 

We can use "I am" statements to kick ourselves in the butt.  Even if you don't feel a certain way, doing this can steer you in a chosen direction.  We can choose our mood, our thoughts and supposedly, our destiny.

• I am happy
• I am a good person
• I am likeable
• I am a great mom
• I am going to contribute financially to my household this year
• I am a good photographer
• I am intelligent

When I am feeling a little insecure or not quite as "up" as I'd like to be I have a harder time saying positive things about myself. When that happens I try really hard not to say negative  "I am" statements. To not put myself down.  Not limit myself. I try to at least say some positive ones... even the most basic ones... like "I am grateful for my kids".

That is one reason keeping a gratitude journal is so helpful in shaping my view.  I just take a few moments at the end of each day to jot down three things that I was grateful for that day.  Even on "bad days" I can always come up with something... I may just have to think a little harder.  "I am grateful that it didn't rain today".  "I am grateful for my cozy sweater".  "I am grateful my kids are healthy".  See how easy it is? 

It isn't necessary to do big "I am" statements.  You don't have to jump directly to "I am going to be a millionaire by the time I am 50" or "I am gorgeous".  You can take baby steps.  Start small.  "I am going to contribute financially"  and "I have pretty eyes".  The Universe knows me.  I can go at my own pace.  With my own style. 

It's funny, since I have started trying to incorporate this stuff into my thinking I found I was having times of... well... a blank mind.  I'd just find myself not thinking about anything.  It's not happening so much anymore but I noticed it a few weeks ago.  I realized after a few days that it was occurring because I was so used to thinking negative things.  Dwelling on negativity. Stewing in it.   Now that I had told myself not to do that anymore, there were empty spaces where those thoughts used to reside.  I laughed when I realized what was happening.

The Bigger Picture...

I feel that there is a thought, or a feeling... or a revelation brewing within my mind... but I need to just sit down and have a moment here to sort it out.  Other things always seem to come first...the busyness of our days. Even though I have pared down my life and keep it pretty simple I still seem to be busy with stuff. The everlasting to-do list. The bottomless list. As a stay-at-home mum other people add to my list too. It is my job after all. So here are a few thoughts, in a few minutes, between... stuff.

As part of this recent journey that I am on I am trying to listen more to inner voices, as well as outer voices whom I would have previously brushed aside. One thing that's been niggling at me led to this need to sort through my thoughts. Just this morning I came to realize that over the last week or so a number of the inspirational emails and apps that I subscribe to, along with some other emails and messages I have received are all coming together to bring me a message.

From my Daily Teachings from The Secret I was told that "Many of us were taught to put ourselves last, and as a consequence we attracted feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. You must change that thinking."  And last night I read an email regarding raising teenagers which stated that teenagers become selfish unless they are encouraged to do more things for themselves. So here I am giving myself a moment today to work on myself.

One quote I read yesterday confirmed nicely what I wrote here in my last blog entry;  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Another; "It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you." (MFG)

That got me thinking... what/who am I hiding from? And why? Why don't I want to be "seen"?

It's crazy... I was watching a dumb show the other day... Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. (disclaimer: The only reason I started watching it is because I went to school with Tracy, who is often on the show.) Garbage one would think, but some good stuff is dealt with in that show. In the episode I watched Gene was going through a pre-marriage bootcamp. One thing the counsellors honed in on was his relationships with his mother and his deceased father. He adored his mother and resented his father. The counsellors made him go through the exercise of forgiving his father. Not for the father's sake but for Gene's sake... and also for his fiance's sake. He had to let go of his anger. We also saw that Gene's attitude towards women was based on how he saw his mother. He put her on a pedestal, as he subsequently does with his fiance. And he sees himself as the bad, hurtful jerk that his dad was. Interesting. It made me realize that I tend to get along with men better than with women because I got along better with my dad. I also have been unable to love myself because I was unloved by my mum and she, I am assuming, doesn't love herself. After the show I thought about this and I quietly, in my own mind (but now I realize, to the Universe) forgave my mum. Since then (I realize now) I have accepted myself more. I am a good person. I am worthy. I deserve to be loved. And I am a likeable person too. I'm kinda neat (cool neat that is, not tidy neat).

So my point is, that since I am finding I like myself more now, I am feeling less of a need to hide. Why not show my true self to the world? Making this blog a public blog was a big step for me. I haven't gone so far as to tell anyone that I know about it... and I'm sure no one other than me has read it... but I'm still showing more of myself than I would have in the past.

The sermon series at church over the last few weeks can be summed up with the message that we don't have to earn God's love, we have it already. And that we don't have to behave perfectly and follow all the right rules, we just have to trust that God is on our side and is leading us somewhere good. Just trust God. Trust the Universe. It's on our side. Even if my mum wasn't on my side, God is. The whole freaking universe is on my side! I can forgive my mum, realize she did the best she could and move on, with the universe holding me up.

I'm sure there's more to this thought branch than I was able to clarify, but I'm glad I got some of it down on paper (well... keyboard).

It's My Time to Shine...

Over the last few years, as my kids have gotten older and taken less of my time and energy, I have started to reach out to others to build a support network.

I have always been a bit shy and stayed in my coccoon with my kids, but now I am lifting my head and realizing I would like more connections. Friends. I know saying I am shy is a limiting statement, but I am now saying I no longer want to be shy. I want to push out of that comfort zone. I want to let others into my life. I want new experiences and new connections. I want friends.

Most of these new friends have been online. I am a bit embarrassed to say this. But it is a start. And it opened my eyes to how rewarding it can feel to have friends. I have always been a bit of a loner. But I am at a place now where I would like more friends.

Through meeting and chatting with these friends I saw myself in a new light. I was seen as Anne instead of just a mom. One friend often would remind me to talk about myself, and not just about my kids. I am a separate entity. I am me. I was also informed that I am intelligent, interesting, insightful, witty and attractive. Who new?!! I sure didn't. But through hearing it from outsiders, over time, I began to absorb some of it. What a great feeling. It gave me confidence. Made me feel better about myself. Made me realize that I had more to offer than I had previously believed. I, Anne, am a likeable and worthwhile person.

I have had a couple of quotes floating around in my head for the last few days, that I knew I wanted to write down here. A few of the many, many things that my new found friends have encouraged me with. The one that has been resounding the loudest lately is;

• "Do something today that will make you shine." I love that one. (It shows up in photographs too.)


• "Get up and dance right now!"


• "Life is Good". I know that is an age old one but one friend keeps telling it to me and telling it to me. He has been a great source of wisdom and strength.


• "Anne, you rock and you know it! Stop being a pussy, stand up and say what you've got to say. I believe."

I know there a more, but those are the ones I have had swirling around in my head lately. It is great when I can hang onto friends like that. Carry the imprint of their hand on my life. Still feeling their support and love. No matter where they are.