A New Normal...

I sit here. Alone.

 At a place where I used to come with you.

It's the same... but different.

Still my "happy place", but now tinged with sadness.

But that's ok. My new reality.

You would enjoy this. You always did. 

After a while I won't think that way anymore. 

I will just enjoy it on my own. In my own way.

I won't save shells for you, or comment on oddly shaped driftwood. 

No one to tell it to. To share it with.

But that's ok.

I still like it here. 

I hesitated to come though. All this way; such a long drive, just for me. 

But it's what my soul craved. Needed.

The ocean. The wind. The dunes.

Soon I will bring my camera again. After I get past feeling that my photos lack interest if a loved one isn't in them.

My urge to take pictures will return. 

New sights will catch my eye. New subject matter.

And that's ok. 

A new normal.

Holes...

I hurt. 

A piece of me is gone. 

I don't like this feeling.

My body is tearing away.  Piece by piece.

Leaving holes.

That's what it feels like as my children leave.  Like a part of my physical being is gone.

What do I do now?

Part of me is elsewhere.  I am torn.

I am not a whole.  I have a hole.

I am assuming... I am told... 

Eventually the hole will heal.  It will close and heal over.  

Filling with other things.  Other people.

But all I can do for now is ache.

Go through the motions of my day.

Being reminded periodically of the absence.

The ache swells.

Swells and subsides.

The dance of parenting continues.

Holding tight and letting go.

To their rhythm.

Not mine.

Let them go.

Let them grow.

I have to.

Give up that piece of me.  Let it go.

Accept the void.  Look for ways to fill it.

Turn the hole back into a whole.

It's been a long time.

A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.

Doing the dance.

All together we were the whole.

Moving in step.

This is just another part of the dance.

Inevitable.

They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.

Ready or not.

But for now...

I ache.

Flying Away...

Wow... Another long break from writing here.  Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself.  Sorry for not writing or journaling.  I know it is good for me.  I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.

So yes... time has passed.  A brief catch-up is in order...

I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's.  They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so.  I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people.  All three of them still live at home.  As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me".  I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although  I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away.  I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.

At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months.  Deep breath.  I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out.  One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months.  I trust that they are capable and safe.  My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year!  That totally freaks me out.  She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know.  And she doesn't want my help or input with planning.  It terrifies me.  She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together.  It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip.  I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree.  I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends.  My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well.  She seems to have found balance though.

I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip.  I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her.  She is 20.  She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way.  I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay.  (There is that "letting go" again).  Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20.  He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person.  Perhaps she is too.  Maybe that's where the difference lies.

She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this.  Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't.  She needs something big of her own.

So I have to let her go.  My baby. Wipe a tear...

So all of this is preparing me for my future.  My empty nest.  I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me.  The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me.  I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff.  They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day.  All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually.  They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can.  That they don't need me.  I need to know that too.  Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.

Wow, so much to say and to talk about.  To vent.  To process.

All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband.  We have both changed so much over the years.  And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart.  I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common.  Sad, I know.  And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation.  I have no career to go back to.  Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway.  I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial.  At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself.  I don't like that feeling.

So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own.  I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together.  I hope we can.  Reconnect, that is.

Where has the time gone?  The days may be long but the years are short.  Fleeting.

Whisperings...

Wow!  It's been a while since I wrote here.  I guess I sort of gave up on it.  Did I give up on me??  No.  I didn't.  Never have, never will.  As the blog name states, it's a journey.  I just got thrown off track a little.  All part of the process, right?

So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey".  Since I am a photographer, Yes, I think of myself that way now.  Awesome, right?! I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography.  But, curiously,  I have been pulled to words instead.  I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here.  Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page?  Well, a computer screen actually.  I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again.  I'm excited!

The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, my spiritual journey, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together.  I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time.  Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being.

Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues.  Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old.  I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, knock on wood, and am excited about the future.  After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time.  Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.

When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings".  I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go".  Huh.  That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in.  That was a whispering.

I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me.  It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. In my soul??   That is how my whisperings come to me.  Another way is niggling feelings.  Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc.  Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere.  I am not always aware of the niggling.  Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe??   I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related.  Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"."

It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook.  Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace".  And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame.  Letting go of control is a major step.

One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists.  I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn.  I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on".  Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity.  They needed to "let go", physically.

So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go.  And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom".  Cool.  More synchronicity. 

I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams.  Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings.  I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them.  They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.

Am I just sounding like a kook now?  Are these ramblings going anywhere?

I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog.  I feel more... integrous. Is that even a word?  More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside.  Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind.  That's a big step.  Feels good.  So important at this stage of a woman's life.  I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me.  And I don't apologize for any of it.  I am who I am.  Like it or leave it.

That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace".  Peace is something I strive for.  I don't mean world peace.  I mean within myself.  That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling.  My question is: Is peace the goal?  Everyone's goal?  The ultimate goal?

On Turning 50...

I love this time of year.  I always have.

The colours.  The cool, crisp air. The cozy sweaters.

This autumn has been less rainy than usual, here on the West Coast.

We have been able to enjoy sunshine, blue skies and crunchy fallen leaves.

Glorious.

The contrast of the colours of the leaves against the blue sky is breathtaking.

As I was driving along the other day the thought occurred to me that I want to shine like autumn trees do.

I've been through the early years of sprouting and growing. Emerging. 

Everything new.  Everything fresh.

Then came the years of blossoming and flowering.  

Full of colour and beauty. 

My three daughters are in that phase now.  

Discovering themselves.  Opening themselves up to the world.

Eventually they too will be fruitful and multiply.

I would like to think that I am still in my summer years... at the tail end I admit. 

But I am turning 50 in a few months.

I can sense the coming of the passing of the reigns.  The turning of the leaves. 

The seeds falling so that the next generation can start anew.

But before that happens I would like to be a blaze of glorious colour.

To make people turn and look.  Catching sight of me out the corner of their eye.

Causing them to pause and take comfort in my quiet, peaceful offerings.

I have always loved trees.  Felt an affinity to them.

When I think of autumn trees I sense an air of confidence.  Of peaceful, unpretentious beauty.

I imagine them smiling when the sun warms their expressive leaves.

I would like to be like that.  Be thought of like that, in my autumn years.

When I reach them.

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

A Summer of Growing...

Hey I'm back!  Sorry for the "absence".  Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way.  Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?"  

I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...

So my kids were all away for ten days in early July.  I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years!  And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude.  Essentially I was saying "I don't wanna grow up", even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.

Well, you know what happened?  I grew up!  I did... and I quite like it.  I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day.  When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not.  I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though.  I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless.  

Another thing happended while my kids were away;  My husband and I reconnected!  That surprised me.  He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times.  We talked.  We spent time together.  We had fun together.  And actually, we continue to do so.  It's like we are starting from the here and now.  Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.

My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc.  Now he has started doing the same thing!  And he is feeling much better about himself.  He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me.  And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money.  He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen.  But now they work together and are buddies.  He is getting back to being the man who I married;  Albiet a wiser version.  He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic.  I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is?  I know I certainly am not. 

While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time.  I came to enjoy the freedom.  If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly.  I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere.  I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day.  I had some tender areas for a few days after.) 

Then my kids came home.  Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do.  I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere fun and new each day.  I often just wanted to get my errands done.  Now that I have had a taste of growing up I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it.  And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what.  (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).

Yes I want to still be a great mom.  And I am.  And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what.  And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes.  But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list).  And, I want to become the best possible Me I can become.  To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being.  Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife.  

Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing.  I didn't notice it at first.  After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends.  I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave.  But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking.  Now people even approach me to chat!  It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.)  I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.

So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago.  She was away for four months.  If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long.  However we are both still alive and well. We made it.  Another step in the journey, for both of us.  She seems pretty much the same as when she left.  Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing.  Four months went by with her out of my sight.  I don't know a lot of what went on.  That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go.  But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers.  She is a good kid.  And she still is.  And she still loves me.  And I still love her.  But we are both a little bit more independent now.  I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return.  It's all for the good though. For all of us.