Hey I'm back! Sorry for the "absence". Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way. Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?"
I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...
So my kids were all away for ten days in early July. I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years! And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude. Essentially I was saying "I don't wanna grow up", even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.
Well, you know what happened? I grew up! I did... and I quite like it. I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day. When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not. I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though. I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless.
Another thing happended while my kids were away; My husband and I reconnected! That surprised me. He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times. We talked. We spent time together. We had fun together. And actually, we continue to do so. It's like we are starting from the here and now. Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.
My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc. Now he has started doing the same thing! And he is feeling much better about himself. He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me. And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money. He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen. But now they work together and are buddies. He is getting back to being the man who I married; Albiet a wiser version. He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic. I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is? I know I certainly am not.
While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time. I came to enjoy the freedom. If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly. I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere. I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day. I had some tender areas for a few days after.)
Then my kids came home. Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do. I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere fun and new each day. I often just wanted to get my errands done. Now that I have had a taste of growing up I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it. And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what. (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).
Yes I want to still be a great mom. And I am. And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what. And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes. But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list). And, I want to become the best possible Me I can become. To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being. Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife.
Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing. I didn't notice it at first. After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends. I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave. But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking. Now people even approach me to chat! It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.) I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.
So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago. She was away for four months. If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long. However we are both still alive and well. We made it. Another step in the journey, for both of us. She seems pretty much the same as when she left. Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing. Four months went by with her out of my sight. I don't know a lot of what went on. That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go. But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers. She is a good kid. And she still is. And she still loves me. And I still love her. But we are both a little bit more independent now. I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return. It's all for the good though. For all of us.
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