Ages and Stages...

Even though I have said that at this stage in my life I am reaching out to others and trying to make social connections, it is also a time for internal reflection.  Being me, I seem to be focussing more on the internal reflection part, than the reaching out part.  It's all a process right?  Baby steps, as I have said before.  Actually, now that I really think about it I have been a bit more socially engaged... or at least more socially open than I have been in the past.  Huh.  Good to realize.

That is why it's a good idea to write down a list of one's goals.  Then, at a later point... or even when you are feeling like you are making no progress, you can go back and re-read your list and see that in fact you most likely have made progress.  Even if just baby step.  It reminds me of the idea that I heard years ago about keeping a "prayer journal".  I was part of a "home group" set up by my church for small groupings of people to get together weekly to experience a more personal and interactive experience.  At the close of each meeting we would share our prayer requests, with the idea that we would pray for each other.  I kept a prayer journal for the group, and after a few months went back and found that indeed, most of our prayers were answered in one way or another, at least to some degree.

Anyway to get back on track to what I initially meant to write about... (see how I ramble?  But this is what I meant this writing experience to be about for me... my wandering thoughts. See how I also argue with myself a lot?... ugh)

Anyway, even though I have found myself turning inward to reflection, I realize that I am still "teaching" my girls.  Even though they are teens and young adults, and don't need me in the same way they used to, they still watch and learn from their mother.  But it is different than how they used to view me and my ways... instead of just seeing their mum and seeing me as an authority figure who is all knowing and perfect, they now think for themselves and may or may not agree with my opinions and ways.  Along with their own thought processes, they have friends, teachers, professors, and even Youtube stars helping them analyse the world around them.  I've noticed that they see Youtube stars as almost friends.  That is kinda scary. They can (and do) interact with these stars through adding comments, "friending" them on Facebook and "chatting" when they do livestream stuff. They watch these people going through their daily lives and speaking directly to the camera (read: the viewer) often about personal and/or big matters.  Values, opinions, how to act, what family life is supposed to be like, how to manage your finances, etc.  I trust my girls, and I know they watch youtubers with good values for the most part. They have gravitated towards the youtubers with similar values to ours... humour, family, fun, creativity, appreciation of the small things, health...  But still...

I mean I know that friends and tv etc have always been a huge influences on kids' lives... but now... I guess it's my kids' age and their maturity level that make them open their eyes to my faults.  I dunno what I'm trying to say here...  writing it out, I see it's a good thing.  It's awesome.  I guess my point is that I can't take their respect for granted anymore.  It's got nothing to do with Youtube.  They are emerging young women on the awesome progression towards being independent adults. 

I am grateful for my three beautiful, intelligent, awesome daughters.  I am grateful for their emerging independence.  I am grateful that I can be a part of it.  I am grateful that they respect me and my opinions and truly like me (and I, them).  Actually, I am grateful that they do have these other influences in their lives.  I know I haven't done everything right and that my opinions aren't always the healthiest.  They are taking in all the information around them and digesting it... helping them to formulate their own opinions and ways. 

So, I have come to realize that all this stuff about working on myself and my attitudes etc is also about helping form my daughters' attitudes, dreams and sense of power.  I may have been feeling like it's a time to step aside and let them go, but... they are still here, watching and asking my opinions.  I may have faults, and they may see them more clearly now... but they can also see that I am trying to change... and we can now discuss these new opinions, values and ways logically and critically together.  How awesome is that?!

I Am...

A friend tells me that, when put together, those are the two most powerful words in the english language.  "I am".  When following the principles of "The Secret" it makes total sense. By stating what indeed "I am", I am setting my limits and predetermining my destiny. On a subconscious level I am stating a perceived account, or fact as it were, about myself. 

It's funny, I have always been a big skeptic, but... just say to yourself "I am tired".  Now how do you feel?  Tired, I bet.  Now say "I am happy".  Don't you feel better now?  Weird how it works, but who are we to try to understand the intricacies of the human psyche? 

We can use "I am" statements to kick ourselves in the butt.  Even if you don't feel a certain way, doing this can steer you in a chosen direction.  We can choose our mood, our thoughts and supposedly, our destiny.

• I am happy
• I am a good person
• I am likeable
• I am a great mom
• I am going to contribute financially to my household this year
• I am a good photographer
• I am intelligent

When I am feeling a little insecure or not quite as "up" as I'd like to be I have a harder time saying positive things about myself. When that happens I try really hard not to say negative  "I am" statements. To not put myself down.  Not limit myself. I try to at least say some positive ones... even the most basic ones... like "I am grateful for my kids".

That is one reason keeping a gratitude journal is so helpful in shaping my view.  I just take a few moments at the end of each day to jot down three things that I was grateful for that day.  Even on "bad days" I can always come up with something... I may just have to think a little harder.  "I am grateful that it didn't rain today".  "I am grateful for my cozy sweater".  "I am grateful my kids are healthy".  See how easy it is? 

It isn't necessary to do big "I am" statements.  You don't have to jump directly to "I am going to be a millionaire by the time I am 50" or "I am gorgeous".  You can take baby steps.  Start small.  "I am going to contribute financially"  and "I have pretty eyes".  The Universe knows me.  I can go at my own pace.  With my own style. 

It's funny, since I have started trying to incorporate this stuff into my thinking I found I was having times of... well... a blank mind.  I'd just find myself not thinking about anything.  It's not happening so much anymore but I noticed it a few weeks ago.  I realized after a few days that it was occurring because I was so used to thinking negative things.  Dwelling on negativity. Stewing in it.   Now that I had told myself not to do that anymore, there were empty spaces where those thoughts used to reside.  I laughed when I realized what was happening.

The Bigger Picture...

I feel that there is a thought, or a feeling... or a revelation brewing within my mind... but I need to just sit down and have a moment here to sort it out.  Other things always seem to come first...the busyness of our days. Even though I have pared down my life and keep it pretty simple I still seem to be busy with stuff. The everlasting to-do list. The bottomless list. As a stay-at-home mum other people add to my list too. It is my job after all. So here are a few thoughts, in a few minutes, between... stuff.

As part of this recent journey that I am on I am trying to listen more to inner voices, as well as outer voices whom I would have previously brushed aside. One thing that's been niggling at me led to this need to sort through my thoughts. Just this morning I came to realize that over the last week or so a number of the inspirational emails and apps that I subscribe to, along with some other emails and messages I have received are all coming together to bring me a message.

From my Daily Teachings from The Secret I was told that "Many of us were taught to put ourselves last, and as a consequence we attracted feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. You must change that thinking."  And last night I read an email regarding raising teenagers which stated that teenagers become selfish unless they are encouraged to do more things for themselves. So here I am giving myself a moment today to work on myself.

One quote I read yesterday confirmed nicely what I wrote here in my last blog entry;  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Another; "It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you." (MFG)

That got me thinking... what/who am I hiding from? And why? Why don't I want to be "seen"?

It's crazy... I was watching a dumb show the other day... Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. (disclaimer: The only reason I started watching it is because I went to school with Tracy, who is often on the show.) Garbage one would think, but some good stuff is dealt with in that show. In the episode I watched Gene was going through a pre-marriage bootcamp. One thing the counsellors honed in on was his relationships with his mother and his deceased father. He adored his mother and resented his father. The counsellors made him go through the exercise of forgiving his father. Not for the father's sake but for Gene's sake... and also for his fiance's sake. He had to let go of his anger. We also saw that Gene's attitude towards women was based on how he saw his mother. He put her on a pedestal, as he subsequently does with his fiance. And he sees himself as the bad, hurtful jerk that his dad was. Interesting. It made me realize that I tend to get along with men better than with women because I got along better with my dad. I also have been unable to love myself because I was unloved by my mum and she, I am assuming, doesn't love herself. After the show I thought about this and I quietly, in my own mind (but now I realize, to the Universe) forgave my mum. Since then (I realize now) I have accepted myself more. I am a good person. I am worthy. I deserve to be loved. And I am a likeable person too. I'm kinda neat (cool neat that is, not tidy neat).

So my point is, that since I am finding I like myself more now, I am feeling less of a need to hide. Why not show my true self to the world? Making this blog a public blog was a big step for me. I haven't gone so far as to tell anyone that I know about it... and I'm sure no one other than me has read it... but I'm still showing more of myself than I would have in the past.

The sermon series at church over the last few weeks can be summed up with the message that we don't have to earn God's love, we have it already. And that we don't have to behave perfectly and follow all the right rules, we just have to trust that God is on our side and is leading us somewhere good. Just trust God. Trust the Universe. It's on our side. Even if my mum wasn't on my side, God is. The whole freaking universe is on my side! I can forgive my mum, realize she did the best she could and move on, with the universe holding me up.

I'm sure there's more to this thought branch than I was able to clarify, but I'm glad I got some of it down on paper (well... keyboard).

It's My Time to Shine...

Over the last few years, as my kids have gotten older and taken less of my time and energy, I have started to reach out to others to build a support network.

I have always been a bit shy and stayed in my coccoon with my kids, but now I am lifting my head and realizing I would like more connections. Friends. I know saying I am shy is a limiting statement, but I am now saying I no longer want to be shy. I want to push out of that comfort zone. I want to let others into my life. I want new experiences and new connections. I want friends.

Most of these new friends have been online. I am a bit embarrassed to say this. But it is a start. And it opened my eyes to how rewarding it can feel to have friends. I have always been a bit of a loner. But I am at a place now where I would like more friends.

Through meeting and chatting with these friends I saw myself in a new light. I was seen as Anne instead of just a mom. One friend often would remind me to talk about myself, and not just about my kids. I am a separate entity. I am me. I was also informed that I am intelligent, interesting, insightful, witty and attractive. Who new?!! I sure didn't. But through hearing it from outsiders, over time, I began to absorb some of it. What a great feeling. It gave me confidence. Made me feel better about myself. Made me realize that I had more to offer than I had previously believed. I, Anne, am a likeable and worthwhile person.

I have had a couple of quotes floating around in my head for the last few days, that I knew I wanted to write down here. A few of the many, many things that my new found friends have encouraged me with. The one that has been resounding the loudest lately is;

• "Do something today that will make you shine." I love that one. (It shows up in photographs too.)


• "Get up and dance right now!"


• "Life is Good". I know that is an age old one but one friend keeps telling it to me and telling it to me. He has been a great source of wisdom and strength.


• "Anne, you rock and you know it! Stop being a pussy, stand up and say what you've got to say. I believe."

I know there a more, but those are the ones I have had swirling around in my head lately. It is great when I can hang onto friends like that. Carry the imprint of their hand on my life. Still feeling their support and love. No matter where they are.

My... List...

Ok, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do this... Do I call it a dream list? Or a wish list? Or my goals? Or do I just say "this is what's going to happen to me/with my life"? Or say "this is the way things are"? (which they aren't... but I know I'm supposed to act as if they are.) And am I allowed to "wish" things for other people? Life Optimizer tells me I should say "I deserve or I desire".

So here are some of the things that I desire and that I deserve. This is my ... list:

•have enough money to be able to live the lifestyle I want
•all five of us are happy
•own our own house
•have all our debts paid off
•have two reliable vehicles
•be healthy
•my kids and husband be healthy
•have energy
•be able to tithe (I know... I should anyway)
•be able to afford to go away on vacations
•be able to afford to go away for weekend get-aways
•have a good relationship with my husband
•enjoy spending time with my husband
•my husband enjoy spending time, and talking with me
•my kids have good friends
•my kids meet and marry good men someday
•be 117 lbs
•be able to go running and bike riding and play tennis with ease
•make money with my photography
•buy a really good camera, a good tripod and a zoom lens
•Megan to do well in school and with her learning
•have a flexible and painfree body
•have some friends
•have my diabetes in good control
•be friendly
•be really good at photography
•my girls have great lives and to do well in whatever they put their minds to
•my girls, my husband and me to be happy
•to be confident
•my husband to find and stick with and excel at a business he really enjoys
•pay for my kids' post secondary education
•give my kids some money
•spending time with my grandkids, when I have some
•getting out and meeting people
•all five of us have good laptop computers
•I have the most recent iPhone

Money and health. Those are the big ones. I guess they are for most people.

I can feel what it would be like to have "enough" money. Oh, it feels good. A big relief. A sense of peace. It is nice to be able to shop, and buy, and treat and go whenever I want. Oh that feels good. I can see sunshine and me smiling. Wearing new clothes. Buying stuff for my kids. My husband looking at me as we sit and chat. Seeing the lightness in his face and his smile. Knowing we can go on a trip if and when we want. Going on trips with my family and taking great pictures. Feeling lots of energy and agility and enthusiasm. Welcoming people to our home. Going out for lunch with my sisters or friends. Wow, all that feels so good.

I don't know the specifics of how this is all going to happen, but I understand that I don't need to know that part. Only that it is going to happen. Yay!

I also am unclear about what our house will look like etc. Hmmm...

•about 3000 to 3500 sq ft.
•4 spacious bedrooms with ensuites, on upper floor
•a family room
•big open kitchen with a big island
•lots and lots of windows and light
•good air flow
•a dining room
•an exercise room/ photo studio with good lighting, natural light, a good stereo and tv
•cable tv
•nicely landscaped
•fruit trees and bushes
•private back yard
•a nice deck
•open concept living areas
•a den for my husband
•a den for me where I keep my photo stuff, my desk, my files, my books but I have a laptop so I can work in there or on the kitchen island or whereever I want
•an attached double garage
•behind the garage is another heated area, just as big, as a workshop/ storage area for Ron - with garage doors separating it from the garage - so can back truck up to load up
•a games room with Wii, ping pong, pool table, good stereo, big screen tv

... I guess I wasn't unsure about it at all. Ha. I know what I want and what I like.

Inspiration Leads to Action...

Every morning I read a handful of blogs and newsfeeds. It takes a couple of hours to get through them all and it sometimes feels like a chore, but I always get something positive out of them. This morning I added five new blogs to my reading list. They are inspirational blogs. They look really good. Funny how they showed up just when I'm looking for that sort of thing.

Here is a quote that I liked from one of them...

"Thinking is great. But action makes things happen. One of the biggest differences with people that successfully grow, expand themselves, and reach their goals, is that they consistently take action. Action takes energy though, so where does that energy come from? It comes from within. Inspiration is a powerful force, and inspired action is one of the most powerful ways to motivate yourself. It beats “carrots and sticks.” Carrots and sticks are usually external forms of motivation. Instead, if you inspire yourself, you light your fire from the inside out." (Life Optimizer)

"By having a compelling vision, you have something to shoot for. Now instead of having to “push” yourself to something, you will literally be “pulled” by it. Like a magnet. The more compelling the vision, the stronger the “pull” will be." (LO)

Another good tip is to connect your action to one of your values. For example, I value family. So if I'm having a hard time committing to starting an exercise program, I could think of it as a way to stay healthy for my children, and my future grandchildren.

Ok, I don't want this to turn into me just reading stuff, then spouting it off here. I want it to be about me. My journey. And that's what it still is, I suppose. I am at the learning stage. I am collecting info and thinking about it.

As long as this inspiration leads to action! I can't get stuck in "analysis paralysis". Even just baby steps... as long as they are forward.

More Reminders...

- "Never let a day pass without looking for the good, feeling the good within you, praising, appreciating, blessing, and being grateful. Make it your life commitment, and you will stand in utter awe of what happens in your life." (TS)

- "Faith is trusting in the good. Fear is putting your trust in the bad." (TS)

- "Here is a checklist to make sure you have your receiving channels open: "Do you receive compliments well? Do you receive unexpected gifts easily? Do you accept help when it is offered? Do you accept your meal being paid for by a friend? These are little things, but they will help you know if you are open to receiving. Remember, the Universe is moving through everyone and every circumstance to give to you."(TS)

- "When you are at your weakest, God is strong. When you are down, God can lift you up. When all seems lost, God will help you win. Strength is available when you need it. Believe it, embrace it and rely on it." (GWYTK)

- "All you have to do is trust Jesus." (Rik Watts)

- "The fastest way to receive is to give, because giving starts the reciprocal action of receiving. We all receive according to how much we give. Give the best of you everywhere you go. Give a smile. Give thanks. Give kindness. Give love. Your giving should be a giving without expectation of return - a giving for the sheer joy of it." (TS)

- "Whatever you want to bring into your life, you must GIVE it. Do you want love? Then give it. Do you want appreciation? Then give it. Do you want understanding? Then give it. Do you want joy and happiness? Then give it to others. You have the ability to give so much love, appreciation, understanding, and happiness to so many people every single day!" (TS)

- "There is no past or future for the law of attraction, only the present, so stop referring to your life in the past as very difficult, or full of hardship and pain, or in any other negative way. Remember that the law only operates in the present, so when you speak of your past life negatively the law is receiving your words and sending those things back to you NOW." (TS)

- "You can limit yourself by the story you have created about you. Here are some simple examples of how the story we have created about ourselves can limit us: I am no good at math. I have never been able to dance. I am not a very good writer. I am very stubborn. I don't sleep well. I am very moody. I struggle with my weight. My English is not good. I am always late. I am not a very good driver. I can't see without my glasses. It is hard for me to make friends. Money seems to slip through my fingers. The moment you become aware of what you are saying, you can delete these things and rewrite your story!" (TS)

- "You will know when you have really found true gratitude, because you will become a giver. One who is truly grateful cannot be anything else." (TS)

-" When things change in our life, often we have resistance to the change. But if you understand the structure of the Universe, life, and creation, then you will understand that life is change, and nothing ever stands still. Everything is energy, and energy is in continual motion and change. If energy stood still you would be gone, and there would be no life. Change is always happening for the good of you and for everyone. It is the evolution of life." (TS)

-" When a big change occurs in your life it forces you to change direction. Sometimes the new path may not be easy, but you can be absolutely certain that there is magnificence for you on the new path. You can be absolutely certain that the new path contains things that you could not have experienced otherwise. When we look back at a negative event that occurred in the past, we often see how in fact it transformed our life." (TS)

-" Every human being on the planet wants to be happy. Anything that anyone desires is because they think their desire will make them happy. Whether it is health, money, a loving relationship, material things, accomplishments, a job, or anything at all, the desire for happiness is the bottom line of all of them. But remember that happiness is a state inside of us, and something on the outside can only bring fleeting happiness, because material things are impermanent. Permanent happiness comes from you choosing to be permanently happy. When you choose happiness, then you attract all the happy things as well. The happy things are the icing on the cake, but the cake is happiness." (TS)

-" The Universe is completely and utterly in love with you. No matter how many mistakes you make, no matter where you are in your life, no matter what you think of you, the Universe loves you for all eternity." (TS)

-" You are an electromagnetic being emitting a frequency. Only those things that are on the same frequency as the one you are emitting can come into your experience. Every single person, event, and circumstance in your day is telling you what frequency you are on. If your day is not going well, stop and deliberately change your frequency. If your day is going swimmingly, keep doing what you are doing." (TS)

-" You bring everything to you through the power of your imagination. The power of imagination is not something you have to acquire; you have it already! You think in images, and you use imagination or imaging every single day of your life. When you think about the past you are imagining. When you think about the future you are imagining. And as you imagine and concentrate on anything with feeling, you are bringing it to you. Walk like that now. Talk like that now. Act like that now. Feel the same as that, now. Become as happy as that person, now. Be that person, now! When you become the person in your imagined picture you have shifted yourself to the frequency of your desire, and it must and will appear. Your imagination is showing you precisely the person you need to become." (TS)

-" You can most certainly help others through your thoughts, and they can help you. Every good thought you send to another is a living force. However, the person you are sending the thought to has to be asking for the same thing you are sending. If the person does not want it, then they are not in harmony with your thought frequency, and it will not penetrate them. You cannot create in another's life against their will, but if it is something they want, your thoughts are a real force that helps them." (TS)

-" To help you have the true perspective of creation, no matter how big your desire may seem to you, think of it as the size of a dot! You may want a house, car, vacation, money, the perfect partner, your dream job or children. You may want to receive full health in your body. It doesn't matter what it is you want, think of it as the size of a dot, because for the force of the Universe, what you want is smaller than a dot! If you find your faith wavering, just put a dot in the center of a large circle and next to the dot write the name of your desire. As often as you like, look at your drawing of your dot in the circle, knowing your desire is the size of that dot for the force of the universe!" (TS)

-" Whether you know it or not, today you are placing an order for your tomorrows from the catalogue of the Universe. Your predominant thoughts and feelings today are creating a frequency that is automatically determining your life tomorrow. Feel good now and for the rest of the day, and make your tomorrows magnificent." (TS)

-" Any words you speak have a frequency, and the moment you speak them they are released into the Universe. The law of attraction responds to all frequencies, and so it is also responding to the words that you speak. When you use very strong words, such as "terrible", "shocking" and "horrible" to describe any situation in your life, you are sending out an equally strong frequency, and the law of attraction must respond by bringing that frequency back to you. The law is impersonal, and simply matches your frequency. Do you see how important it is for you to speak strongly about what you want, and not to use strong words about what you don't want?" (TS)

-" Your pain and misery does not help the world. But your joy and your life lived fully uplifts the world." (TS)

-" Money doesn't bring happiness - but happiness brings money." (TS)

-"Recording three things that you’re grateful for each night for a week, researchers found, increased happiness for at least six months afterwards." (Life Optimizer)