My... List...

Ok, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to do this... Do I call it a dream list? Or a wish list? Or my goals? Or do I just say "this is what's going to happen to me/with my life"? Or say "this is the way things are"? (which they aren't... but I know I'm supposed to act as if they are.) And am I allowed to "wish" things for other people? Life Optimizer tells me I should say "I deserve or I desire".

So here are some of the things that I desire and that I deserve. This is my ... list:

•have enough money to be able to live the lifestyle I want
•all five of us are happy
•own our own house
•have all our debts paid off
•have two reliable vehicles
•be healthy
•my kids and husband be healthy
•have energy
•be able to tithe (I know... I should anyway)
•be able to afford to go away on vacations
•be able to afford to go away for weekend get-aways
•have a good relationship with my husband
•enjoy spending time with my husband
•my husband enjoy spending time, and talking with me
•my kids have good friends
•my kids meet and marry good men someday
•be 117 lbs
•be able to go running and bike riding and play tennis with ease
•make money with my photography
•buy a really good camera, a good tripod and a zoom lens
•Megan to do well in school and with her learning
•have a flexible and painfree body
•have some friends
•have my diabetes in good control
•be friendly
•be really good at photography
•my girls have great lives and to do well in whatever they put their minds to
•my girls, my husband and me to be happy
•to be confident
•my husband to find and stick with and excel at a business he really enjoys
•pay for my kids' post secondary education
•give my kids some money
•spending time with my grandkids, when I have some
•getting out and meeting people
•all five of us have good laptop computers
•I have the most recent iPhone

Money and health. Those are the big ones. I guess they are for most people.

I can feel what it would be like to have "enough" money. Oh, it feels good. A big relief. A sense of peace. It is nice to be able to shop, and buy, and treat and go whenever I want. Oh that feels good. I can see sunshine and me smiling. Wearing new clothes. Buying stuff for my kids. My husband looking at me as we sit and chat. Seeing the lightness in his face and his smile. Knowing we can go on a trip if and when we want. Going on trips with my family and taking great pictures. Feeling lots of energy and agility and enthusiasm. Welcoming people to our home. Going out for lunch with my sisters or friends. Wow, all that feels so good.

I don't know the specifics of how this is all going to happen, but I understand that I don't need to know that part. Only that it is going to happen. Yay!

I also am unclear about what our house will look like etc. Hmmm...

•about 3000 to 3500 sq ft.
•4 spacious bedrooms with ensuites, on upper floor
•a family room
•big open kitchen with a big island
•lots and lots of windows and light
•good air flow
•a dining room
•an exercise room/ photo studio with good lighting, natural light, a good stereo and tv
•cable tv
•nicely landscaped
•fruit trees and bushes
•private back yard
•a nice deck
•open concept living areas
•a den for my husband
•a den for me where I keep my photo stuff, my desk, my files, my books but I have a laptop so I can work in there or on the kitchen island or whereever I want
•an attached double garage
•behind the garage is another heated area, just as big, as a workshop/ storage area for Ron - with garage doors separating it from the garage - so can back truck up to load up
•a games room with Wii, ping pong, pool table, good stereo, big screen tv

... I guess I wasn't unsure about it at all. Ha. I know what I want and what I like.

Inspiration Leads to Action...

Every morning I read a handful of blogs and newsfeeds. It takes a couple of hours to get through them all and it sometimes feels like a chore, but I always get something positive out of them. This morning I added five new blogs to my reading list. They are inspirational blogs. They look really good. Funny how they showed up just when I'm looking for that sort of thing.

Here is a quote that I liked from one of them...

"Thinking is great. But action makes things happen. One of the biggest differences with people that successfully grow, expand themselves, and reach their goals, is that they consistently take action. Action takes energy though, so where does that energy come from? It comes from within. Inspiration is a powerful force, and inspired action is one of the most powerful ways to motivate yourself. It beats “carrots and sticks.” Carrots and sticks are usually external forms of motivation. Instead, if you inspire yourself, you light your fire from the inside out." (Life Optimizer)

"By having a compelling vision, you have something to shoot for. Now instead of having to “push” yourself to something, you will literally be “pulled” by it. Like a magnet. The more compelling the vision, the stronger the “pull” will be." (LO)

Another good tip is to connect your action to one of your values. For example, I value family. So if I'm having a hard time committing to starting an exercise program, I could think of it as a way to stay healthy for my children, and my future grandchildren.

Ok, I don't want this to turn into me just reading stuff, then spouting it off here. I want it to be about me. My journey. And that's what it still is, I suppose. I am at the learning stage. I am collecting info and thinking about it.

As long as this inspiration leads to action! I can't get stuck in "analysis paralysis". Even just baby steps... as long as they are forward.

More Reminders...

- "Never let a day pass without looking for the good, feeling the good within you, praising, appreciating, blessing, and being grateful. Make it your life commitment, and you will stand in utter awe of what happens in your life." (TS)

- "Faith is trusting in the good. Fear is putting your trust in the bad." (TS)

- "Here is a checklist to make sure you have your receiving channels open: "Do you receive compliments well? Do you receive unexpected gifts easily? Do you accept help when it is offered? Do you accept your meal being paid for by a friend? These are little things, but they will help you know if you are open to receiving. Remember, the Universe is moving through everyone and every circumstance to give to you."(TS)

- "When you are at your weakest, God is strong. When you are down, God can lift you up. When all seems lost, God will help you win. Strength is available when you need it. Believe it, embrace it and rely on it." (GWYTK)

- "All you have to do is trust Jesus." (Rik Watts)

- "The fastest way to receive is to give, because giving starts the reciprocal action of receiving. We all receive according to how much we give. Give the best of you everywhere you go. Give a smile. Give thanks. Give kindness. Give love. Your giving should be a giving without expectation of return - a giving for the sheer joy of it." (TS)

- "Whatever you want to bring into your life, you must GIVE it. Do you want love? Then give it. Do you want appreciation? Then give it. Do you want understanding? Then give it. Do you want joy and happiness? Then give it to others. You have the ability to give so much love, appreciation, understanding, and happiness to so many people every single day!" (TS)

- "There is no past or future for the law of attraction, only the present, so stop referring to your life in the past as very difficult, or full of hardship and pain, or in any other negative way. Remember that the law only operates in the present, so when you speak of your past life negatively the law is receiving your words and sending those things back to you NOW." (TS)

- "You can limit yourself by the story you have created about you. Here are some simple examples of how the story we have created about ourselves can limit us: I am no good at math. I have never been able to dance. I am not a very good writer. I am very stubborn. I don't sleep well. I am very moody. I struggle with my weight. My English is not good. I am always late. I am not a very good driver. I can't see without my glasses. It is hard for me to make friends. Money seems to slip through my fingers. The moment you become aware of what you are saying, you can delete these things and rewrite your story!" (TS)

- "You will know when you have really found true gratitude, because you will become a giver. One who is truly grateful cannot be anything else." (TS)

-" When things change in our life, often we have resistance to the change. But if you understand the structure of the Universe, life, and creation, then you will understand that life is change, and nothing ever stands still. Everything is energy, and energy is in continual motion and change. If energy stood still you would be gone, and there would be no life. Change is always happening for the good of you and for everyone. It is the evolution of life." (TS)

-" When a big change occurs in your life it forces you to change direction. Sometimes the new path may not be easy, but you can be absolutely certain that there is magnificence for you on the new path. You can be absolutely certain that the new path contains things that you could not have experienced otherwise. When we look back at a negative event that occurred in the past, we often see how in fact it transformed our life." (TS)

-" Every human being on the planet wants to be happy. Anything that anyone desires is because they think their desire will make them happy. Whether it is health, money, a loving relationship, material things, accomplishments, a job, or anything at all, the desire for happiness is the bottom line of all of them. But remember that happiness is a state inside of us, and something on the outside can only bring fleeting happiness, because material things are impermanent. Permanent happiness comes from you choosing to be permanently happy. When you choose happiness, then you attract all the happy things as well. The happy things are the icing on the cake, but the cake is happiness." (TS)

-" The Universe is completely and utterly in love with you. No matter how many mistakes you make, no matter where you are in your life, no matter what you think of you, the Universe loves you for all eternity." (TS)

-" You are an electromagnetic being emitting a frequency. Only those things that are on the same frequency as the one you are emitting can come into your experience. Every single person, event, and circumstance in your day is telling you what frequency you are on. If your day is not going well, stop and deliberately change your frequency. If your day is going swimmingly, keep doing what you are doing." (TS)

-" You bring everything to you through the power of your imagination. The power of imagination is not something you have to acquire; you have it already! You think in images, and you use imagination or imaging every single day of your life. When you think about the past you are imagining. When you think about the future you are imagining. And as you imagine and concentrate on anything with feeling, you are bringing it to you. Walk like that now. Talk like that now. Act like that now. Feel the same as that, now. Become as happy as that person, now. Be that person, now! When you become the person in your imagined picture you have shifted yourself to the frequency of your desire, and it must and will appear. Your imagination is showing you precisely the person you need to become." (TS)

-" You can most certainly help others through your thoughts, and they can help you. Every good thought you send to another is a living force. However, the person you are sending the thought to has to be asking for the same thing you are sending. If the person does not want it, then they are not in harmony with your thought frequency, and it will not penetrate them. You cannot create in another's life against their will, but if it is something they want, your thoughts are a real force that helps them." (TS)

-" To help you have the true perspective of creation, no matter how big your desire may seem to you, think of it as the size of a dot! You may want a house, car, vacation, money, the perfect partner, your dream job or children. You may want to receive full health in your body. It doesn't matter what it is you want, think of it as the size of a dot, because for the force of the Universe, what you want is smaller than a dot! If you find your faith wavering, just put a dot in the center of a large circle and next to the dot write the name of your desire. As often as you like, look at your drawing of your dot in the circle, knowing your desire is the size of that dot for the force of the universe!" (TS)

-" Whether you know it or not, today you are placing an order for your tomorrows from the catalogue of the Universe. Your predominant thoughts and feelings today are creating a frequency that is automatically determining your life tomorrow. Feel good now and for the rest of the day, and make your tomorrows magnificent." (TS)

-" Any words you speak have a frequency, and the moment you speak them they are released into the Universe. The law of attraction responds to all frequencies, and so it is also responding to the words that you speak. When you use very strong words, such as "terrible", "shocking" and "horrible" to describe any situation in your life, you are sending out an equally strong frequency, and the law of attraction must respond by bringing that frequency back to you. The law is impersonal, and simply matches your frequency. Do you see how important it is for you to speak strongly about what you want, and not to use strong words about what you don't want?" (TS)

-" Your pain and misery does not help the world. But your joy and your life lived fully uplifts the world." (TS)

-" Money doesn't bring happiness - but happiness brings money." (TS)

-"Recording three things that you’re grateful for each night for a week, researchers found, increased happiness for at least six months afterwards." (Life Optimizer)

Today is a Good Day!

Today I became a "Professional Photographer"!  Well... kinda.  I got paid for one of my photos!  Kinda.  I mean I have sold some work before, and made money for charity with my photos, but today I finally sold a camera that I had won in a photography contest!  The camera was the prize but I sold it on CL for $300!!  Pretty close to the retail price of it!  I am pretty happy about that.  It's a start.

Also today I got it in my mind that I was going to invite my sisters and their families over for a bonfire/dinner tonight so I cleaned my house and tidied my yard all up.  They can't make it, but that's beside the point.  I cleaned and tidied!  That's a big deal for me.  I was able to do this because my kids are out, being entertained elsewhere.  Usually we go off on adventures together on Saturdays. 

It's also sunny today!  And I have exercised for the last three nights!  Sorry for all the exclamation marks.... just feeling good about these steps.  As one of the previously mentioned quotes says... each day only comes once; try to leave something good in it's place.  Or something like that.  It's a good one.

Oh I read another good quote today... "God doesn't give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need.  To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be".  I was wondering about that... if some of the people that have been in my life were given to me by God... or just a mistake of my own making.  I know I wouldn't be the same person that I am today without them.  And I know that I am a better person for having had them in my life.  Regardless of the hurt.  They seemed like a mistake... but maybe it was God's doing?  Maybe I wasn't straying from his path at all.  Maybe it is the path that I was supposed to take.  Interesting.  Makes me feel better.

Cheerleaders...

I deserve to be happy.  Everyone says so.  Well, I have a few friends who tell me so.  I am grateful for those who say so... and even just think so.  I am grateful for my cheerleaders.  Those quiet, and not so quiet friends who cheer me on.  They help me more than they know.

 I am grateful for those who compliment my photography.  The ones who think I can do something with it.  It builds up, to help me believe it. 

I am thankful for those who cheer me on in the small every day tasks.  Last night I put on my facebook status that I was on the treadmill for the second day in a row.  I had a number of friends cheer me on.  Feels good.  I have to learn to put myself out there more.  I need to show/tell others what I am doing to give them the opportunity to show their support.  I need to realize people are on my side.  No need to be shy.

Ha ha... as I was writing the last sentence I got a notification that one more friend commented on my status. 

Thanks.

What are you so afraid of?

I realize I am a fearful person.  Afraid of what others think, afraid of failure, afraid of losing control, afraid of strong emotion, afraid of confrontation.  It has held me back a lot in my life.  All of these fears.

I am diabetic, so my fears of being somewhere and running into blood sugar issues is a legitimate concern, but also one that can be dealt with with good preplanning.  I know my body pretty well.  Things can happen unexpectedly but I should be able to cover those, again, with preplanning.

Ok... so who cares what others think?  Really I don't, now that I think about it.  And no one else really cares if I fail at something.  Is that fear really a good reason to avoid even starting in the first place?  The next three previously mentioned fears probably are a result of past experiences but they have led to the point of me avoiding many situations or resolving issues that really should be faced.  Not really serving my best interest. Hmmm.... thinking about it I am afraid of confrontation in certain areas of my life because I know they would lead to anxiety.

I guess that's a big thing for me.  I'm scared of feeling anxious.  I just want to be happy.  So I have simplified my life and my interactions to avoid anxiety. To the point that my life is very limited and predictable.  I'm no kook... I just am not living my life to the extent that I, and those around me deserve.  Ok... I am also afraid of change.  Confrontation and openness would lead to change most likely.  I'd have to step out of my comfort zone.  My little coccoon.  My box. Hmmm...

How does this relate to gratitude?  Hmmm... I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I want to feel more control in my life.  I have heard that one can determine how their life goes... they can think it into existence.  I have always blown that off as being... umm... dishonest?  Ungenuine?  Not facing the truth or the facts in front of you and living a dellusional smiley fluffy headed existence.  But ya know... what if it works?  They say it does.  In a way it's what I've already been doing by avoiding looking at the painful parts of my life.  Is it the same thing?  Or is it different? 

Am I aiming for happiness over truth?  Is that what everyone is doing?  Is that what we should be doing?  Or is that what has led to the economical state of the world today?

I get a giddy feeling every once in a while that if I focus on the happy stuff and the stuff I am grateful for ... then I will feel good... and that leads to energy and confidence... and that leads to action... which leads to results!  So if we (read: I) control our thoughts that will in hand control our emotions... and the rest will just follow.  Oh I hope so.  And I hope I can not get hit by a bad day (grey, or hormonal, or from something external happening, or from not feeling well, etc) and give it all up.

I have always believed that if one has an emotion they should just experience it... let it happen and it will pass when it is over.  I remember having a discussion about this with a man about 15 years ago... before all this power of positive thinking stuff had gone mainstream.  He said that no, you shouldn't dwell on your feelings, you should push past them, supress them and get on with it.  Maybe he was onto something. 

I know that since starting this blog/journal I have been feeling better.  I am not as judgemental or negative (not perfect of course, but I hope to improve).  I keep feeling like I need to say "so I hope all those other feelings don't come back and I don't just slip back"... but isn't this about taking control?!  I should not (read: am not) going to let that happen.

So... here I stand (sit really) grateful for where, and who I am today.  Recently I decided that I do like myself.  And that I'm not a bad person.  I've just let myself slip and fade away. 

No more.  I am me.  I am good.  I am nice.  I am healthy.  I have a good life.  I have great kids.  God made me the way I am way for a reason.  He made me a perfect me... with the world and life spread out in front of me for me to experience and enjoy.  Exciting stuff, huh?!  It is!  All the possibilities! I was going to say "where is life going to lead me?"  But I guess the real question is where shall I lead my life? 

I have never been good at making decisions... or knowing what I want I guess.  I'm sure again, that is tied to my past, but the cause is not the issue.  That's over and done with.  I have the power to choose now.  Hmmm... mind boggling.  No it's not!  That is defeatist attitude... saying my mind can't handle it.  It all starts with baby steps.  Small decisions...I don't have to make the big decisions now.  Focus on the now... on the good stuff in the now.  "Bloom where you are planted" as the fridge magnet my daughter made me 10 or so years ago says.  The past is over and unchangeable, the future is unknown but the here and now is the "present"!  It's the only thing any of us can work with.

So as you can see I tend to blab on and on.  But writing things down like this helps me.  It helps me to lay my thoughts out on the table, as it were.  Clears the cobwebs.  I suppose it also is a way to hold myself accountable. 

I have no idea if anyone else is reading this.  If you are, I hope my ramblings help you in some way, or at least make you think.  I know they are helping me.  If you have any input or feedback I'd love to hear from you.

Let's Start With The Obvious...

Things I'm grateful for:

My kids
My health
My eyesight
My mind
My husband
A roof over my head
Food on the table
God
Music
My parents and siblings
My past
People who love me
People who loved me in the past
Doctors who have helped me
Wine
The internet
Laughter
Nature
Trees
Sunshine
My photography eye
My photography skills
The sound of rain
My kid's love for me

Me