A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

A Summer of Growing...

Hey I'm back!  Sorry for the "absence".  Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way.  Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?"  

I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...

So my kids were all away for ten days in early July.  I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years!  And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude.  Essentially I was saying "I don't wanna grow up", even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.

Well, you know what happened?  I grew up!  I did... and I quite like it.  I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day.  When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not.  I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though.  I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless.  

Another thing happended while my kids were away;  My husband and I reconnected!  That surprised me.  He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times.  We talked.  We spent time together.  We had fun together.  And actually, we continue to do so.  It's like we are starting from the here and now.  Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.

My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc.  Now he has started doing the same thing!  And he is feeling much better about himself.  He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me.  And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money.  He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen.  But now they work together and are buddies.  He is getting back to being the man who I married;  Albiet a wiser version.  He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic.  I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is?  I know I certainly am not. 

While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time.  I came to enjoy the freedom.  If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly.  I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere.  I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day.  I had some tender areas for a few days after.) 

Then my kids came home.  Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do.  I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere fun and new each day.  I often just wanted to get my errands done.  Now that I have had a taste of growing up I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it.  And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what.  (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).

Yes I want to still be a great mom.  And I am.  And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what.  And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes.  But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list).  And, I want to become the best possible Me I can become.  To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being.  Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife.  

Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing.  I didn't notice it at first.  After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends.  I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave.  But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking.  Now people even approach me to chat!  It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.)  I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.

So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago.  She was away for four months.  If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long.  However we are both still alive and well. We made it.  Another step in the journey, for both of us.  She seems pretty much the same as when she left.  Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing.  Four months went by with her out of my sight.  I don't know a lot of what went on.  That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go.  But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers.  She is a good kid.  And she still is.  And she still loves me.  And I still love her.  But we are both a little bit more independent now.  I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return.  It's all for the good though. For all of us.

What Now?

I guess it's like being laid off from a job that you've had for a long time. Being "let go". Made redundant. Whether you are ready or not, it is your new reality. I suppose some would say it's more like retirement. You know it's coming. Some would say that you have "earned" it, as if it something to look forward to. And I'm sure many do! I'm sure many people have lists and lists of plans and things that they have been putting on the back burner, until they have time to themselves.

Perhaps all these years, while my girls have been growing and maturing and developing strong feathers to carry them as they fly from the nest, I was just too busy enjoying it all. As I have heard; "the days are long, but the years are short." Maybe I was supposed to be doing some growing up too.

Okay, I'm whining. Today is the first day of my premature childlessness. As I have told you, my middle daughter has moved away for the summer (and is having a marvelous time might I add. Making lots of money, working hard, learning to wake surf and sail, enjoying the company of her best friend and her boyfriend and learning from her own mistakes and successes). But today my other two girls left on a ten day trip. And I do have lists of plans and ideas. I do. And I hope to accomplish them... well some of them at least. But I am wallowing right now. The weather isn't making me feel much better though. We have been having a chilly, grey and wet summer so far. Lets face it... rain is like tears and sunshine is like smiles. and here on the west coast of Canada we get more rain than sun. What the heck am I doing here?! "Bloom where you are planted", right? Find gratitude and happiness where ever you be. Okay. I'll do that. And I do. Really I do. But the rain and grey do encourage moody, internal reflection and contemplation rather than outdoor, external type activities. Maybe that's just me though. I dunno. Excuses, excuses.

A realization I made last time I wrote (but forgot to get around to mentioning) is that I am a social person, even though I am shy and introverted. Go figure. I love having good times with other people. I love chatting and discussing and laughing and sharing. And with my girls readily available I have someone to do that with, basically 24/7. My husband is not a talker. At all. He sometimes tells me things about work, but doesn't like me asking questions or giving my opinion. He looks totally annoyed if I do and will often cut the conversation short, acting as if I have interrupted him. But if you know me at all you know that's what I do...I ask questions. I give my opinion. And no, I am not challenging him on what he is saying or picking fights or being judgemental... I am just trying to have a conversation. But over time I have learned (though I occassionally slip up) to just listen to him and either agree or keep my mouth shut. I don't mean to be complaining here. I am just trying to explain why it feels so lonely when my girls are gone. I'm not ready to be quiet yet. My husband also doesn't enjoy the things I like to do. He won't go for walks or to street festivals or art shows etc. He would never just sit on a beach, especially if it's raining. He hates the style of music that I like. And he doesn't "get" my photography or poetry. So I have stopped showing him. Lately I have been trying a new technique with my photography. I call it "Photo Art". My daughter calls it "Phart". When I showed my favourite piece to my husband he pulled his head back and said "Ew. It gives me a headache." Hmmm. I guess I am complaining. I don't like to do that, but I just want you to understand my life. I am very grateful for him though for many reasons. Perhaps I will devote another post to saying good things about him. I will post a "Phart" piece with this post. On facebook I have been getting wonderful feedback on them, and someone even asked me to blow one up for him and sell it to him!

So something I have learned is that I just have to believe in myself. Figure out who I am and what I like and what I enjoy and just go ahead and do it! Life is too short, not to enjoy it or to hold back in fear of offending someone. Spend time doing things that make you feel good. Be with people who accept you as you are. So that is how I have been living my last few years. Being me, instead of just my husband's wife. I lived like that for years. But now that my girls are stepping away... I am left trying to figure out what to do with myself (as I said in my last post). I don't think I would say that I have gone from merely being "my husband's wife" to being "my children's mother". I am definitely me. I just hang out with my girls a lot and we enjoy each others company and are a lot alike. Hmmm. It's not who I am (?) but it's how I spend my time. (I'll have to think about that).

Anyway, Just thought I'd check in here. The start of my trial period. My premature (practice) retirement. Wish me luck! (I'd love to hear from you.)

Time to Pause and Reflect...

I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life.  Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.

Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up.  We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc.  And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.

I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself.  I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own?  Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady?  I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that.  I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.

For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it.  I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done.  I'm not sure what I will do.  I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way.  I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing.  And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh).  I am going to have to make an effort to go out.  I will probably get together with my sisters a few times.  I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff. 

When I was in university it was a very social time for me.  I loved it.  Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people.  Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university.  I moved by myself and lived by myself.  I had to learn to be my own best friend.  I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood.  And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did  touristy things, etc. 

I am comfortable being by myself.  Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird".  I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself.  I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt.  I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company.  (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)

Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with.  I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new.  Hmmm.  Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further.  Hmmm.  Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years.  Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm.  

Stuff to think about for sure.

So Delicate...

A delicate flower...

Soft pink and fragrant

with translucent petals,

that demurely glow

when touched by sunlight.

The flower's stamen (or is it pistol, I don't even know)

protruding from the centre of the flower

with tiny specks of pollen

precariously clinging to it.

It blows my mind...

it sits there quietly;

so fragile

so seemingly insignificant,

so unobtrusive or demanding...

on the brink of destruction.

So beautiful and so fragile.

Yet it serves a purpose.

It's a part of the ecosystem...

the grand scheme as it were.

It bobs along in the wind

beautiful and perfect

emanating happiness and... actually, faith.

We too are intricately designed.

Beautiful and fragile.

Complex and precarious.

So much... effort, or design, or...thought

in each living thing.

Yet, life is so easily taken away.

We too are part of the bigger picture.

We too have a purpose.

Each of us.

However It is not ours for understanding

or for worrying about.

It is ours to hold,

to cherish,

to trust,

to rest in

and to be thankful.

Mother's Day...

Well I just spent 2 hours writing an emotional post, but it didn't save.  Ugh.

The gist... Em is moving away for three and a half months on Sunday.  My other two girls left on a camping trip today.  It was very sad to watch them say goodbye. Hard for me to say goodbye.

Time for me to grow up and get a life.  Ready or not.

Happy Mother's Day.

Nesting Instinct...

    My Shadow 

When she was young

She was my shadow.

She would stay close

Hold my hand

Cling to me. 

As she grew

Time passed.

My shadow shifted

Moving from behind me

To beside me.

We would walk along

Side by side

My shadow and me. 

More time passed

She grew some more.

Taller than me now.

Faster than me.

She is now in front

Leading me

While I tag along

Behind

Reaching for her hand. 

Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here.  I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long.   'Nuff of that.

An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go.  Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids.  They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go. 

A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong.  When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be.  But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages.  When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings.  I was learning life lessons and building memories.

A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together.  I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe.  We actually have lots of fun together.  My parents were much more distant and detatched.  They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was.  And they never asked! 

So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios?  I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin.  I know what to expect.  But how do I align that with my own feelings?  I tend to be more emotional than intellectual. 

Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with.  My parents just didn't offer that.  Our relationship didn't offer that.  I had no one to ask for advice.  No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug.  I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go.  I never want children to feel alone or uncared for. 

I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old.  Then her dad died when she was 20.  She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own.  She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless.  She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one.  They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations.  So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on.  I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.

So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood.  Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage.  Aha!  I said it.  I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together.  I know, I sound pitiful.  When I got married my husband was my best friend.  Then we had kids.  Having three kids in five years was a lot of work.  It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me.  Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends.  I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself.  

Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel.  I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go.  So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am.  Me.  Anne. Who am I??  What do I enjoy?  What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future?  My dreams... not anyone elses.  What do I want?

Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown.  So far I've been good at being a mom.  So what now?  Was I hiding behind my kids?  And before that was I hiding behind my husband?  At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me.  I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.

Back to the issue of letting go of my kids...  I gotta do it.  I know I do.  It's the natural evolution of things.  I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection.  I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision...  My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands.  We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough.  They still ask my advice.  Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons.  I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint.  I support them emotionally with love.  I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (I hope I can do that) and just trust them.  They are good, smart kids.  They will be good smart adults.  I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.

Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it.  God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some interesting memories.  Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me.  There's the rub.  It's my problem... I can't make it theirs.  I also can't let it ruin our relationship.

Just let them go Anne.  In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (not only when I am ready).  It's gotta be about them.  Not about me.  It's their turn.  Time to spread their wings and soar!