Loosening Up...

"I've been noticing how easy it is to walk through life with clenched fists, trying to hold on to things we're afraid to lose ... but with clenched fists we can neither give nor receive." ~ J.B.

This is a quote a friend posted on facebook a few months ago.  I find I have been thinking about it a fair bit.  I realized I do that... when I tune into myself I realize I often have gently clenched fists.  Huh.  Perhaps I am trying to "hold on".  To maintain my privacy? To stay inside of myself instead of opening myself to my surroundings?  Hmmm.

For the last couple of years I have had trouble with my shoulders.  Frozen shoulder; which causes a restricted range of motion and pain.  The doctors, physios and literature say that frozen shoulder will just "undo" itself after 1 to 3 years.  Since reading this quote I am wondering if being tense and "clenched" is one of the causes of this.  Part of it of course is more of a symptom... I clench my shoulders to avoid pain.  At this point I don't know which came first, the tension or the injury. Hmm.  The pain started after we moved into the house we are in now.  I assumed (and so does my sports medicine doctor) that it occurred because I stopped lifting weights after we moved... I have a big Bowflex kind of thing that I used to work out on regularly, mainly working my arms and shoulders.  But to move the machine, it was disassembled and my husband never found the time to reassemble it after the move (I tried but it was too complex). 

The reason we moved was because we had to sell our house that we loved and had been living in for 12 years. The economic downturn hitting the country affected our business negatively and we lost pretty much everything.  So ya, that caused me stress.  It stressed our finances, our marriage and our children.  Hey!  Maybe subconsciously I am clenching my fists and shoulders to "hold on" to what we have left.  Our posessions. Our marriage.  My sanity.

So getting back to JB's quote, all this "holding on" has been restricting my flow of energy, not only within my body but with my surroundings as well.  Since reading that quote a few months ago I have been making a conscious effort to release my shoulders and hands whenever I become aware of tension.  It has helped!  My left shoulder seems to be releasing.  Halleluiah!  I was dreading going back to see my sports medicine doctor because he says that the next option is surgery, if they don't release on their own.  Yikes.  But now I am excited to go back and see him tomorrow so he can measure the improvement.

Also helping with tension release, over the last couple of years I have been working on finding joy and beauty in my world. It has been amazing actually.  I won't go on about it now though because if you have read this far I'm sure you are ready for this post to come to a close.  I should write a post about a dream I had about all this once.  Oh, and about my theories about dream analysis too.  Ha ha.  Getting ahead of myself.  Hush now.

So in summary; let go of your tension.  Do it now... take a deep breath... lower your shoulders, shake out your hands... look around the room.  There.  Now get on with your day and enjoy your surroundings.

Opening Gifts...

Wow, it feels like forever since I've written here.  Or written at all really... I mean, sat and had time to be in my own headspace.  I'm out of the habit.  I keep thinking about my to do list and things I need to get done this week, now that I finally get some time to myself.  My kids are all back in school, but with two in university their schedules are all over the place, with days off and one class per day some days.  Ok... shake it off... here and now... I have time alone... it's quiet... I know I need to start the laundry... shhh... hush...

Over the holidays I was surprised to find I felt down some days. And a bit short tempered on some.  It could be because I didn't get my alone time. It could be all the expectations tied to the holidays... entertaining, baking, shopping, decorating, house guests, etc.  Thinking back I really enjoyed most of that.  I do know though that I get stressed when we have house guests.  Not just the cleaning or the cooking or the hosting and entertaining... it's the pressure to be "on" all the time.  To be chatty and social and witty etc. 

I am an introvert. And introverts get their energy from being alone, whereas extroverts get their energy from being around other people.  The rest of my immediate family is pretty much introverted as well... with the exception of enjoying spending time together.  I was going to say that perhaps sharing our genetics, our blood, that that predisposes us to feeling that we are part of a shared unit.  But I sure don't feel that way with my bro and sis's.  In a way it is more relaxing to spend time with strangers or aquaintances than with my siblings or my mother.  Extended family members come with an intimacy (even though we are not very close) that allows them to judge and question and comment on me and my life, that others don't.  Or maybe I just feel judged and compared and measured. Hmmm.

One of my daughter's is a bit more extroverted than the rest of us. She is the first of my daughter's to have a boyfriend.  It is a new experience for all of us.  She is a good kid with a level head and so I don't worry about her (after a few reassuring talks we've had, that is).  Her boyfriend however doesn't live nearby.  They live a ferry ride (about 4 hour trip door to door) apart.  I won't get into how they met but the majority of their relationship since meeting is carried out via text and skype.  He is a nice boy and we get along really well.  (The girls have always told each other that they all have to approve of each other's boyfriends/husbands... and luckily this one fits).  But anyway, this boy came to visit over the holidays.  He stayed 6 days.  It was only supposed to be for 4 days but my daughter talked me into allowing an extended visit.  Then as soon as he left, actually even before, that same daughter had a friend over who prefers being at our house to being at her own.  So she comes over, or they go out together... but she always stays until 10 or 11 pm.  She just sits down at the dinner table at dinner time, helps herself to food in the kitchen whenever she wants... makes herself quite at home.  (Oh dear, I'm getting worked up and whining... ugh). 

My point is, I am grateful that my daughter's have friends, and that they are really great kids.  I am grateful that we all like the majority of their friends.  I am grateful that they feel comfortable at our house and feel welcome.  I am grateful that they like me as a person and don't just see me as a typical mom.  They think I'm cool and like going on outings with me.  I am blessed that my kids love hanging out with me and we have tons of fun together... and I guess it is a compliment when their friends envy us and want to join us.  I know that including them is the good "christian" thing to do. 

Over the years we have had a number of friends like this.  Friends of my three daughters who latch on to us and spend a lot of time with us.  One such friend was a boy who was was in foster care and wasn't happy in his foster home.  He would drop by just before dinner most nights and we would just set a plate for him and take smaller portions.  He also would sleep over at our house two or three nights a week (of course getting permission from his foster mom).  He kept a number of items at our house (we were in a bigger house then).  We took him with us on our outings... he probably would never have a chance to go to many of the places we took him otherwise.  Another friend who, years later, frequently joined us on out outings, later said that the times he spent with us were the happiest times of his life.

So I guess where this is going (I never know until I start writing... or even what topic I'm going to ramble about) is to realize for myself that it is a good thing to put my own introversion aside and to welcome these people with open arms into our/my life.  My psychology background makes me empathize with these kids (well, some are in their 20's).  Some of them open up to me.  One girl said she felt more comfortable talking to me than to her own mother.  Not to sound boastful, but I suppose I was given a gift (many, if you include my car, my home, my children, the food I can provide, my freedom to go on outings, etc) and I should use my gift unselfishly.  Gifts are meant to be shared.  Comfort zones sometimes need to be breached. 

So, this isn't at all what I thought I was going to write about today.  I had a few other ideas brewing, but I find this free flow is the best way for me.  Perhaps it gets out what needs to get out.

Now to tackle the laundry.

Tis the Season...

I keep trying to think of a way to say what I've been thinking about lately.  But since it's Christmas holidays and the kids are home and I am busy with all sorts of preparations, I have been unable to find the time to have my head space to myself.

I love having everyone home and getting to do stuff altogether... Even just hanging out in our jammies doing a jigsaw puzzle. That is what I love most about the Christmas season.

Lately I have been trying to work through some stuff in my head. Stuff about friends and letting go.  But I only get bits and pieces of time and headspace. I work better when I can focus in silence. I guess it can wait. Perhaps if it just bounces around in my head long enough it will somehow sort itself out.

I just wanted to put something down here so that you know I am still thinking about all this stuff, and am still on my journey.  Sorry for the confusion and neglect. All is good. Tis the season to be grateful. And I am.

Sands of Time...

 

All around us

Every day

Every moment....

Can you feel it?

Can you see it,

Taste it,

Smell it?

This world

So sensual.

So beautiful.

Even the minute details of minute things.

I close my eyes

Rest my head back...

I feel the wind caress my body

The scent of the ocean fills my nostrils.

I can hear children squealing with laughter,

Boats motor past.

Reminiscent of childhood summers lazing at the beach

with not a care in the world.

I have cares now

And worries

But I also have children.

And I will always have the beach.

I keep coming back

Just as the waves

Keep coming back to shore.

I come back with the next generation

Helping to build their memory bank,

Fill their souls

with sounds and smells that they will carry with them

Forever. 

"Would You Tell Me Please..."

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." ~ Colette

"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself." ~ Thomas Merton

"Everybody else has a script for your life that they want you to live.  The most important thing you can do is write your own.  People will get mad.  Do it anyways."  ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"Somewhere along the line, "nice" becomes a goal. We become embroiled in the sea of sameness as we waddle towards the central line of mediocrity." ~ Blog of Impossible Things

"The best we can do is to be the very best version of ourselves - in all our imperfect glory.  To love all of our mistakes, all of our blemishes, and all of our fears.  They are the very things that propel us forward and keep it interesting.  After all, there is no one else exactly like me." ~ Ingrid Mathieu

 "What is within you crying out to be birthed into the world right now? What talent do you have that is ready to be used? What project have you been endlessly thinking about that is ready to be birthed into physical reality? And what dreams do you have for this precious planet?" ~ GWYTK

Hmmm... interesting. Reading over the quotes that I have been collecting over the last week or so, once again, a common thread, or theme was evident.  A message I need to hear I guess. Above are some of those quotes.  Oh, and here's one more that ties in...

 "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on." ~ Positivity Blog

My background in psychology wants me to figure out why I have always had low self esteem.  And why I am shy. But I suppose that the past doesn't matter, right?  It's what I do today that matters.  And today, it seems like the universe is trying to tell me that I am ok as I am.  I am a worthy and interesting individual.  Period. 

 A few days ago I was on facebook and an old high school friend popped up to chat with me.  Well, I can hardly call him a friend because he was more of a crush that I had, and being the shy teenager that I was I barely even ever spoke with him. In the course of our conversation he said something about me always being clever.  He also said that he wished that he had walked home from school with me, but he was too shy back then.  I never even knew he noticed me, let alone thought I was clever or had considered walking with me!  And I was always clever?  Since when?  I never knew I spoke enough to give that impression.  Interesting.  Okay... the psychologist in me is saying that when I was in high school I was living at home with my family, and I never felt like I measured up with them.  I didn't see myself as clever... but perhaps I was!  and perhaps it was evident to others.  (Oh man... this stream of consciousness rambling is leading me on tangents left and right...anyway... carry on...) Not sure why I brought this up... I'm sure there is a reason. It does tie in the first quote above. And also with the idea of the consistent core self.

 At  a number of points in my life I have had the urge to step outside of myself to see how I appear to others.  To just know the "truth".  Am I attractive or not?  Am I smart or not?  Am I fat or not?  Someone please tell me!  But now I am seeing that...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." (William Shakespeare).

Getting back to the quotes above....  I am beginning to realize that I am a person that I like.  I like who I am.  The basics.  The core me. And I like that I don't just try to be like everyone else and that I don't worry about ticking people off by sticking to my own principles. But, so okay... what now?  As the last quote asks, what dreams do I have for my future? What part of me do I want to develop further?  What are my hidden desires and life goals?  That's where I draw a blank.  My inner psychologist wonders if it's from being a middle child and being bossed around by my older and more dazzling siblings, that I can't come up with any dreams of my own. Now my analytical self is telling me to stick with the present...stay in the here and now (fighting with myself again... ugh). 

Back when I was in university and was trying to figure out what to do with my life my dad sent me a quote by mail (Ah, that's where I get my love of quotes from...).  It was from Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland...

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
Alice: …so long as I get somewhere.
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.

So I suppose my next step is to figure out what I want.  I just found out that who I want to be is who I already am.  It only took me 47 years to figure that one out!

So I'll take small steps... I know I want to be healthy and happy... I know I want money... I know I want to travel...  I know I enjoy photography... I know I have a passion to write...

For me a big thing is confidence and squashing my fears.  Believing in myself.  Knowing I can do it.  Another step to take I suppose.  Onward and upward.

I Am Thankful...

It's American Thanksgiving today.  I am Canadian and we had our Thanksgiving last month.  But regardless of the date these days remind us to be thankful and to reflect on blessings in our life. 

On Canadian Thanksgiving I was busy preparing the big family feast and creating the festive atmosphere in my home.  Today instead I find I am able to sit back and enjoy the energy of the season from a more detatched vantage point.  American Thanksgiving feels like the beginning of the full blown pre-Christmas season.  Knowing my American friends are having family gatherings and enjoying a long weekend is a vicariously warm feeling. 

I am thankful for my friends, new and old.  For lessons I have learned.  For the blessing of each new day (sorry to sound corny, but I am!). For my family and my home. For my health, and that of those I love.

Oh... I could put it this way...

 "For this day and it's light.

For rest and shelter through the night.

For health and food,

love, family and friends.

For every gift your goodness sends,

I thank you Lord.

Amen."

Ralph Waldo Emerson              

I Need Constant Reminders...

 I put quotes here in my blog that resonate with me personally.  I find I often need reminders and boosts and kicks in the butt.  I am on a journey... and this blog documents my ongoing struggle with learning new  thought processes and methods of living my daily life.  It ain't all that easy to teach old dogs new tricks.  I like what I read online the other day in The Positivity Blog; "It's not about life being perfect or positive or awesome all the time. That is just perfectionism rearing its ugly head. It is about replacing unhelpful habits with better ones. It is about raising the percentages of times where you can handle things in a better way both in your everyday life and when big things happen. But there are still natural valleys and peaks in life. And a bad day will sometimes just be a bad day. And that is OK. That’s life."

 I found I was avoiding writing here when I was feeling down or negative. But I have to remind myself, the focus of this blog is not only optimism and sharing of knowledge... it is my journey.  My journal.  My cognitive internal ramblings.  My struggle, along with my true desire to be a better and happier me.

•  "Of all the gifts you can give a friend, the truthful sharing of who you are, and where you are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is the most beautiful and valuable gift of all. It’s this honest sharing that serves as the thread that sews a friendship into the warm quilt it can be, to wrap around you when life feels cold and unforgiving." ~ by Sandra Kring

• "The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~ Bob Moawad 

• "You can TURN OFF the sun but I'm still gonna SHINE." ~ PO

• "I CHOOSE...to live by choice, not by chance; to make changes, not excuses; to be motivated, not manipulated; to be useful, not used; to excel, not compete. I choose self-esteem, not self-pity. I choose to listen to my inner voice, not the random opinion of others." ~ PO

• "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." ~ Maria Robinson

• "It's not who you are that holds you back. It is who you think you are not." ~ PO

• "Be with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are." ~ PO

• "Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." ~ Frank A. Clark

• "Don't sweat someone else getting a gold... go for your own!" ~ TS

• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." ~ Mark Twain

• "What vibe are you giving off?" ~TS

• "Your job is you and only you. When you are working in harmony with the law, no-one can come between you and the Universe. However if you think another person can get in the way of what you want, then you have done a flip to the negative. Focus on creating what you want." ~ TS

• "You are the center of divine operation in your life, and your partner is the Universe. No one can get in the way of your creation." ~ TS

• "Stop feeding whatever's bugging you and it will fly away." ~PO

• "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." ~ Dr Martin Luther King Jr

• "On days when you feel like a motherless child, go outside. Feel the wind stroke your hair like a good mother should, and let the sun kiss your cheeks and warm you. Then sit on the ground as if it were her lap, and tell your troubles to the good Mother Earth who feeds you." ~ Sandra Kring

• "Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us." ~ Earl Nightingale

• "I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ by Diane Ackerman

• "Good thoughts and actions always produce good results, sometimes in unusual ways. Just focus on doing what you can, and leave the results up to God." ~PO

• "Your pain and sorrow can in retrospect be a gift. Your sorrow expands the spectrum of human experience, understanding and emotions for you. You become more grateful because of your sorrow. The sorrow carves deeper. And the deeper it carves, the more joy you will also be able to contain. The sad times make the happy times even sweeter." ~ The Positivity  

• "When I have a pessimistic mood or low energy or no motivation or all of them then that can help me to think in new ways about things. My lowest days often turn out to be some of my most creative days.  The bad day may not feel good, but I know that it often will bring me positive things." ~ The Positivity Blog