Clickety-clack, Clickety-clack...

To get up to speed: Ok, so now my youngest is away and the other two are back, and I work two days a week at my husband's business.

So, yeah, I am still alive and haven't imploded with worry. Things are fine. After some initial panic and terror and regret (all hers, not mine) and tearful calls back home, my youngest is now happy and doing well on the other side of the world. I was the one saying "no, you didn't make a mistake. You are where you need to be and you are fine. Give it time." She has been gone for two months.

Oh, I need to insert a funny story here; just to share a mom story. After my daughter landed at her destination after a gruelling 2 days of flights and layovers in foreign countries, she was messaging me in the middle of the night (her daytime) in tears saying she was nauseous and couldn't eat and was scared and having panic attacks etc. Then my other daughter who was still travelling, was on a boat in SE Asia and had bad diarrhea. She had had it for 2 days. They didn't want to pay for a cabin for the 3 day long journey so were sleeping on deck, on the floor. It was pouring rain. Now her travel companion was starting to throw up and have diarrhea as well, and "Mum, what should we do?" Then my oldest daughter was getting upset with me because I wasn't listening attentively enough to her while she cried to me about problems with her friends. I handled it though. I got this. I kept my cool, as we Mum's do, and gave each of them the attention and advice that they needed. Crises averted.

But now all is calm. For now at least. My youngest is settling down to find a job and a place to live while my other two are settling back into working life back home and thinking of their next big adventures. My youngest doesn't communicate with me as much as I'd like. But I can't ask for more. I knew she'd be like that even though she swore she wouldn't be. But she's happy and safe, and that's what matters.

So, back to me now. Letting go. That's still what it's all about. That's still my job at this point. Train them, then trust them, then let them go. Trust the universe. Trust that I've done my job right.

I had a realization this morning that I wanted to write about. I guess I had assumed that travelling as my middle daughter did, for three months in countries very different than our own, that she would come back a changed person. More worldly. More... compassionate. Full of introspection and realizations about herself and the world. But she didn't really. If anything (how do I say this in a kind way?) she came back more egocentric and more judgemental than she was before. Just a slight shift. And skyping with my youngest last night I saw the same thing in her. Maybe not the judgemental thing but definitely the egocentricity. At first I saw that negatively and was caught off guard by it, but after mulling it over I realized that it's is perfectly natural and to be expected. It is the pulling away from family; going from Us to Me. From being part of a group to being an individual. From having to take consideration of others to just having to consider oneself. It's all good. Letting go. They are, and so am I. Then reflecting more, I realized that I too must be going through the same process. Less having to consider the needs of the many and just having to consider myself, in many situations. We are all in transition. All on a journey. All trying to figure out who we are, what we like and what we want in life and our future, and then confidently saying to the world "This is who I am".

It's about giving each other space. Yes, letting go, but also keeping the channels open. Moving on and forward, but not burning bridges or slamming doors behind you.

A New Normal...

I sit here. Alone.

 At a place where I used to come with you.

It's the same... but different.

Still my "happy place", but now tinged with sadness.

But that's ok. My new reality.

You would enjoy this. You always did. 

After a while I won't think that way anymore. 

I will just enjoy it on my own. In my own way.

I won't save shells for you, or comment on oddly shaped driftwood. 

No one to tell it to. To share it with.

But that's ok.

I still like it here. 

I hesitated to come though. All this way; such a long drive, just for me. 

But it's what my soul craved. Needed.

The ocean. The wind. The dunes.

Soon I will bring my camera again. After I get past feeling that my photos lack interest if a loved one isn't in them.

My urge to take pictures will return. 

New sights will catch my eye. New subject matter.

And that's ok. 

A new normal.

Holes...

I hurt. 

A piece of me is gone. 

I don't like this feeling.

My body is tearing away.  Piece by piece.

Leaving holes.

That's what it feels like as my children leave.  Like a part of my physical being is gone.

What do I do now?

Part of me is elsewhere.  I am torn.

I am not a whole.  I have a hole.

I am assuming... I am told... 

Eventually the hole will heal.  It will close and heal over.  

Filling with other things.  Other people.

But all I can do for now is ache.

Go through the motions of my day.

Being reminded periodically of the absence.

The ache swells.

Swells and subsides.

The dance of parenting continues.

Holding tight and letting go.

To their rhythm.

Not mine.

Let them go.

Let them grow.

I have to.

Give up that piece of me.  Let it go.

Accept the void.  Look for ways to fill it.

Turn the hole back into a whole.

It's been a long time.

A fantastic, fun journey that we traveled and figured out together.

Doing the dance.

All together we were the whole.

Moving in step.

This is just another part of the dance.

Inevitable.

They are ready to grow up so I need to as well.

Ready or not.

But for now...

I ache.

Flying Away...

Wow... Another long break from writing here.  Sorry about that. I know no one is reading this so I guess then I am saying sorry to myself.  Sorry for not writing or journaling.  I know it is good for me.  I also know that once in a while, I like to look back at this documentation of my life over time.

So yes... time has passed.  A brief catch-up is in order...

I am now in my early 50's and my girls are all in their early 20's.  They are all done with school and have been working full-time for the last year or so.  I am very happy to say that all three of them love their jobs and are very happy people.  All three of them still live at home.  As you know, in the past my biggest dread was for my girls to move out and "leave me".  I would say now though that I would be fine with them moving out, although  I really hope that they choose to live no further than a one hour car ride away.  I know and truly feel that my job as a mother is to prepare them for their launch into the world as fully functioning independent individuals.

At this point in time two of my girls are away traveling and the third is leaving in two months.  Deep breath.  I'm fine with the older two and their trips... as I write this they are both off in other countries... poor countries...but their trips are with close friends and the trips are well thought out.  One is gone for three weeks and the other for three months.  I trust that they are capable and safe.  My youngest daughter though is planning to go to the other side of the world, with more of an acquaintance than a friend and is going for an undetermined length of time... possibly a year!  That totally freaks me out.  She is the one with learning disabilities and she doesn't even know what she doesn't know.  And she doesn't want my help or input with planning.  It terrifies me.  She is also the one who still likes to cuddle with me and we do pretty much everything together.  It shocked me to the core when she first mentioned the trip.  I do realize that she and I are too close and that we need to separate, to a degree.  I suppose it is not "normal" for a mother and daughter to be best friends.  My oldest daughter and I are best friends as well.  She seems to have found balance though.

I can't and won't stop my daughter from going on her trip.  I was hoping she would change her plans on her own, but I realized I can not be the one to take it away from her.  She is 20.  She is an adult. Yes, she thinks differently than other people but in many ways her way of thinking and doing things is superior to the usual way.  I have to just let go and trust that she will be okay.  (There is that "letting go" again).  Her dad did a similar trip when he was 20.  He is more of a spontaneous-no-planning- just-go kind of person.  Perhaps she is too.  Maybe that's where the difference lies.

She has been craving adventure for a long time and for some reason she feels it has to be huge like this.  Once she said to me that she feels she has to do it bigger and farther and longer and earlier than her sisters trips because they both went to university and she didn't.  She needs something big of her own.

So I have to let her go.  My baby. Wipe a tear...

So all of this is preparing me for my future.  My empty nest.  I do trust now that all of my girls will most likely live not too far from me and will want to keep in contact with me.  The two on their trips now text me frequently and share pictures with me.  I don't think they do it out of a sense of duty; I think they do it because they truly want to share their cool experiences with me and show me stuff.  They know I am fascinated by it all, and I hope to travel, myself, one day.  All three of them talk with me about trips we hope to take together; either as a family or just me and them individually.  They have all said they need to do this first to know that they can.  That they don't need me.  I need to know that too.  Not that I'm any more capable... It's more of a dependency thing.

Wow, so much to say and to talk about.  To vent.  To process.

All of this empty nest stuff and glimpsing of my future inevitably points to me and my relationship with my husband.  We have both changed so much over the years.  And I hate to admit; having kids has pushed us further apart.  I have been so focused on the kids over the last 25 years and my husband has been so focused on his work, that we pretty much never spend time together or have many interests in common.  Sad, I know.  And, another point that is driven home is that since my husband and I consciously split our duties that way right from the get-go of our family, I am now left wondering what to do with myself now that my "job" as a stay-at-home mom is no longer a full time occupation.  I have no career to go back to.  Yes I have two degrees, and that education has helped me with life in general but I don't feel like a marketable person in the job world. Not to make decent money anyway.  I am trying to bring in money with my photography, and I have, but again, nothing substantial.  At this point I wouldn't be able to support myself.  I don't like that feeling.

So lately I have not only been thinking about my girls and their plans but I also have had to do a lot of thinking about my own.  I would love to say that my husband and I are excited about reconnecting and having more time to spend together.  I hope we can.  Reconnect, that is.

Where has the time gone?  The days may be long but the years are short.  Fleeting.

Whisperings...

Wow!  It's been a while since I wrote here.  I guess I sort of gave up on it.  Did I give up on me??  No.  I didn't.  Never have, never will.  As the blog name states, it's a journey.  I just got thrown off track a little.  All part of the process, right?

So, I am currently trying to put together something for a project about "The Christian Journey".  Since I am a photographer, Yes, I think of myself that way now.  Awesome, right?! I naturally assumed, and others assumed as well, that I would tackle this project with photography.  But, curiously,  I have been pulled to words instead.  I haven't done any writing, per se, since I stopped writing here.  Remember how it used to help me so much to let my thoughts wander on a page?  Well, a computer screen actually.  I think I'm feeling the pull to start doing that again.  I'm excited!

The reason I mention that project here is because I am thinking that MY christian journey, my spiritual journey, was, in a large part, documented here in my blog. During my hiatus, my journey has continued and is feeling a little more... pulled together.  I reread my blog yesterday and see the progression over time.  Progression of my life as a woman, as a mother and as a spiritual being.

Over the last few years I have wrestled a bit with some health issues.  Some kinda scary and some just making me feel old.  I am beginning to feel that I am getting a handle on them, knock on wood, and am excited about the future.  After reading my blog yesterday I realized that at this point in my life I am pretty much grateful all the time.  Of course I'm not grateful FOR everything in my life, but I am trying to see the message in them.

When I started jotting down notes about my spiritual journey I was able to whittle them down to two phrases: "Letting go" and "Listen to the Whisperings".  I was amused to see that my very first blog post was titled "Letting go".  Huh.  That is where my catchphrase "listen to the whisperings" comes in.  That was a whispering.

I can't remember precisely how "Listen to the Whisperings" came to me.  It was either in a dream; one of those dreams that is just a quick, all on it's own... well... whispering, that leaves you with a feeling that stays with you. Or it was just a, again, a whispering, that drifted into my mind during the course of the day, but lingered in my thoughts. In my soul??   That is how my whisperings come to me.  Another way is niggling feelings.  Feelings that I should do something, or go somewhere, etc.  Like a feeling that I should phone or text someone or go somewhere.  I am not always aware of the niggling.  Sometimes it's just an impulse to do something but it later turns out to be somehow in sync with... I guess with the universe??   I think it's called synchronicity. Carl Jung described it as " the occurrence of two or more events that appear to be meaningfully related but not causally related.  Synchronicity holds that such events are "meaningful coincidences"."

It's hard to explain, especially without sounding like a kook.  Other words that I jotted down in my preliminary notes that could help explain this were"trust", "patience" and "peace".  And those of course are tied in with "letting go". I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my control and let go of my time frame.  Letting go of control is a major step.

One of my previous blog entries was about going through life with clenched fists. A quote that I regurgitated was something about not being able to give or receive if you always have clenched fists.  I know it was meant figuratively but I realized that I have a tendency to hold tension in my body. It started when we had to "let go" of our home and our cars and our previous lifestyle when we were personally affected by the economic downturn.  I guess I was subconsciously trying to "hang on".  Over time I developed "frozen shoulders" and "trigger fingers" that both limited my mobility and dexterity.  They needed to "let go", physically.

So, I need to physically allow my body to let go and I need to have trust and patience and allow my spirit to let go.  And tying in the initial aim of this blog I need to emotionally "let go" of my daughters and my role as "only a mom".  Cool.  More synchronicity. 

I don't think I mentioned them in the blog, but around the time that we lost our house (shortly before I started writing the blog) I had some very significant dreams.  Like the fleeting dreams, mentioned above, these dreams were remembered, seemed very poignant and left me with lingering feelings.  I won't go into detail about them (unless you ask me to) but I just wanted to say that they are like whisperings in that they guide me, if I let them.  They stand out from other dreams and have messages or life lessons in them.

Am I just sounding like a kook now?  Are these ramblings going anywhere?

I am more confident now than I was at the start of my blog.  I feel more... integrous. Is that even a word?  More genuine and pulled together... my inside matching my outside.  Not afraid to be me. And, I guess a big part of that, as well as an intention of the blog, I feel I have figured out who I am, without my kids or my husband to hide behind.  That's a big step.  Feels good.  So important at this stage of a woman's life.  I know how I like to dress and do my hair, what I like to do with my spare time, who I like to hang out with, where I stand spiritually, how/what I like to eat and drink, what I see myself pursuing/doing in the future... I have interests that challenge and excite me.  And I don't apologize for any of it.  I am who I am.  Like it or leave it.

That reminds me of a question I had the other day... as mentioned another word I had jotted in my notes was "peace".  Peace is something I strive for.  I don't mean world peace.  I mean within myself.  That calm, everything is going to be alright feeling.  My question is: Is peace the goal?  Everyone's goal?  The ultimate goal?

On Turning 50...

I love this time of year.  I always have.

The colours.  The cool, crisp air. The cozy sweaters.

This autumn has been less rainy than usual, here on the West Coast.

We have been able to enjoy sunshine, blue skies and crunchy fallen leaves.

Glorious.

The contrast of the colours of the leaves against the blue sky is breathtaking.

As I was driving along the other day the thought occurred to me that I want to shine like autumn trees do.

I've been through the early years of sprouting and growing. Emerging. 

Everything new.  Everything fresh.

Then came the years of blossoming and flowering.  

Full of colour and beauty. 

My three daughters are in that phase now.  

Discovering themselves.  Opening themselves up to the world.

Eventually they too will be fruitful and multiply.

I would like to think that I am still in my summer years... at the tail end I admit. 

But I am turning 50 in a few months.

I can sense the coming of the passing of the reigns.  The turning of the leaves. 

The seeds falling so that the next generation can start anew.

But before that happens I would like to be a blaze of glorious colour.

To make people turn and look.  Catching sight of me out the corner of their eye.

Causing them to pause and take comfort in my quiet, peaceful offerings.

I have always loved trees.  Felt an affinity to them.

When I think of autumn trees I sense an air of confidence.  Of peaceful, unpretentious beauty.

I imagine them smiling when the sun warms their expressive leaves.

I would like to be like that.  Be thought of like that, in my autumn years.

When I reach them.

A Year Later...

I have been planning to resume writing here for a while now.  As I have stated in earlier posts I really enjoy writing and it has always been very helpful to me to help me sort out my thoughts.  Aside from those two reasons for this blog though, I have had the aim to try to say something that may be helpful to someone else.  Specifically to say things about feeling gratitude in my life and to talk about how that impacts my life in a positive way.

Since my last post however, I hit something of a stumbling block.  Something has happened in my life that I don't want to blog about.  And it's something that I haven't found a way to be grateful for. Yes, my mind has been ruminating about it... and I should write through my thoughts about it all... and it has impacted my life, more than I want it to... but to continue blogging about gratitude without mentioning all this feels false.

But now it's summer again.  The sun is shining, my bones are warm, the doors and windows are open, my vegetable garden is growing and flowers are everywhere.  Those are all definitely things to be grateful for.  My kids are doing well; growing and maturing and still loving me. I'm so grateful for them and so proud of them.

Perhaps a way I can look at, or talk about all this is to say, growing older can be freakin' scary. When you are young and have your life ahead of you life is exciting and feels like an adventure waiting to happen.  And... I suppose it should feel that way regardless of one's age.  Young or old, the future holds unknowns; some good, some, not so much.  But they are all opportunities for learning and potentially for bettering ourselves.

I feel like I have spent the last year in a holding pattern.  Afraid to take steps forward.  As I have mentioned before, I can tend to be somewhat fearful.  Over the last few years I had been feeling stronger and braver and more confident.  But this "set-back" has, well, set me back some.  My mind has been focusing on the negative, even though I read daily that I need to only focus on good things, and only then will good things happen in my universe.  Actually that's one of my issues with all of this: I was doing that!  I truly was working at channeling only good things into my life.  I believed it.  And I felt good.

Then the set-back.
...
...

Perhaps I should just say what it is...  I found out that I have issues going on with my heart.  It's not as in good shape as it should be for someone my age.  I'm only freakin' 49.  And it scares me.  And it makes me afraid to do things... and to go places.  And what really terrifies me and breaks my heart is the thought of leaving my girls motherless. I so so hope my fears are irrational.  But my mom was left motherless at the age of three and then her dad died when she was 20 from heart problems.  And her brother died in his 50's from heart problems.  I'm scared.

Anyway, in past posts I had repeatedly talked about how I was somewhat dreading my girls growing up and moving out. But now that has shifted to me wanting nothing more than my girls to set a course for their lives, move out, do something that they love, find a good man, build their life together and eventually have kids.  And I want to be around to be their grandmother.  I will be an awesome grandma.  I want my girls to have a loving support system and, I guess to not have me as their best friend.

Maybe that's the "good" part in all of this?  Me finally letting them go?  Encouraging them to go out and do things with friends instead of with me.  Realizing that it's not all about me.

I look fine.  Same as before.  And I do most of the things I used to do; I just don't push myself.  Like, I haven't gone on any big uphill hikes, or any major trips or kayaking, etc.   And it may just be my fears holding me back from going out and doing all the things that I used to do.  Hopefully it is.  And hopefully medicines etc have come a long way since my uncle and grandfather's time.

Hey, I want to tell you a quick story.  Change the mood here.  Something that happened to me this winter.  Something that was definitely "the universe" telling me something....

One day in February the sun came out and inspired me to go out to take photos. As I was packing up my gear I was thinking how nice it would be to have someone to go for photo walks with.  In my mind I imagined it being a male, since, as I have mentioned in other posts, I tend to get along better with men than women.  I went to one of my favourite photo spots with the intention of experimenting with taking long exposures. I parked my car and made my way to a shaded spot by a creek.  Perfect for simple long exposures.  As I approached I saw that someone else was there, with a tripod set up, camera aimed at the creek.  It was a man.  Huh.  As I set up my tripod and camera he kept glancing over.  I went about my business.  I snapped off a few photos, fiddling with settings etc.  Through the corner of my eye I noticed that he too was shooting long exposures. Huh. After a few minutes we struck up a photography related conversation and realized that we had roughly the same  level of knowledge and interest in photography.  It was refreshing.  After a while he said that he was done shooting for the day and wondered if I'd like to join him for a walk.  So I did.  We went for a lovely walk around the lake. The conversation flowed easily and we talked about photography and our kids and our life goals and our pasts and his divorce.  I walked comfortably and even went up a hill without noticing.  When we got back to our cars we decided that this was something we might enjoy doing again. I knew another spot that would be perfect for shooting more long exposures.  Over the course of next few days we texted back and forth a few times trying to set up a time to do the shoot, but the Vancouver winter rains had returned and so we didn't get the chance. He ended up getting relocated back to the island within the next couple of weeks.  At least now he would be closer to his son, which was best for all involved.  He said he would come back to the mainland periodically for work and we could go do our planned shoot then.  After a while it came out that he found me attractive and that if he had stayed in the city and if I hadn't been married he would have been interested in dating me.  Well.  Have I mentioned that he is 10 years younger than me? 10.  Have I mentioned that I feel 100 years old and assume everyone sees me that way? Well.  When I told him that I was not interested in anything except "photo buddies" he said that was totally fine and he respected that.

Anyway, my point in telling this whole story was to say that the "universe" had a few lessons to teach me. 1. My wants are heard  2. I am still seen as an attractive, interesting and vibrant woman  3. I reaffirmed my commitment to my marriage  4. I can go for hikes and up hills  5. There are people out there who I can be friends with  6. I still love hearing people's stories and helping them work through their issues (in this case; his divorce, his current work situation and his goals)  7. I should get out of the house more  8. The "universe" has a sense of humour.

All of these things I am grateful for.   I am learning to try to trust in my gut more and to listen to the universe's small messages in their various forms.

A Summer of Growing...

Hey I'm back!  Sorry for the "absence".  Summer is always a busy time, in a relaxed, unscheduled sort of way.  Kids around more often than not and my youngest asking "so what are we going to do today Mum?"  

I'll try to pick up where I left off in June...

So my kids were all away for ten days in early July.  I was kid-free for the first time in 20 years!  And if you read my previous posts you will know that I was basically dreading it and had no idea how I would fill my solitude.  Essentially I was saying "I don't wanna grow up", even though my kids were. I was projecting, and seeing this brief interlude as a sign of my future life as a lonely old lady.

Well, you know what happened?  I grew up!  I did... and I quite like it.  I ended up not really wanting to go to the festival in the park that we normally attend on Canada Day.  When I allowed myself the decision of whether I really want to go or not, I chose not.  I did go for a walk at the park by myself one evening though.  I walked the route I usually take with my girls, and it did feel a bit wierd and lonely, but I enjoyed it regardless.  

Another thing happended while my kids were away;  My husband and I reconnected!  That surprised me.  He started coming home from work earlier (ie: before dark) and we went out for dinner a couple of times.  We talked.  We spent time together.  We had fun together.  And actually, we continue to do so.  It's like we are starting from the here and now.  Like we have dropped off our old baggage and are moving forward without so much looking back.

My husband knows that I have been writing my gratitude list each night before bed and reading inspirational and uplifting blogs etc.  Now he has started doing the same thing!  And he is feeling much better about himself.  He is reevaluating his worth and his plans and his dreams... and he is sharing them with me.  And since then he has been getting a lot of work (he is an entrepreneur) and bringing in more money.  He has even since repaired his relationship with our eldest daughter. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen.  But now they work together and are buddies.  He is getting back to being the man who I married;  Albiet a wiser version.  He is back to being strong and confident and funny and playful and attentive and optimistic.  I'm not saying he is perfect... but who is?  I know I certainly am not. 

While my kids were away I got comfortable making decisions based on what I want. One of the main decisions being how I want to spend my time.  I came to enjoy the freedom.  If I wanted to I could spend my whole day photoshopping, with my music turned up loudly.  I could drink wine in the evenings without having to worry about having to drive someone somewhere.  I could even walk around naked if I was so inclined. (Actually I did sunbathe nude in our private backyard one day.  I had some tender areas for a few days after.) 

Then my kids came home.  Well two of them anyway. And I realized that I didn't really always want to do what they wanted to do.  I didn't want to feel pressured to go somewhere fun and new each day.  I often just wanted to get my errands done.  Now that I have had a taste of growing up I realize that I am kind of, in a way, looking forward to more of it.  And I also became aware that I am ready for my girls to grow up too. One day near the end of summer vacation my youngest daughter told me that it doesn't matter what we do, even if it's errands because she is just happy no matter what.  (Looking back to one of my first posts on this blog I was pleased to see that this was one of my goals on my dream list).

Yes I want to still be a great mom.  And I am.  And yes I still want to do stuff with my girls and be there for them no matter what.  And I definitely want to be an amazing grandma when that time comes.  But I have come to realize that I also want to enjoy my husband and give him the time and space to enjoy me (Also one of my goals on my dream list).  And, I want to become the best possible Me I can become.  To realize my own potential and be happy and relaxed in that being.  Be happy being me and not, as I have said before, just someone's mom or wife.  

Another thing that has happened over the course of the summer, resulting from this journey is that I have become more outgoing.  I didn't notice it at first.  After church each week we usually hang around for half an hour to an hour while we chat with friends.  I often found this time difficult and would be eager to leave.  But this summer I have been much more comfortable talking.  Now people even approach me to chat!  It just flows and rolls naturally (as it should). A number of times a small group has gathered around to join in. (Having friends was another one of the goals on my dream list.)  I think I am just more comfortable in my own skin, and with who I am.

So my middle daughter returned from her summer in the Okanagan a few days ago.  She was away for four months.  If you remember I was sure I was going to die, being separated from one of my children for so long.  However we are both still alive and well. We made it.  Another step in the journey, for both of us.  She seems pretty much the same as when she left.  Before she left I was dreading her growing up, but over the course of the summer I realized she could do with a little maturing.  Four months went by with her out of my sight.  I don't know a lot of what went on.  That was something that really bothered me at first, and a reason I was hesitant to let her go.  But I came to realize that that was my problem and not hers.  She is a good kid.  And she still is.  And she still loves me.  And I still love her.  But we are both a little bit more independent now.  I don't think she expected to see changes in the rest of us upon her return.  It's all for the good though. For all of us.

What Now?

I guess it's like being laid off from a job that you've had for a long time. Being "let go". Made redundant. Whether you are ready or not, it is your new reality. I suppose some would say it's more like retirement. You know it's coming. Some would say that you have "earned" it, as if it something to look forward to. And I'm sure many do! I'm sure many people have lists and lists of plans and things that they have been putting on the back burner, until they have time to themselves.

Perhaps all these years, while my girls have been growing and maturing and developing strong feathers to carry them as they fly from the nest, I was just too busy enjoying it all. As I have heard; "the days are long, but the years are short." Maybe I was supposed to be doing some growing up too.

Okay, I'm whining. Today is the first day of my premature childlessness. As I have told you, my middle daughter has moved away for the summer (and is having a marvelous time might I add. Making lots of money, working hard, learning to wake surf and sail, enjoying the company of her best friend and her boyfriend and learning from her own mistakes and successes). But today my other two girls left on a ten day trip. And I do have lists of plans and ideas. I do. And I hope to accomplish them... well some of them at least. But I am wallowing right now. The weather isn't making me feel much better though. We have been having a chilly, grey and wet summer so far. Lets face it... rain is like tears and sunshine is like smiles. and here on the west coast of Canada we get more rain than sun. What the heck am I doing here?! "Bloom where you are planted", right? Find gratitude and happiness where ever you be. Okay. I'll do that. And I do. Really I do. But the rain and grey do encourage moody, internal reflection and contemplation rather than outdoor, external type activities. Maybe that's just me though. I dunno. Excuses, excuses.

A realization I made last time I wrote (but forgot to get around to mentioning) is that I am a social person, even though I am shy and introverted. Go figure. I love having good times with other people. I love chatting and discussing and laughing and sharing. And with my girls readily available I have someone to do that with, basically 24/7. My husband is not a talker. At all. He sometimes tells me things about work, but doesn't like me asking questions or giving my opinion. He looks totally annoyed if I do and will often cut the conversation short, acting as if I have interrupted him. But if you know me at all you know that's what I do...I ask questions. I give my opinion. And no, I am not challenging him on what he is saying or picking fights or being judgemental... I am just trying to have a conversation. But over time I have learned (though I occassionally slip up) to just listen to him and either agree or keep my mouth shut. I don't mean to be complaining here. I am just trying to explain why it feels so lonely when my girls are gone. I'm not ready to be quiet yet. My husband also doesn't enjoy the things I like to do. He won't go for walks or to street festivals or art shows etc. He would never just sit on a beach, especially if it's raining. He hates the style of music that I like. And he doesn't "get" my photography or poetry. So I have stopped showing him. Lately I have been trying a new technique with my photography. I call it "Photo Art". My daughter calls it "Phart". When I showed my favourite piece to my husband he pulled his head back and said "Ew. It gives me a headache." Hmmm. I guess I am complaining. I don't like to do that, but I just want you to understand my life. I am very grateful for him though for many reasons. Perhaps I will devote another post to saying good things about him. I will post a "Phart" piece with this post. On facebook I have been getting wonderful feedback on them, and someone even asked me to blow one up for him and sell it to him!

So something I have learned is that I just have to believe in myself. Figure out who I am and what I like and what I enjoy and just go ahead and do it! Life is too short, not to enjoy it or to hold back in fear of offending someone. Spend time doing things that make you feel good. Be with people who accept you as you are. So that is how I have been living my last few years. Being me, instead of just my husband's wife. I lived like that for years. But now that my girls are stepping away... I am left trying to figure out what to do with myself (as I said in my last post). I don't think I would say that I have gone from merely being "my husband's wife" to being "my children's mother". I am definitely me. I just hang out with my girls a lot and we enjoy each others company and are a lot alike. Hmmm. It's not who I am (?) but it's how I spend my time. (I'll have to think about that).

Anyway, Just thought I'd check in here. The start of my trial period. My premature (practice) retirement. Wish me luck! (I'd love to hear from you.)

Time to Pause and Reflect...

I know that I am lucky that I have time to think through stuff about my life.  Many people are so busy working and just running through life that they don't have time to reflect on things.

Because I didn't work outside of the home while raising my kids, I was really lucky that I was able to spend time with my girls as they grew up.  We have always taken the time to go out and do stuff like jump in puddles and look up at trees and poke at shells on the beach etc.  And even as they grew older we like to do stuff like go to art festivals and concerts in the park and street festivals etc, or even just go for walks.

I have a new challenge though... now that they are starting to do things more on their own or with other people, I am left wondering what to do with myself.  I still like to go do those things, but will I want to do them on my own?  Will I look pitiful or lonely or like a crazy old lady?  I know I should join a photography group or something, and I may some day, but I will have to push past my shyness to do that.  I did attend a few meetings of a local photography group last year, but it just wasn't for me.

For the first week of July all my girls will be away so I will get to see how I do with it.  I can't see myself going out to the Canada Day festivities like we have always done.  I'm not sure what I will do.  I have a few ideas, and I am looking forward to it in a way.  I don't want to just sit in front of my computer... but I do think I want to do some writing.  And I probably should do some cleaning (ugh).  I am going to have to make an effort to go out.  I will probably get together with my sisters a few times.  I know my older sister wants me to go on a photo walk with her and teach her some stuff. 

When I was in university it was a very social time for me.  I loved it.  Lots of parties and friends and interesting classes with interesting people.  Then I moved to a bigger city for graduate school, two more years of university.  I moved by myself and lived by myself.  I had to learn to be my own best friend.  I did have quite a few friends there from my course, and a few friends from my childhood.  And I had tons of school work to do... but I still sometimes went for walks by myself, got ice cream, sat in coffee shops, watched tv, went swimming, took the subway to the end of the line and walked on the beach, did  touristy things, etc. 

I am comfortable being by myself.  Perhaps it is having teen girls that has made me worry about "looking weird".  I think I'm fine with being a crazy old lady who goes to festivals alone and smiles at babies and watches buskers and laughs to herself.  I would love to have a loving partner there with me... but that is not the hand I have been dealt.  I would love to be in love and have someone enjoy my company.  (okay okay I am getting side tracked...)

Anyway, letting go is one thing... now I need to figure out what to fill the void with.  I could continue to do the same old stuff, but do it alone... or, I could try to find something new.  Hmmm.  Oh, and to still try to keep engaged with the outside world... perhaps to step out even further.  Hmmm.  Step out of the coccoon that I have been in for the last 20 years.  Maybe it will be a time of new adventures for me, just as it is for my kids. Hmmm.  

Stuff to think about for sure.

So Delicate...

A delicate flower...

Soft pink and fragrant

with translucent petals,

that demurely glow

when touched by sunlight.

The flower's stamen (or is it pistol, I don't even know)

protruding from the centre of the flower

with tiny specks of pollen

precariously clinging to it.

It blows my mind...

it sits there quietly;

so fragile

so seemingly insignificant,

so unobtrusive or demanding...

on the brink of destruction.

So beautiful and so fragile.

Yet it serves a purpose.

It's a part of the ecosystem...

the grand scheme as it were.

It bobs along in the wind

beautiful and perfect

emanating happiness and... actually, faith.

We too are intricately designed.

Beautiful and fragile.

Complex and precarious.

So much... effort, or design, or...thought

in each living thing.

Yet, life is so easily taken away.

We too are part of the bigger picture.

We too have a purpose.

Each of us.

However It is not ours for understanding

or for worrying about.

It is ours to hold,

to cherish,

to trust,

to rest in

and to be thankful.

Mother's Day...

Well I just spent 2 hours writing an emotional post, but it didn't save.  Ugh.

The gist... Em is moving away for three and a half months on Sunday.  My other two girls left on a camping trip today.  It was very sad to watch them say goodbye. Hard for me to say goodbye.

Time for me to grow up and get a life.  Ready or not.

Happy Mother's Day.

Nesting Instinct...

    My Shadow 

When she was young

She was my shadow.

She would stay close

Hold my hand

Cling to me. 

As she grew

Time passed.

My shadow shifted

Moving from behind me

To beside me.

We would walk along

Side by side

My shadow and me. 

More time passed

She grew some more.

Taller than me now.

Faster than me.

She is now in front

Leading me

While I tag along

Behind

Reaching for her hand. 

Man, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote here.  I won't go into all of my excuses, blah blah blah, but I will say again that it is hard finding time to be alone, with three of my family members coming and going all day long.   'Nuff of that.

An issue that has been swirling around in my head lately, and one that I have discussed with a few close friends, is the fact that I need to learn to let go.  Mainly I need to learn to let go of my kids.  They are growing up, spreading their wings, heading out into the world... I need to let them go. 

A saying that I have used many times over the years, is that I like to know my chickies are tucked under my wings where they belong.  When everyone is home, safe and sound it feels as if all is as it should be.  But of course, that isn't how it should be, really, for girls my daughters' ages.  When I was their age I was out and about... with friends, with boyfriends... sometimes doing stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but nevertheless having fun and spreading my wings.  I was learning life lessons and building memories.

A difference between my adolescence and that of my daughters is that they enjoy spending time with me and we go out and do some pretty cool stuff together.  I'm not just saying that because that's what I want to believe.  We actually have lots of fun together.  My parents were much more distant and detatched.  They pretty much never knew what I was up to, who I was with or where I was.  And they never asked! 

So where is the middle ground between these two scenarios?  I took all of the psychology courses... I know about adolescent development and the stages of separating from one's family of origin.  I know what to expect.  But how do I align that with my own feelings?  I tend to be more emotional than intellectual. 

Even though I had 'freedom" in my adolescence, I also had lonliness and no one to discuss my problems with.  My parents just didn't offer that.  Our relationship didn't offer that.  I had no one to ask for advice.  No shoulder to cry on or supportive hug.  I think that's a big reason why I went into psychology and why I have been close with my own children from the get go.  I never want children to feel alone or uncared for. 

I don't need to go into the psychology of it all but... My mother's mother died when my mum was three years old.  Then her dad died when she was 20.  She was shuffled around between relatives and then was out, truly on her own.  She is a tough lady. I contribute that, in a large part, to her being motherless.  She never learned how to be a mother, because she basically never had one.  They say repercussions of events in one's life are expressed for the next seven generations.  So my mum not having a mum, led to her way of mothering, which led to my way of mothering, and on and on.  I'm not say all of the repercussions are negative ones, but they are affects of the event regardless.

So back to me... Perhaps I have become overly close with my girls to make up for my lack of familial closeness in my own childhood.  Oh, and for a lack of closeness in my marriage.  Aha!  I said it.  I know that I hang out with my girls because my husband and I don't really spend much time together.  I know, I sound pitiful.  When I got married my husband was my best friend.  Then we had kids.  Having three kids in five years was a lot of work.  It was a lot of work, for a lot of years and didn't leave much space for Me.  Other than chats with parents of my kids' friends, I didn't really have friends.  I didn't have the time or energy. So now that my kids are older and don't need me as much and are starting to pull away I'm left wondering what to do with myself.  

Over the last couple of years I have felt like I have come through to the other end of a tunnel.  I see the world ahead of me... but I don't know which way to go.  So with the blinders off and my head raised up I have been trying to figure out who I am.  Me.  Anne. Who am I??  What do I enjoy?  What am I good at? What are my dreams for the future?  My dreams... not anyone elses.  What do I want?

Letting go of the known and stepping out into the unknown.  So far I've been good at being a mom.  So what now?  Was I hiding behind my kids?  And before that was I hiding behind my husband?  At least one thing I do know now is that I want to find Me.  I'm kind of excited about finding out what interests me and who I am.

Back to the issue of letting go of my kids...  I gotta do it.  I know I do.  It's the natural evolution of things.  I can't feel every step away from me, as a personal rejection.  I am excited for them and their futures. Okay, this is what I envision...  My girls grow up and move out...they get their own homes, careers, boyfriends, eventually husbands.  We keep in contact via text or phone calls or visits if they live close enough.  They still ask my advice.  Still value my input. But I learn to limit what I say, letting them learn their own life lessons.  I keep my opinions to myself if they are not asked for and offer them with measured restraint.  I support them emotionally with love.  I accept their decisions whether I agree with them or not (I hope I can do that) and just trust them.  They are good, smart kids.  They will be good smart adults.  I am here if they need me but their journey is their journey, not mine.

Even if they do screw up or make mistakes or get hurt, I have to let them do it.  God knows I did all those things, and I'm still here, wiser and with some interesting memories.  Actually, I don't think I'm trying to protect them... I'm trying to protect me.  There's the rub.  It's my problem... I can't make it theirs.  I also can't let it ruin our relationship.

Just let them go Anne.  In their own time... in their own way... when they are ready... (not only when I am ready).  It's gotta be about them.  Not about me.  It's their turn.  Time to spread their wings and soar!

Thinkable Thoughts...

• "When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future.  When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past."

• "We are so accustomed to disguising our true nature from others, that we end up disguising it from ourselves."

• "Isn’t it ironic? We ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." 
• BUT...

•  "Do something today that your future self will thank you for."

• "You are you not meant for crawling, so don't.  You have wings. Learn to use them and fly. You were born with potential. You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with greatness. You were born with wings."

• "If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." ~ Dennis Waitley

•  “If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

• "You become what you do.  Life molds itself into the shape of your actions.  Do something long enough and you become it. Fighting for peace makes more war. Loving for peace makes more peace."

• "Love is the way.  In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate."

• "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror."

• "As you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you. The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become."

• "Happiness is a state of being, and comes from the inside of you. By the law of attraction you must become on the inside what you want on the outside."

• "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." ~ Charlie Parker, jazz saxaphonist

• "When you feel listless and lethargic, do something different.  Instead of staying in your routine, go to a park or a movie or to lunch with a friend. Change your routine a bit. Sometimes a little change of scenery does wonders."

• "Doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting different results, is the definition of crazy."

• "The two most important days of your life are the day you are born, and the day you find out why." ~ Mark Twain

• "Everyone shines, given the right lighting. For some it’s a Broadway stage, for others a lamplit desk. For me (as for many introverts!) it’s definitely the latter. " ~ Susan Cain

• "We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be." 

• “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”—Carl Jung 

• "Take a closer look at the word responsibility and you will notice that it is made up of two root words… response and ability. In essence, you have the ability to choose your response to any and all events that take place in your life.  Accepting personal responsibility is recognizing that the Calvary isn’t coming. While you may and will need the help of others to reach your goals, the onus is on you to orchestrate your own rescue. As they say, “If it’s to be, it’s up to me!” "

• "You can't change the wind, but you can change your sails"

• "A peaceful man is not completely free from the pinch of life's aggravations. He simply declines to give them power and refuses to be held captive by them."

• "Begin each day with a prayer for peace and happiness. “Thank you, inner guide, for reminding me of all the love and light in my life. I welcome positive support throughout this day. I expect miracles.” This daily practice will jump-start your day with a miracle mindset and awaken your consciousness to the greatness around you."

• "Your talent is the Universe's gift to you.  What you do with it is your gift back to the Universe." 

• "How bad things may look right now means nothing.  It's how good they can be that counts.  In life you can absolutely count on one thing; everything can turn around in one day,  In one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up.  You might be a moment away from a windfall."

• "All is well.  All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

Alakazam...

Again with the excuses... with the girls' new schedule this term and Ron working from home, I'm finding it hard to get enough privacy to get into my own headspace.  There seems to always be someone around, coming to talk with me etc.  All of that is fine when I'm staying in the "here and now" but it's not as conducive to being alone with my thoughts and being able to think deeper on whatever it is I let my mind wander to.  (I know in a few years, after the kids have moved out I will miss that though).  Over the last couple of weeks I thought of a number of topics that I would love to delve into here, but haven't had the time.  Urgh.  I meant to jot down the ideas, but then I know that I would get a big long list and would probably feel pressured by the list.  As I have said before, I find what works best for me is, if I just let myself sit down when I know I will have a couple of hours privacy and just relax and let my mind and fingers flow. 

A few times lately the topic of meditation has been put in front of me.  I just realized as I wrote the paragraph above that writing here feels to me, like a form of meditation.  I'm sure musicians feel the same way.  And people who do yoga.  And runners and cyclists. And chefs and artists.  Okay, okay.  You get what I mean.  I get excited about the chance to spend this time.  I look forward to it and feel restless and... all jumbled up, if I don't.  I suppose it's the same with anything someone loves doing.  A passion.  It feels like an extravagence though.  Like I should be doing other things.  I know that a big part of it is because it doesn't make me any money and it isn't "productive".  I don't even share it with many people.  But it has merit for me.  And that should be good enough.  The to-do list can wait.  Enough with the excuses...

One thing I have been wanting to mention here is something kinda cool that I noticed recently. You know how I wrote my list back in October about what I deserve and desire in my life?  And that I was putting it out there to the universe to "make it so" even though I had no idea how any of it was going to come about?  Well, here's the cool part.  Some of it actually has happened!  And in unexpected weird ways too!

Example 1:  I had mentioned that I want to spend more time with my husband and have us enjoy the time together. POOF! I was referred and I signed up to be a "mystery shopper".  My first assignment was to go to a nice restaurant.  I HAD to bring another adult and we HAD to order drinks and an appetizer and meals and dessert, and it would all be paid for (I just have to fill out a questionnaire afterwards).

Example 2:  I had said that I want to have a nice reliable car (the one I have now is old and ugly and is on it's last legs).  BAM!  A few weeks ago my car was in a small accident (no one hurt, no real big deal) but the cost to repair it will be more than the car is worth. I'm just going to use the money from the insurance company for a downpayment on another car.

Example 3: This wasn't on my list but has been on my I-want-it-but-can't-ask-for-it list.  An iPad.  I don't need one, but I'd love to get my hands on one to fiddle with it and see what it can do (I love technology). KAZAM! My youngest daughter has been chosen out of her school of 2000 kids to be one of seven kids to get an iPad as part of a research study on iPad use as an aid to learning.

Example 4: I wanted a good tripod (ball head instead of the usual two or three-way panhead). ABRACADABRA! Over Christmas my sister mentioned that she had one just sitting around not being used and of course I could use it.

I guess you've just gotta put it out there.  I would never have been able to guess or plan any of these solutions that arose.  I didn't directly make any of them happen. 

I think that's called faith.  It's a vulnerable feeling.  Putting your trust out there like that.  But come to think of it, that is SO much better than not being able to trust in anyone or anything... not having any hope, and feeling like you have to do it all by yourself.  That's exhausting.  I know.

A bible verse just came to mind.  I had to look it up.  It's from the book of Matthew.  I remember hearing it years ago.  

  25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

*As I've said before, references to God can also be thought of as putting stuff out there to "The Universe", and just not feeling all alone.

Getting back to the topic of meditation... I have learned recently that meditation is the process of quieting your mind so that you can listen, and hear your inner voice and your guiding voice (God).  Prayer is when we do all the talking.  Meditation is when we listen for the answer.  I think I find writing to be meditative because in it, I do both.  Through writing about things that come to mind, I become aware of what is concerning or intriguing me and then I flow through with realizations and conclusions.  Huh.  How cool is that!